SEXUAL HEALTH: What counts as cheating in a relationship?

There is a stale argument about whether spouses should freely access each other’s phone, check messages, answer calls on behalf their partners, and so forth. Some spouses would rather share a bank account than cede the privacy of their phones to their partners for whatever reason. I, therefore, took it to be just another of those arguments when Rose walked into the consultation room and started her story.

Rose stumbled upon a trail of text messages in her husband’s phone, between him and his female friend. From the messages it was clear that they were continuously in touch all day long and late into the night, pouring out their hearts to each other in a way that left little doubt that they were totally connected.

“He has never gone that deep in discussing his feelings and personal issues with me. I learnt so much about him from that stream of messages and realised that I am the stranger in his life,” she said dejectedly.

Rose had transferred a number of the messages to her phone which she shared with me and talked about with unrestrained emotion. Some of the messages were about how she had been ineffective as a wife and how poor she was in bed.

But John, Rose’s husband, insisted that there was nothing between him and the woman, that they were just friends and that he respected his wife and would not have sex outside marriage.

DIFFERENCE IN HOW MEN AND WOMEN UNDERSTAND INTIMACY

The conflict in this couple reflects an age-old difference in how men and women understand intimacy, love and infidelity. While men consider sexual intercourse as the ultimate, women value the emotional connection more. In one study on infidelity it was found that 83 per cent of women became angry, distressed, and fearful when they imagined that their husbands were emotionally connected to another woman.

Only 17 per cent got similar symptoms on imagining that their husbands had had sex with another woman.

Men, on the other hand, lose their heads when they imagine that another man has had sex with their wives. In fact culture, which in many places is designed to serve the needs of men, ensures that a woman is strictly controlled and sexually-tied to one man.

Sexual intimacy and fidelity therefore mean different things to men and women. For a woman sex cements an emotional connection. Emotional connection involves someone spending his valuable time with you listening to your concerns, chatting with you on social media, understanding your aspirations and desires and really getting to know and understand you.

People who are emotionally connected are one in heart and mind; they open up the most vulnerable part of their lives to each other without fear of betrayal. A woman may ultimately make such a person the father of her baby and live with him forever. Hence, for a woman, as long as there is emotional connection everything else is just a plus.

PROGRAMMED TO SOW

Men, on the other hand, are programmed to pass on their genes. They, therefore, put great emphasis on sex: the act of passing on their DNA to the next generation.

They do not understand what women mean by insisting that friendship with the opposite sex has limits. For them as long as there is no sex, there is no affair, and they can continue to engage intimately with their female friend. What men do not understand is that most of these close platonic relationships have crossed into the realm of emotional infidelity. Of course, emotional infidelity eventually leads to sex.

I advised Rose against making rash decisions and we agreed that she would bring John to the clinic for further counselling. John went straight to the point.

“I told Eunice, my woman friend, that my marriage was on the rocks because of our relationship,” he said looking away from Rose, the tension between them palpable, “As she consoled me, we ended up messing around!”

“What!?” Rose shouted, rising from her seat, “You have finally sealed the emotional connection with sex?”

Ignoring Rose, John continued talking softly: “We agreed that there is no need to cause trouble for other people. We will move in together next week and I will be filling to be divorced from Rose.”

As the couple walked out of the clinic, each on their own and none talking to the other, I was left with no doubt in my mind that emotional affairs are worse than physical sex and you should only give room to them if you are prepared for the consequences.