Surprising relationship insights from five unlikely sources

Who do you turn to when you need relationship insights? Your friends? Close family? A therapist or religious counsellor, perhaps even your favourite website, magazine or blog?

Maybe it’s time for you to consider some unusual sources – such as people in the service industry who have a bird’s eye view of our relationships.

They’ve seen you on dates, on your way to and from these dates, in communication with each other and even fighting… if you do that in public. Here’s their opinion of the state of male-female

relationships in Kenya.

Peter Kirui, 33, bartender at Tribeka Lounge, Nairobi

Gentle and soft spoken, Peter has worked as a bartender for 12 years now. In between taking orders, mixing drinks and pouring wine, he gets a very clear view of the Kenyan relationships scene.

Satmag: From your view, how is the Kenyan relationship scene?

Peter: I think it is good. We are not doing too poorly. But maybe it is because I get to see most people when they are happy. I get to see them when they are having fun.

Satmag: What relationship mistakes are we making?

Peter: We are not having fun with our spouses. About every three out of four people that walk into my bar are accompanied by their side lovers, not their spouses. People do not seem to associate fun with their life partners.

Satmag: What should we start doing different?

Peter: Stop creating romantic memories in the same space with different people. This way, one failed relationship will not take away all the happy memories made there.

Satmag: Your most valuable relationship tip?

Peter: To err is human. The person you eventually choose will make mistakes. Expect that.

Rex Kimani, 32, hair Stylist at Hair Art Salon, Nairobi

For the last decade, Rex’s life has revolved around coiffuring women’s hair. He trims, dyes, treats, styles, and also plays listener to his largely female clientele when they have issues they want to get off their chests.

Satmag: How does the Kenyan relationship scene look to you?

Rex: It is riddled with bitterness. Too many (women) are walking around with chips on their shoulders. Just because one man hurt you does not mean that the rest of the male population is conspiring to hurt you.

Satmag: Our biggest relationship mistake?

Rex: Self-centeredness. Most of those going into today’s relationships are only thinking about what they can get from the relationship, not what they can give. I have listened to a lot of people complaining about what they are not getting from their relationships. Very few acknowledge the things they are not giving.

Satmag: What should we start doing different?

Rex: I am a Christian. I believe that for you to believe in a relationship, you need to believe in something bigger. Everyone needs to find what that is for them. I certainly have not seen enough of this.

Satmag: Your most valuable relationship tip?

Rex: To that woman who is heartbroken, I would prescribe a hair-cut. It is very therapeutic. From my experience, I can promise that it feels better, much better, afterwards.

Wendy Kaloki, flight attendant with a regional airline

As a flight attendant, Wendy witnesses many couples spending lots of time next to each other on flights, and has gleaned some insights on how to relate to each other based on this.

Satmag: From where you are standing, how does the Kenyan relationship scene look?

Wendy: It is bad. People’s motivations have changed. From what I have seen, people are going out with each other for convenience. Relationships are now for status, not necessarily because individuals complement each other.

Satmag: Our most conspicuous relationship mistakes?

Wendy: People in relationships have no respect for each other and no one wants to compromise. That is why you will see shouting matches in public that go on and on because they both want to have the last word. Then there is the present day breed of men who are reluctant to settle down. They are missing out on that chance of growing together with a spouse.

Satmag: What should we do different?

Wendy:  People should drop the spirit of competition. There are different roles for each party in a relationship. Once we understand this, our relationships will be much better.

Satmag: Your most valuable tip?

Wendy: You will be looking for a really long time if you want a man who is already made, ladies.

Kamande Muthigani, 38, cab driver

Kamande has been a cab driver for six years now. Other than the sometimes long hours, his job experience is a mixture of comedy, drama and valuable lessons. Without meaning to, he hears countless phone conversations, and witnesses intimate moments.  He spills the wisdom he has picked up along the way on love and relationships.

Satmag: Do you think that Kenya’s relationship scene is headed in the right direction?

Kamande: No. We are slipping. I have noticed an interesting trend in the recent past. I have seen a lot of older women openly dating younger men. Age difference isn’t really a problem, but when there is no gap between the generations, it is. You can’t have the same vision as someone who is four decades younger than you.

Satmag: Our biggest relationship mistake?

Kamande: The biggest mistake I have seen is that couples are fighting the wrong way. Couples tend to fight when they are drunk. More often than not, a drunken fight leads to simple arguments escalating, ugly things being said and otherwise functioning relationships failing.

Satmag: What can we do different?

Kamande: Have sober fights and have them in the comfort of your homes.  If other people see you undermining your relationship, what reason do they have to respect it?

Satmag: Your most valuable piece of advice?

Kamande: Ladies, when you are going out to drink, wear trousers or a long dress. If nothing else, this will preserve your dignity.

Irine Kasyoka is a personal concierge and lead fixer at The Lady Concierge Company

For four years, Irine’s job has been to step in to fix people’s problems while giving them the luxury of time. Because of the nature of her job, she is rarely needed when things are fine and dandy, relationships included. She has seen it all and thus doesn’t look at love through rose-coloured glasses.

Satmag: How do you think the Kenyan relationship scene is fairing?

Irine: We no longer treat relationships with the sanctity, respect or gravity they deserve. We would rather have picture-perfect marriages, families and work relations that wow and break the Internet yet have absolutely no spine or depth.

Satmag: What is the biggest relationship mistake that we are making?

Irine: Laying out our business on social media. Yes, the beautiful picture you are about to upload may get you likes, so is that mushy status post you just coined. The rant may win you sympathy but at what cost to your relationship?

I also see couples substituting money and gifts where time and communication should clearly have been invested. She will enjoy the delivered flowers and store-bought card for a few hours but they will not fill the void that your attention and concern can ease.

Satmag: What should we start doing different?

Irine: We should stop shifting blame to our partners long enough to figure out what part we played in our ailing relationships. A little introspection can go a long way in remedying the situation. Also, be careful how you use social media in regard to your relationship.

Satmag: Your most valuable piece of advice?

Irine: Money, gifts and all forms of extravagance can land you that lady or gentleman and even keep them interested for a while, but these things aren’t grounds for a solid relationship. Communication, fidelity, mutual goals, respect, a nurturing of each other and rising above personal interest will grow you a strong relationship and leave you more fulfilled.