The little man of the house

Ever since he turned six, Mariam Nguma’s son has taken on the role of the man of the house.

The single mother of one narrates how her son is keen to make sure she is okay, never wandering too far when her phone rings and always defensively enquiring who she was talking to especially if she looks upset. When they come over, her friends and sisters refer to him as the little man of the house.

The society today, through numerous avenues, speaks of the need for a strong male in the home front. A young boy in such a setting who falls and hurts himself will be told not to cry, that he is a man and he can handle it.

Subsequently, like many mothers in her place, Mariam initially found her son’s grownup behaviour appealing, even giving herself a pat on the back as she thought it was a reflection of her great parenting skills.

In the recent past, however, she has increasingly noticed that he synchronises his emotions with hers, becoming very quiet when she is sad.

The child enjoys getting together with his cousins at their grandparents’ home and Mariam knew something was not amiss when the boy, now 9, turned down an invitation to spend time with his relatives during the April holidays saying that his mother needed him.

“I know that ideally, he should be just a child and he should be free of the concerns of my world but because it is just the two of us, I want him to grow up a responsible child. Where do you draw the line?” she asks.

Julius Gitari, a child psychologist notes that the most salient mistake that Mariam has made is allowing others to call her child the man of the house. When this happens, he advises, the person should be corrected immediately in the child’s presence.

Consequences

This phenomenon, which he refers to parentification, is common in single parent homes or marriages that are unfulfilling or unbalanced. Subconsciously, the eldest or most mature child steps up to take the role of the most absent or distant spouse becoming the present parent’s pseudo-spouse.

True, at that moment when they are assuming a parent’s role in the home, a child is likely to feel useful and appreciated but experts are of the view that this child will bear emotional scars into adulthood.

Mariam’s child for instance has evidently been forced to grow up pre-maturely and is likely leading a lonely existence. He is also likely to miss out on developmental milestones; the most important one being forming friendships.

In the longterm Gitari cautions that he might learn that his needs aren’t as important as those of others thus setting himself up as a doormat in future relationships. He may also have difficulties relating with peers as he may come across as bossy.

Salome, a married mother of three aged between four and 13, has a parenting policy where she wants her children to see her as human. Subsequently, when she feels overwhelmed she allows them to see her break down a few times. Am I doing it wrong?” she asks.

Julius, the child psychologist, maintains that the vital message is reassuring your child that you can take care of yourself and them. If you happen to break down in front of him, the most important thing is letting the child know that you are okay soon after.

Guarding your child

Parentification of a child almost always happens subconsciously. The first step that a parent in a single parent home or in an empty relationship can take towards guarding her son is being aware that this could happen.

A mother should then make a conscious effort to remember that her child is not her support system and that she is in fact his support. She can demonstrate this by constantly reassuring him that she is fine so that he won’t feel the need to take care of her.

It may sound honest but avoid telling your son that you wouldn’t know what to do without him.

If you are in a fix, ask for help from your friends or family if you need it so that your child doesn’t feel like he needs to step in.

Regardless of your challenges, the message you send out to your son should always be that you can take care of him and his siblings, and that he is just a boy and not a man.