MANTALK: The question all men dread

What is the one question that your lady can ask you that will completely baffle – if not annoy - you? Hint: It’s not “what are you thinking?” I think it could easily be “Where is this going?”

“Where is this going” is the most disconcerting question ever asked in the history of female questions.

Normally it’s asked when things are actually going very well. They never ask it when you are being an ass. They wait until you are on your best behaviour, that moment when they are giddy with happiness, to reflect on where the whole relationship is headed.

Because relationships just have to be given timelines and milestones and they have to be reviewed to see if things are actually going where they are supposed to be. Whatever that may be.

This is also a question you don’t rush to answer. It’s like being asked, “Does this make me look big?” If you say, “yes, it actually does,” it will open a can of worms you don’t want to deal with and you will find yourself defending things you did months ago, things that were supposed to have been forgotten.

If you say it doesn’t make her look big, when it actually does, some big mouth of a friend, the one who always speaks her mind, will tell her it kind of makes her look big and she will say you can’t be trusted to give a simple honest opinion.

Never mind that when she looks in the mirror she knows very well that indeed the dress makes her look big, but she is hoping you will contradict the voice in her head. Which means that the world would truly be a safer place if women didn’t put a question

mark after any set of words. But let’s see how this goes:

Her: Where is this going?

You: What do you mean?

Her: I mean, where is this relationship going? What is the whole point of it?

You: Uhm, are you unhappy with things the way they are?

Her: No, but surely, we can’t just stagnate at this point forever, can we?

You: I wouldn’t exactly use the word “stagnate”, it has such an unhygienic connotation, like it’s some sort of a breeding ground for mosquitoes or something. Like this relationship can actually cause malaria.

Her: Is it possible to have a serious conversation with you at any point?

You: Come on, it was a light moment!

Her: You are talking about mosquitoes while I’m expressing my fears and concerns to you! You are taking this relationship as lightly as you are taking this conversation.

You: Goodness, OK, fine, I take back my mosquitoes. What is your fear? Tell me. 

Her: Don’t put it that way, you make it sound like it’s so serious!

You: But you have just said that you want me to take it seriously!

Her: Look, I just don’t want to wake up one day and look back to see that this didn’t amount to much. That I wasted my life.

You: Wasted your life? Do you feel like there is a parallel life going on out there that you are missing out on? Look, why can’t we just enjoy this moment now as it is. It is working perfectly. You are happy, aren’t you?

Her: Yes, but come on, what then? What’s the endpoint?

You: I’m confused.

Her: Look, I’m 36 years, I can’t date my whole life. I need more.

You: You are 36? I thought you said you are 30?

Her: (Withering stare)

You: OK, you said you don’t want marriage and kids. That kids will ruin your figure and you can’t live with a man because you love your personal space. Isn’t that what you said when we met?

Her: I know, but I’m a woman. I’m allowed to change my mind!

You: Are you also allowed to move the goalposts too?

Her: So you don’t want marriage and kids?

You: Well, I haven’t thought about it to be honest...uhm, doesn’t mean that it’s not in the cards entirely.

Her: Look, I don’t mean that I want to get married tomorrow, I just don’t want to waste my life if we aren’t on the same page.

You: I honestly don’t see where this is coming from. Is it because your pal, Brenda is getting married next month?

Her: This has got nothing to with Brenda. I don’t want to come across like I want to marry and have children tomorrow!

You: Well, if it’s in the future then why are we having this conversation now? Why can’t we have it in future? What is the urgency?

Her: There is no urgency! You don’t understand what I’m saying.

You: I’m trying to make sense of this stagnant zone you refer to... come on now… wait, where are you going? We are still talking... hey, aww come on, come back... I thought you wanted to talk about it… I am taking it as seriously as you want... I haven’t even mentioned the mosquitoes...oh stop acting up and come back…

So, where is that going, gentlemen?