What’s love got to do with  polygamy?

There was nothing wrong with Zacharia Kurgat’s marriage. He had enjoyed a blissful union with his wife Janet since he got married on March 20, 1999. The two had been blessed with three children, a son and two daughters. Janet worked as a nurse in the maternity wing of a public hospital in Nakuru County while Zack – as he is popularly known among his friends – was a certified accountant in Nairobi. His contractual services were in high demand.

Zack’s career blossomed in tandem with his pay. Every Friday, he’d pack a few clothes and drive home to his wife in Nakuru. Then five years later, things changed. Zack, 49, began missing his Friday trips home. He had found and ‘kept’ another woman – a euphemism for secretly housing a woman apart from his wife. His side relationship, though, was not the casual mpango wa kando arrangement: Eleven months later, in April 2005, Zack took his side woman for his second wife in a customary marriage ceremony.

His reasons? “My grandfather had five wives. My father had three wives and 17 children and he was able to maintain all of them from his large scale farming in North Rift. Getting a second wife was only natural for me.” And so he is simply following in his family’s footsteps, and establishing his own legacy – as well as doing women a favour: “I don’t see anything wrong with it. After all, women would rather the security of a successful man than the attention of a weak and struggling romantic man,” he says.

While Zack’s decision to marry a second wife was inspired by parenting, it was also a show of financial status. “I wouldn’t be a man enough if I got another wife and failed to meet my manly and financial responsibilities,” he says. “You only get a wife your wallet can afford!”

As it turns out, wealth is the most common denominator among men who go for second wives. According to psychologist Dr. Chris Hart, this is not just a Kenyan male thing. “From the mistresses of medieval kings to the harems of Arab potentates, men everywhere have always tried to have more than one partner,” he says; the only difference is scarcity of resources sufficient to support more than one wife that often tames even the most determined men.

“Once they have enough money, every man’s thoughts turn to another wife. So they either have a series of partners – each a little younger than the last – or get a second wife,” he says. His observation is supported by Elias Onyango, 34, who sees nothing wrong with polygamy. “I would get a second wife if I were able to support her and the children. Currently, I cannot afford to do this from my Sh35,000 monthly income as a mechanic. I have a wife and three kids, two of whom are in secondary school,” he says.

Not all polygamous men are happy at how their multiple marriages have turned out. Peter Mbugua Maina, a 60-year-old former high school principal turned cereals wholesaler has two wives. “I married my first wife in 1982. Seven years later, I married my second wife,” he says. It has not been easy. “For years my first wife has perceived my second wife as an intruder who ruined her marriage. My first wife’s children also think that they ought to be the sole heirs to my property,” says the father of eight children. “I should have stuck with my first wife to keep the peace.” He fears that his children will go at each other’s throats should he die.

But does he love his two wives equally? “I was in love with my first wife when I married her. She was the village queen. She loved me even though I didn’t have much money. When I got a job, money started trickling in. Back then, being a high school principal was a huge achievement. My status demanded that I get a second or even third wife – after all, I was on the verge of being the richest man in the village. I wasn’t really in love, with my second wife at first but I was happy with her because she was beautiful, younger and more sexually exploratory.”

Over the years, his fondness for his second wife has grown while those for his first wife have waned. “Perhaps it’s because of the constant conflicts in my first household,” he says.

To men, polygamy is more about ego than it about love and romance. According to Maina, this is why a man’s ego will be greatly bruised if he finds out that any of his wives is cheating on him. “Even the one he is least fond of is still his property. He expects nothing less than total fidelity,” he says. A man’s masculinity thrives when he feels like he is able to sexually fulfill all his women, and father and raise healthy children.

Does a polygamous man love all his wives equally? It varies. “You cannot love two women equally. There will always be a favourite,” Maina says. “However, you will be able to have affection for all of them. If they all have children, you will love them all indiscriminately because they share your blood.”

 In the same vein, some polygamous men feel that having more than one wife provides them with sexual variety which keeps them from straying. “There is no point in straying when you’re polygamous. What other sexual variety will you will be looking for that you can’t get from your wives?” poses Zack.

And then there are men who will marry again if they feel that their first union was forced on them for whatever reason, and don’t want to divorce their first wife. Circumstances such as unplanned pregnancies and family pressure to marry a particular woman will cause this. This is the situation that Patrick Gitau, a 36-year-old construction worker in Nyandarua County, found himself in when he saw it fit to take a second wife.

“I never intended to marry two wives. I only did it because I was forced to marry my first wife, whom I didn’t want,” he says. A casual sexual liaison seven years ago had resulted in an unwanted pregnancy. “Our parents and village elders gave me the option of sending her half the amount of money I made or marrying her. I opted for marriage because it seemed easier.” Patrick now has difficulties managing his two households. “I don’t love my first wife, neither do I have the capacity to fully provide for her from my Sh1,000 daily income. I feel it’s a burden I didn’t want to carry but I can’t divorce her because we have children together,” says the father of four.

MUSLIM MEN ON POLYGAMY

One of the most popular notions is that Muslim men are at an advantage when it comes to marrying more than one wife because it is allowed under Islamic Law. However, according to Senior Counsel Ahmednasir Abdullahi, the concept of Islamic polygamous marriage is commonly misunderstood.

“You don’t wake up one day and get a second wife,” he said in a previous interview with a sister publication. “There are regulations, and personally I’m content with my wife.” Speaking to the Saturday Magazine, Sheikh Abdurrahman Ishaq, the Imam at Parklands Mosque, concurs, saying that marrying more than one woman is not right unless it is obligatory. “Although marrying more than one wife is permitted, monogamy is demanded in cases where there may be injustice in how the wives are treated. Treating all of the wives equally is almost impossible,” he says.

Some of the obligatory reasons why a Muslim man can opt for a second wife are where the man has fallen in love with another woman and wants to avoid adultery, or where the first wife has given consent due to challenges such as inability to meet her husband’s sexual needs, or inability to bear children. Nonetheless, he states that a Muslim woman and her father can object to the second marriage of her husband or son-in-law.

MONOGAMOUS MEN ON POLYGAMY

Many monogamous men who spoke with us tend to view polygamy favourably. However, many feel that in modern society, polygamy is repressed. “We have an instinctive tendency to want more than one woman. And since polygamy is continuously repressed, we opt to hide under the guise of mipangos and clandes to avoid being judged,” says Perminus Wambua, a 37-year-old tours and travel agent.

For others, being a polygamist is all about filling the fertility and reproductive gap. “My wife’s reproductive circle is shorter while mine will extend to my sunset years. In between this gap, I’ll need somewhere to go and instead of ‘sponsoring’ women young enough to be my daughters, I’d rather marry a younger but mature woman,” says Josphat Komu, a 38-year-old surveyor. He admits that he is considering getting a second wife before he turns 50.