When you are married but not over your ex

By the time you walk down the aisle, it is expected that you are over your all your exes. But perhaps there is still that significant one who lingers on in your heart, causing you to wonder if your feelings for your husband are real, and what would happen if your ex came back into your life.

THE EX VS THE HUSBAND

According to Nairobi-based psychologist, Ken Munyua, there are many women who find themselves stuck with this unfinished business. In such cases, the woman likely married her rebound boyfriend, he says. Susan Krauss, author of the Search for Fulfillment, says it is not unusual for you to romanticise your ex over your husband. “The ex is not there anymore, and even though your past relationship may have ended due to very valid reasons, your memory will often tend to soften the harsh edges of those difficulties, casting the ex as pretty desirable over your current partner,” she says.

THE ATTACHMENT VS LOVE

Munyua nonetheless notes that the emotional attachment such women will have for their exes may not necessarily mean that they don’t love their current spouses. “Love is an emotional choice. In this case, the woman may love her current husband but there may be some deeply entrenched emotional attachment to the ex,” he says. “This unfinished business may not be truly love, but an emotional tag in which the lady feels that she wasn’t really appreciated or given reciprocation by the ex.” Although these kinds of attachments to the ex may not look harmful, there is always the risk of a potential affair or discreet post-break up cheating. “She may be happy and committed. The fear would be whether she can leave her current relationship if the ex popped up, apologised and started luring her back. It is in such a situation that cases of infidelity and affairs will germinate,” he says.

GETTING OVER IT

According to Jill Weber, a psychologist and author of Having Sex, Wanting Intimacy – Why Women Settle for One-Sided Relationships, women in these positions must stop romanticising their ex partners, but cautiously avoid vilifying them too. “Taking a cold, hard look at the reality of the relationship with your ex from neither an overly positive nor negative perspective will allow you to see the facts and risks of your prolonged attachment to them,” she says. In the same vein, although you may have married someone you liked but didn’t love because you were still in love with your ex, it may still be possible to turn your liking into love. “If he ticks the right boxes for a long term partner, you should make a choice to love him. Love grows with time while feelings thrive and wane.”