When your man is a stay-at-home dad 

In the past, women were homemakers and often stayed at home to look after things and nurture the kids. However, dynamics are fast-changing and in some instances, a high-earning wife brings the bacon home, while the dad, probably jobless, stays at home. The concept of stay-at-home dad is steadily creeping in, but oftentimes, this turning of tables comes with challenges, unlike the traditional scenario where the woman stays at home or both partners work.

For one, when the woman is the breadwinner, there are issues of control and resentment to grapple with. According to Nairobi-based psychologist Dr Chris Hart, if the woman is the one bringing the bacon home, she is usually in charge of finances and how they are allocated. She decides how the money will be spent. The problem arises because deep down, women still crave to have men as providers, so the woman might find herself looking down on her man for failing to rise to the occasion.

The other problem, as Susan Gacheru, a family therapist based in Nakuru, states, is that the man is bound to experience discontent, insecurity, boredom and loss if identity by being a stay-at-home dad just like a stay-at-home mum would.

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“You might have fights based on his insecurity about his role as the head of the family and as your husband. He might worry that he is not making a contribution to the family and that a man who is better than him out there, a man who has a good job, will catch your attention,” she explains.

To avoid these types of conflict, Gacheru advises that you acknowledge the contribution of the stay-at-home dad in taking care of the home and children while you are away at work. She further notes that you have to keep reinforcing the mutual ideals that brought you together and that continue to glue you together.

Moreover, if he has no income at all, you should mutually agree on the family budget, the amount allocated to help him run the home smoothly, as well as money for him to use for his personal needs. Patrick Musau, a psychologist, adds that women who attend to a man’s most critical need would not have to worry about the reversed roles; this need is the need for respect.

“Accord your man the same respect you would, if he was out there working and bringing home a lot of money. Don’t rubbish his views about the direction the family should take or his abilities as a man, husband and father,” he advises. Musau adds that you shouldn’t portray your man as the weaker spouse or make him look like he is weaker than other men, whether you are with him in private or out in public.

Lastly, being a stay-at-home dad does not rule out your man’s needs to hang out with his boys. In fact, giving him the time to be with his friends is good for your relationship, as it makes him a better partner, according to a study by the University of Gottingen in Germany.

Further, as Gacheru adds, interacting with other men outside the home will help him stay in touch with the realities of the outside world, meet his need for recreation and freedom as well as his need to have some sense of control over his personal life.