When your spouse is suicidal

There is no bigger blow in a relationship than the death by suicide of a spouse. In its trail come questions about why they ended their own life. As Dianah Wanjiku – whose husband committed suicide – shared in the Saturday Magazine in 2015, the partner left behind will wonder what pushed them over when they seemed happy, calm and contented. However, there will always be some signs that a spouse is at the end of their tether:

They’re depressed: This is the foremost telltale sign, and the leading cause of suicide. According to Alex Lickerman, the author of The Undefeated Mind, by the time a spouse turns suicidal, their state of depression will have spiraled into a severe and pervasive sense of suffering and belief that escape from it is hopeless. “The pain of existence often becomes too much to bear and their state of depression warps their thinking into ideas such as ‘They’ll be better off without me.’

Self-degradation and the unheard cry for help: In many given instances, someone who has gone suicidal will tend to lose their conscious and subconscious sense of self-preservation. In its place, they will be imbued with self-hatred, shame and self-degradation. Additionally, says Lickerman, a suicidal person will have been crying out for help. “These people don’t usually want to die but do want to alert those around them that something is seriously wrong. In some cases, they choose methods they think can’t cause death but which end up fatally, like swallowing poison or high doses of a drug,” he says.

Reaction to your concerns: According to Lisa Firestone, the author of Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice, one of the key things you will need to pay keen attention to is your spouse’s reaction when you appear to show concern. “He may quickly deny that he is in distress. He is ambivalent about wanting to be stopped, and if he makes actual statements or alludes to suicide, you must take his words very seriously,” she says. According to Nairobi-based psychologist Dr. Chris Hart, in some cases, a man on his way to committing suicide might be difficult to spot. However, very few spouses will commit suicide on impulse. In most cases, there will be signs. “Such people will seem happy and lead seemingly normal and happy lives. But inside, they will be heavy laden with stress and depression,” he says.

Sudden high spirits: This is one of those confusing symptoms. According to Firestone, if someone has finally decided to end their life, they are bound to become much calmer, relaxed, and even happier just before carrying out their suicide act. She observes that this is usually because they believe that they have found the perfect solution. Susan Gacheru, a family therapist based in Nakuru, adds that this is why you will hear of how no one appeared to see an act of suicide coming because the person who did it was calm and contented. “People will wonder what pushed him over the edge when he appeared happy and contented. But in reality, his contentment was just a façade, beneath which were layers and layers of pain that they couldn’t stand anymore,” she says.