Why people justify their cheating

Infidelity is always accompanied by a host of excuses, motivations and justifications from the cheater and the cheated on. According to Susan Krauss, a psychologist and the author of In Search for Fulfillment, some of the reasons cheating spouses will give for their actions include low sexual and emotional satisfaction in the main relationship, desire for validation by an outside mate, desire for other additional sexual encounters, and curiosity on how a different sexual encounter might be like.

Justifications

Cheating spouses will tend to justify their extra-marital relationships on their ability to remain discreet. For instance, according to Robert Weiss, a relationship coach and the author of Closer Together, one of the most common justifications a cheating partner will use is that their partner isn’t hurt or affected because she isn’t aware of the infidelity or is unlikely to find out.

“In reality though, such a partner will almost certainly be aware of the emotional, and maybe physical distancing in the relationship as the cheater pulls away to their new catch.”  Weiss observes that the aggrieved partner, while not fully aware of the cheating, will internalise blame for the inevitable rift and frictions in the relationship, and start thinking they are the cause.

WHEN BUSTED

While a cheating woman may be genuinely motivated by emotional reasons such as dissatisfaction in the primary relationship, Nairobi-based psychologist Patrick Musau says that men will tend to be fuelled by deliberate sexual desires. “Cheating men will often be conscious of their philandering ways.

From the onset, a cheat will know they’re erring, but that won’t stop them. Instead, they’ll develop justifications to counter their feelings of guilt,” he says. “Unfortunately, the myth that men have a biological imperative to have multiple lovers has become so popular that socially, it is no longer a big deal to cheat.” In most cases, when a cheat is busted, they will often employ their excuses and motivations to rationalise their infidelity. According to social psychologist and co-author of Mistakes Were Made – But Not by Me, Elliot Aronson, these rationalisations will involve blaming the relationship or the betrayed spouse. “Rationalisations by a cheating spouse such as, ‘I haven’t been happy with you for years’ or ‘We don’t have anything in common anymore’ are often big lies built on tiny grains of truth which allow the cheater to blame their actions on the betrayed spouse or the marriage itself,” says Aronson.

In some cases, the betrayed spouse may appear to buy the rationalisations offered. According to Musau, this may occur if she was already emotionally aware and ready to face such a betrayal, or if she is not in a position to take an effective action such as quitting. “She’ll probably have seen the signs way before she caught him. However, her capacity to react might be limited by factors such as financial ability to support herself and her kids if she leaves,” he says.