Why women find it hard to leave sociopaths

It is hard not to fall in love with a sociopath. He is a smooth talker who comes across as charming, intelligent and witty.

He shows you love in grandiose and odd ways. In a nutshell, he knows all the right things to do to draw you in, but once you’re neck-deep in a relationship with this seemingly wonderful man, his true colours begin to show.

He turns from being prince charming into a manipulative, abusing, controlling and domineering man who is also keen on eroding your self-esteem.

Unfortunately, it is not easy to spot a sociopath at first instance, mainly because of their seemingly warm personality. It is only long after he has succeeded in roping you in that you realise something is very wrong.

But while many women in relationships with sociopaths realise that they are not right for them, they find it hard to leave. Why is this so?

STAYING FOR FEAR

Writing for Psychology Today, Seth Meyers, a psychologist, says, “It is often the kindest and most trusting women who suffer the most at the hands of sociopaths, and the healing process for these women continues long after the relationship has ended.

Those in the wake of the sociopath are often left wondering, ‘What happened to me? Why does this guy have such a powerful effect on me?

There is nothing wrong with women who stay in relationships with sociopaths. It isn’t that they are foolish, naïve, have weak character or lack willpower. It is because the sociopath has wielded a certain power over them that isn’t obvious at face value. The sociopath has succeeded in manipulating and controlling his partner and forcing her into total submission.

To make matters worse, because of the charm the sociopath used on her, she is already truly in love with him and she may find herself explaining his abusive behaviour away.

“Some women will feel they have invested too much in the relationship to leave, while the greater majority of women stay on believing that the sociopath is actually a good man, so he will change,” says relationship counsellor, Shadrack Kirunga.

Kirunga continues, “Women in such relationships also stay because of fear. The sociopath uses threats of either hurting the woman, their children or himself if she leaves, to intimidate his partner.

“Another reason why women stay in such relationships  is a crushed self-esteem,” says Kirunga. Sociopaths use a relationship as an instrument to take advantage of ‘weaker’ people – a woman who shows such traits as care and empathy is an easy prey for a sociopath.

“A sociopath crushes her into submission and having no sense of who she is without him.”

The woman believes that she needs him to survive. Sociopaths cut women off from other areas of their own lives to the point that they (women) have no solid relationships outside of this unhealthy one.

“Last is adventure. Some women stick with it just to see where it might lead and only discover too late that they are under his control,” says Kirunga. 

YOU FIRST

Relationship writer Anthony Kagiri adds, “Most times, women stay because they aren’t sure what the future holds.

Most are scared of the unknown, enduring with the hope that things will get better. Others stay because of their kids, they want to raise a complete family.”

So how does a woman get out of such a relationship?

“Leaving is never easy – it requires resolve, commitment, sacrifice and the realisation it won’t be easy. Put your interest and those of your kids (if you have any) first, then do what is best for you and them. If you deal with your heart, the rest will be easy,” says Kagiri.

“It is also important to make it official either through family or at the courts so that you have legal backing,” he adds.

 “Bite the bullet and say enough is enough,” counsels Maurice Matheka, a relationship counsellor. “To stay out of the relationship, stop all communication and minimise contact. Avoid places you know you would bump into him.”

Kirunga adds that you ought to seek professional help or at least speak to someone you trust. You need all of this to rebuild yourself. 

Is your partner a sociopath? 

Take our quiz to find out. If you answer ‘Yes’ to a majority of these questions, then your partner is a sociopath.

•  Is he superficially charming and intelligent?

•  Does he have delusions or episodes of irrational thinking?

•  Is he without nervousness or fear?

•  Is he unreliable and irresponsible, you can’t count on him to come through when you need him to?

•  Does he tell lies or make up bizarre stories to explain stuff away?

•  Are remorse and guilt for the things he does far removed from his emotional palette?

•  Is he always right?

•  Does he operate as a man on an island, with very few or no close friends of his own?

•  Does he have poor judgement of situations and fails to learn from his own experiences?

•  Is he egocentric and incapable of love?

•  Does he generally lack the ability to react emotionally?

•  Does he shift from very nice to abusive without warning?

•   Is he responsive to others socially yet unresponsive to you, especially when it’s the two of you alone?

•  Is he a crazy party fiend, taking his indulgences to a binge level?

•  Does he make fake suicide threats?

•   How does he perceive sex? Is it an impersonal, trivial or poorly integrated part of the relationship?

•  Has he failed to follow a life-plan, or does he have any?

Based on the book Confessions of a Sociopath: A Life Spent Hiding in Plain Sight by M.E Thomas, a self-confessed sociopath.