Why you must say what you want

Six or seven months ago, you met the man of your dreams. Within the first few moments of meeting him, you knew that you wanted much more than friendship or casual dating from him. By the time he took you on your second date, you could already hear the pitter-patter of little feet on wooden floors in a bungalow in one of Nairobi’s suburbs.

It has been a few happy months. He takes you out on dates and seems happy showing you off. He doesn’t send you a string of WhatsApp messages – he actually calls. You have met a few of his friends. You wonder where this is going. So one of those evening when the two of you are texting back and forth, you ask him.

 “By the way, what are you looking for relationship-wise?”

Prince Charming comes clean. “I am not looking for anything serious.”

You feel your heart breaking a little bit. The pitter-patter of little feet in your head stops for a little while. It’s been six months of calls from him every day. He can’t not be looking for anything, you try convincing yourself.

“How about you?” he wants to know.

“Same, just some random play,” you lie.

What you meant to say was, you like him very much and you want something serious that could lead to that walk down the aisle. But you don’t. You don’t want to appear desperate.

PLAYING GAMES

Also, rather than hear him, you start sifting through your six-month-old relationship, looking for clues that this man could want something more from you. Signs that he didn’t mean what he just said. You start thinking how much time you spend together, how great the two of you are together. Surely, he must want something more than just a casual fling, you conclude.

You continue seeing this man, hoping things will change along the way. You hang on to the little things he says or does, which you interpret to mean that he could be seeking something more than he said he is. You clean up after him and give him your shoulder, in the hope that he will snap out of whatever it is that is blinding him and see you for the perfect wife material that you are. You want to believe that you mean something more to him when he takes you biking with his friends or when he kisses you ever so gently on your forehead.

One lazy Saturday afternoon, you see a toddler throwing a tantrum at the supermarket. In response to the spectacle, Prince Charming tells you, “When I have my own children, none of them will pull such a stunt on me. I am going to be a disciplinarian.” But that isn’t what you hear. You hear a man hinting that he wants to have children with you. That he wants to marry you.

One day, he asks you out on a coffee date and tells you that he has met a woman he wants to pursue an exclusive relationship with. You are furious. How could he lie to you and use you for weeks on end only to drop you unceremoniously? All men are dogs! you declare.

This relationship scenario is pretty common with the Kenyan woman. A lot of women, including well-adjusted, high-achieving ones, refuse to listen when a man tells his truth.

We grew up hearing that men love women who have high standards; that no man wants a woman any man can have. That the African man loves a challenge. You probably interpreted this to mean that a high standard woman is one who appears uninterested or one who likes to play games.

You were wrong. This is the 21st century. In his eyes, there is something very intriguing about that woman who is clear about what she wants. And no, those stories you have heard about playing hard to get are false. The only games today’s man is interested in playing are those that he plays with his children.

THRILLING CHASE

The first lesson that we ought to be teaching our young women on manhood is that men always say what they mean. And men aren’t insensitive; a man who is not interested in something serious will say it in no uncertain terms. The writing will be very clear on the wall.  It is just that women choose not to listen.

A man who is only interested in sex will show you.  If a man tells you that he is only looking for a good time, believe him. Do not go home with him expecting that he will have changed his mind in the morning. Do not try playing wife to a man who tells you that he isn’t ready to get married.

Men love the thrill of the chase – we have all heard that. To be fair, there is truth in this statement. Men love challenges. Subsequently, a man will find a woman who appears to be out of his league very intriguing. What you may not have heard is that the intrigue only lasts up to some point. Men are made to spread their genes (evolution). A man’s first natural emphasis is on genetic reproduction. So he will chase you for a while before realising that he doesn’t want to spend his entire life chasing you. How long a man lasts on the chase will depend on how elastic his patience is.

A man will pursue a woman for months only because there are indications that he will get her at the end. This is why you should say what you mean. If you want a relationship, then say so. If you want a physical relationship, say it. If you want a relationship that will lead to marriage, tell him. Do not say something different and then get angry when he can’t read your mind.

Ask any man on the street and he will tell you that he would be happier if we all did away with the mind games. If you want the two of you to take the relationship to the next level, don’t drop hints and then expect him to read your mind.

If you choose not to say what you mean then do not get all worked up when the man of your dreams decides to date someone else.