Why you shouldn’t marry a bad boy

Every adult woman has come across him at least once in her life.

He’s the one who scarcely pays you attention when all the men in the room are fawning all over you. If you do manage to catch his eye, he will always keep you wondering. He’s the one whom you can’t quite give a straight answer when a friend asks if you’re dating. He is the man who is always just out of your grasp. The unavailable man.

There are two types of unavailable men, and neither make a good marriage candidate. There is the man who is married, engaged or separated but not divorced. Then there is the man who is single but emotionally unavailable. The latter is the one I will be talking about today.

Dealing with the emotionally unavailable man is a very confusing kettle of fish. He often has all the characteristics of Mr Right; he will be respectable, hold a good job, be physically available… but when it comes to emotions, he is aloof, shifty and very hard to read. And all of these make him a very thrilling catch.

He is the perfect candidate for a fling. The uncertainty, the mystery, not knowing whether he will call you after your hot date, not knowing whether he will show up on time or whether he will show up at all – basically not knowing where you stand – can be an exciting feeling for someone who isn’t looking to settle down.

The emotionally unavailable man is this way because he has a deep-seated, subconscious fear of intimacy. Often, this wound comes from an emotionally traumatic experience he had growing up, or from heartbreak caused by a past relationship. As a result, he is out of touch with his feelings so he dates but he can’t quite connect with another person.

HUSBAND IN NAME

You must have heard the story of the bad boy who dated a string of women but once he found the right woman, he quit his bad boy ways to become a faithful husband and a doting father. I have heard it too. This ‘bad boy turned perfect family man’ is a tale told by women who are in love with men who are running wild, men who can’t be caged. For what it’s worth, this story gives women going into marriage hope. But it is a fantasy, not reality.

The harsh truth is that no amount of loving can change the emotionally unavailable man. The only reason such a man changes is because he becomes self-aware  and goes out of his way to work out the root cause of his fear, and deal with it. His inspiration to become a man capable of loving has to come from within within, not without.

No matter how many times we hear this though, there are still women who think they are goddesses who can love a bad boy into a committed relationship. I believe this attitude stems from our upbringing. Women, African women, are raised to love and to nurture. They are raised to clean out dirt and bring things to life. These attitudes often spill over into our dating lives.

But even if you trick him down the aisle, find a house and fill it with babies, you will soon realise that your husband is still unavailable.

He may be your husband in name, but emotionally, he is still single. While you are home raising his children and cooking his pilau, your man will be out with his single friends, drinking, dancing and flirting because he is single. He will lack emotional boundaries with female friends, co-workers and even exes.

Because he is emotionally immature, he will not know how to fight with you. Because he doesn’t have the emotional capacity to process the array of feelings that are experienced during a fight, he will withdraw. You will spend the rest of your life chasing him. That is not thrilling for any woman. 

What can you do?

Women are emotional beings; we do not like to feel ignored or abandoned. Being married to the emotionally unavailable man is a very lonely experience. Should you find yourself here, you do not get to complain about any of it because that is what you signed up for. He showed you who he was but you married him anyway.

We can all avoid getting here in the first place by acknowledging that a man isn’t a piece of plasticine that you can mould into your desired shape. Stop teaching young women to see the potential in a man. Do not marry a man for the man you think he can become. If he isn’t keen on talking about feelings now, a relationship will not inspire him to want these things.

Do you have a pattern of attracting emotionally unavailable men? Then you are the problem. I know you may have heard something different but in love, opposites do not always attract. We attract who we are. If you are attracting unavailable men, it is possible that you have your own concealed fears of commitment. Fix this and you will start attracting a different kind of man.