Will I ever find a woman to marry me?

This week we advise a single father of three who is worried that he’ll never find a woman to marry

I married a single mother, who had a one-and-a-half-year-old son, in 2001. She gave birth to my daughter after six years. My wife became rude and started smoking after the birth of our daughter.

After giving her several warnings, I slapped her and she left me with the children. She came back after two weeks but she did not give motherly attention to the children or pay attention to her wifely duties.

She never had sex with me for three years, and when she finally did she conceived. She said she didn’t want to bring up another child and tried to abort but she was unsuccessful.

Throughout her pregnancy she did not talk to me. She gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. After some time she told me that she would kill the kids and commit suicide, but when I told her to spare the kids, she left me and left the kids behind.

I have raised the kids for four years and I was even fired from my job to go and take care of them. My problem is that I am unable to get a wife.

Last year, I married a lady who was willing to help me raise my children but her family stopped her.

Why is it that a man can marry a woman with kids yet no woman can accept a man with kids? Will I ever get a woman who cares about me and the kids to marry me? Please advise me. D.N.

Readers’ advice

It is not that women refuse to marry you because you have children, they just have preferences in men that they don’t see in you. However, that is not to say that no woman will like you.

After all, you have already mentioned two women who were attracted to you and married you. You will get a wife with time, but in the meantime, focus on raising your children so that whichever woman comes into your life later, finds a warm and united family. Lastly, to answer your question, there are women who may fear getting into a relationship with you because they fear that the mother of your kids will come back. Francis Makuba

It is saddening to read about what you have gone through, but first things first, you need to accept your situation so that you can make good decisions. It may not be easy to find a woman without children to raise your three children, but I am sure that with time you will find someone who accepts you and your kids.

In the meantime, get a relative who can help you look after the kids as you work to provide for them. Also, remember to take one day at a time because God does not give you a challenge you can’t handle. Jane Ndule

Do not imagine that it is the children who are standing between you and a good wife. The reason why you haven’t gotten a woman who accepts you with your kids is because the ones you are meeting are not the right ones.

Moreover, the sole reason why you want to marry cannot be because you want someone to raise the children; that problem can be solved by having a house help. Look for a wife who loves you and if she can take care of kids too, that’s a bonus. Sally Thony Shammy

Your wife was probably suffering from post-partum depression hence her behaviour. It is not that she doesn’t love or care for the kids, she acted that way because she is sick. Please look for her and take her to a doctor for treatment. Elizabeth Karathing’a

If it were not for her family stopping her, the woman you married last year was willing to be your wife despite the fact that you have three kids. That is proof enough that there are women out there who will accept you with your kids. Calleb Were

There are women who do not mind marrying a man with kids as long as they love him. Take your time and you will get to meet such a woman. Shamim Mwende

Expert advice

Maurice Matheka, a relationship counsellor answers:

It is unfortunate that things did not work between you and your wife, but getting another wife is not just about getting a woman to raise your kids, otherwise you could just hire a maid to do that.

What you need in a wife is a woman who is compatible with you and who understands that you and the kids come as a package. It is a woman’s character that will determine whether she is a good mate for you or not.

Instead of rushing trying to find a wife, be patient and concentrate on being a good father to your kids. As you have already experienced, there are hurdles to finding a good wife as a single father but that is not to say that you can’t find one. As a bonus tip, when you take a woman on a date, watch how she relates with and addresses other people; this will tell you a lot about how she will treat you and your kids.