What kind of angry woman is yours?

Have you ever been so pissed off with your woman you hear yourself reciting Psalm 55:22? “Cast your burden on the Lord and He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.”

Never mind that you aren’t even that spiritual, neither can you recall the last time you were in church, but that verse just comes to you as clear as day, as if sent by the Lord himself to calm your tits.

It isn’t even the appropriate verse for that moment, but it’s all you have. No, actually, you also have John 11:35 (“And Jesus wept”) but that you can’t recite in anger; it might make you break down and weep. Then she will have won.

We are told to breathe deeply and slowly in moments of rage. To count from 100. To close your eyes and imagine yourself under a palm tree with your head in the lap of a topless traditional Swahili woman who is in the process of feeding you mvinyo. Anything to lower your blood pressure and reduce the thudding in your forehead. Anything to clear the redness in your eye.

Someone once told me that the easiest way not to overreact when your woman is really getting on your last nerve is to think of her as a child. You can tell which era this guy is from. I remember laughing at this piece of seemingly preposterous advice. “Think of her like a child?” I thought to myself. “Goodness, give me a moment I check what year it is again, I must have stepped into 1971.”

But then one day I tried it. And it worked. Then I tried it again. And it worked. Then I shared it with a friend. It worked for him too. This either meant that we are inherently a bunch of closeted chauvinists or that old guy had a headful of wisdom.

Here is why it works; when your woman does something to make you really hot under the collar and you think of her as a child, you stop being angry because children are from God. They are harmless and innocent and they should be guided, not screamed at. There, don’t you feel calm already by just reading that?

But this can’t work with all women because some women just cannot be handled. Check out the list below to see if your woman is one of them.

THE SILENT ONE

She won’t say anything. But you will know she is mad when you walk in and find her doing something odd like cleaning her shoes. Over and over again. If you ask her, she will mumble that she is fine. She won’t speak on WhatsApp. She won’t speak on Facebook. If you are walking past her and you accidentally step on her small toe, she won’t say a word.

This is the mad one. Watch her; she might stab you with a fork when your back is turned.

THE ABUSER

This is the comic. She will hurl insults at you. She will call your head big (it is, yes, but what’s the point of a small head?), or call you a pot-bellied loser. Then she will abuse your friends, the ones she hates. She will say how useless they are and how all of you are lost. Then she will abuse your father, especially if he’s a dysfunctional drunk, and condemn you to end up like him.

The beauty with this one is that she abuses and the poison drains out of her, and an hour later she will be calling you “sweetie”. Actually, this one is mad too. Watch her.

THE THROWER

She will hurl things at you. An iron box. A book. TV remote. A broom. Shoes. Tubs of body lotion. A fruit. Thermos flask. A stone. Car keys. A mobile phone. A fixed phone. Framed pictures. A stool. Another big stool. A torch. A tub of toothpaste. An earthen cup. A Bible. Eyeliner. A bad look.

The skill you need to handle this one isn’t diplomacy or rationale; it’s the art of ducking and weaving.

WHICH BRINGS US TO THE PRAYERFUL ONE

She will leave everything in the hands of God. She works on the smart and practical rationale that you were made in His likeness and image, which means everything you do God can understand and cause you to change through His divine intervention.

So she will light candles for you and say novenas and gather her prayer warriors to intercede. God will change you. Not her.

THE WRESTLER

She isn’t even big. In fact, the big ones can’t wrestle, they get tired too quickly. It’s the small ones that are a problem. Those pint-size girls with small feet. The ones who shop in the kid’s section of the retail shops.

Terrible women when angry, just terrible. Those ones will wrestle you; they will bite you, and pull your hair and beat you with their small hands and they will not stop until either you outrun them or you put them in a pram.

THE AVENGERS

They will be mad at you but you won’t know it. They will act like its no big deal, then you will forget. But then they will be planning a revenge. The revenge always comes in form of a payback. Tit for tat. They don’t believe in turning the other cheek, or even reciting Psalm 55.

Where does your woman fall? You figure it out.