LIZZIE'S WORLD: A horribly awkward start

Liz and Johann’s friend definitely do not get on like a house on fire at their first meeting. ILLUSTRATION| JOSEPH NGARI

What you need to know:

  • We reach out and shake hands awkwardly. Set-up dates are horrible like that.
  • “Well then, I’ll just go and check on dinner and see if Jo needs any help, yes? You two kids get to know each other now!”
  • Johann waves me towards Gabriel and waltzes out of the living room and towards the kitchen while I assess Gabriel.

I walk into Jo and Johann’s living room. Jo is in the kitchen taking care of business, and Johann ushers me in, taking the bottle of wine I have brought and setting it down on the living room table. There’s soft jazz music playing in the background, and the lighting is set to almost-dim. “Before we do anything else, let me pour you a drink and introduce you to my friend.” A gentleman rises from the couch just ahead of us, and from the moment I lay eyes on him, I know one thing: he is absolutely the last sort of guy I would ever be involved with.

“Gabriel, this is Liz,” Johann says, swaying gently to the music. His face is flushed and he’s looking a little more ‘jolly’ than I am used to seeing him. I gather he’s had a few drinks before I got here, and my thought is confirmed when he picks up a whisky glass from the table and waves it around as he speaks, the ice in it clinking against the cut glass. “Liz, this is my friend Gabriel.”

We reach out and shake hands awkwardly. Set-up dates are horrible like that. “Well then, I’ll just go and check on dinner and see if Jo needs any help, yes? You two kids get to know each other now!” Johann waves me towards Gabriel and waltzes out of the living room and towards the kitchen while I assess Gabriel.

He’s tall and fit, much like Alex – another one of Johann’s friends – is, and perhaps it is this uncomfortable reminder that has put me off him. He looks the upwardly mobile corporate type in his chinos, collared shirt and v-neck sweater, but it is his shoes that put me off: Gabriel is wearing boat shoes and no socks. I cannot abide by a man who wears boat shoes.

“Well, this is, um, interesting…” he says by way of opening. I can’t tell whether he is nervous or whether he really can’t think of anything to say, but I can tell by the way he automatically goes quiet that I must have raised a skeptical, judgmental eyebrow. I struggle to adjust my face and consciously adopt a friendly demeanour while he struggles to find something to make him busy. He looks around the room, biting his lip, as his eyes scan the environment, then alight on the bottle of wine I have just brought. “Aha, um, shall I pour you a glass?” he asks, waving his hand in the general direction of bottle. I might as well say yes; I will need lots of fortification to get through what is promising to be a horrible evening.

“Oh, um, well, it looks like I’ll have to go find a wine opener,” Gabriel says as I survey his back, turned towards me as he tries to locate an opener. It’s a nice back, I’ll admit – broad shoulders, slim-ish waist and all that. This man clearly spends a substantial amount of time in the gym. But still… those godawful shoes!

“Sure,” I say, maintaining my smile that I am sure does not look like it has reached my eyes, no matter how much I try to radiate friendliness and warmth. Gabriel scuttles off into the kitchen and leaves me alone for a few long minutes. I plop myself down on the couch and stare at my fingernails, debating whether I should just walk into the kitchen and announce that it is time for me to go home.

I can hear laughter coming from the direction of the kitchen, which is irritating to me: Why is there a party going on around me as if I have not been invited to it when, in fact, I have? I sit there for a few more minutes, listening to the sounds of merriment wafting towards me. Just when I figure I have had enough and it’s time for me to leave, Johann and Gabriel come back, Johann’s arm firmly around Gabriel’s shoulder as if he is steering him towards me against his will. If Gabriel has to be forced to talk to me is there any point to this evening, really?

“There’s an opener in the cabinet over there,” he says. “Now stay here and keep the lovely lady company while I go and feel up my wife,” he winks at us, then turns around and walks off. Yes, Johann is definitely drunk – but that said, that last remark of his has me cracking up.

I turn towards Gabriel and find him laughing as well and just like that, the ice between us breaks. “Come, let’s open this bottle,” he says, and I nod my head and join him the search for the missing wine opener.