Resistance does not solve anything

The chama chairperson invited me to their monthly meeting last week.

At first I refused the invitation but changed my mind after the chairperson sent a delegation of three members to explain why they needed me there.

You may be wondering why I would refuse to attend chama, given that I am the only male in this welfare group that comprises about 70 women. The reason is that the chairperson called and declared that they had decided to ‘resist’, and wanted me to teach them how to do it.

“I am a doctor, not a politician,” I told her. “I only teach people how to improve their sexuality so please keep me out of your resisting agenda!” I declared.

“I am offended that you can talk like that to the chairperson,” she answered, and hung up. The next day, three chama members were in my office to explain that the chairperson was annoyed because I was quick to jump into conclusions.

“All we want is for you to come and tell us how to manage unromantic men who use the December holidays to frustrate us,” one of the members explained.

She said that as the December holidays approached, men were already planning to visit their villages and hold parties for their clansmen and that women were expected to do manual work upcountry instead of enjoying the holidays.

“It is slavery at a time when the whole family should be relaxed, and we feel it is not fair,” explained another member. “That is why we are planning to resist by denying them sex to punish them, but we are not sure how this will turn out.”

ASSAULTS THEIR EGO

Given the topic, I decided to attend the chama meeting. Let’s get this clear: Good sex boosts your husband’s ego. It makes them feel good, and energises them. Denying a man sex makes him feel rejected. It is an assault on their ego. A man’s ego yearns acceptance.

For most men, a challenge on their ego leads to a negative reaction meant to save their self-esteem. Hence, some men may drown themselves in alcohol while others go into depression. Some men will start an affair as a way of fighting back.

Remember, it is all about acceptance and if one is not accepted at home, they look for consolation elsewhere so as to boost a deflated ego. “You sound like you really support men’s misbehaviour. I am disappointed. Are they delicate beings for whom we have to sacrifice everything or they perish?” a member interjected.

Well, look at it both ways: If you deny a woman sex, she will also fight back to protect her ego. I once met a woman who had gone quiet on her husband for two months after he denied her sex. In another instance, a woman went back to her parents to report that her husband was behaving like her sibling because he never initiated sex.

That said, you are also responsible for your own sexual pleasure and happiness. When you deny your spouse sex, you also miss the pleasure and warmth of being close to him. “To say the truth I would actually suffer more,” a member shouted from the back of the room as everyone burst out laughing.

When you withhold sex to solve a relationship problem, you make the problem bigger. Is it not better to sit your man down and discuss how best to make the holiday fulfilling for both of you?

“Ok doctor, your point is well taken and we will reconsider our resistance,” said the chairperson as she made her closing remarks. “Meanwhile, members commit to enjoying sexual pleasure during these holidays because, as we have been told, you are responsible for your own pleasure.”