An ode to Female Third wheelers

Last year I wrote about the male side kick, A.K.A third wheeler. Usually very good looking, charming, but his most important attribute, without which he would not get the part, he is totally broke.

His job in the three-some is to get and entertain the girls for his rich and ugly friend; make his friend appear attractive (usually a Herculean task, but thank goodness the friend has money, and money has a way of turning total frogs into handsome princes). The third wheelers reward is to have his entertainment tab picked.

Today, I honor the female sidekick. She is so different from her male counterpart it almost seems wrong for them to share the title. Usually ugly (well, the less attractive of the two girls), and unlike her male counterpart who needs to be interesting and the talker, her job is to sit there and look ugly, period. She is successful if the man of the day spends the whole evening without addressing her (because she blends with the furniture). If she coughed, the man would wonder why the furniture coughed.

Her official role is to make her friend appear prettier by juxtaposing herself next to her. Her less luminous role is to make her friend feel the safety in numbers, just in case the date went wrong, or turned physical. It happens, you know.

The life of a female third wheeler is quite interesting. She gets to drink expensive cocktails, dance at VIP areas in overpriced lounges, sleep in expensive hotels, fly to beautiful holiday destinations — and what is more, she does not even have to sleep with anyone for it.

Neither does she have to pay for it herself. The man’s friends will not want to be the ones who “slept with the ugly chic” so they keep their distance.

Virgins

It is then safe to conclude that most female third wheelers remain virgins until the day they decide to shed their ugly mask, because you see, the “ugly” is not really ugly, it is a mask, a front – you can make people see what they want to see.

Unbeknown to them, until much later in life, by being the “ugly chic”, they go through serious life training.

They spend a great deal of time observing people, listening to people, without having the pressure of being a participant; they become experts in body language and what different voice tones mean.

They become experts in psychology just by observing how people relate with each other— again, with no pressure of being a participant because you know, she is a bit like furniture.

As a result, they become shrewd in more ways than one and if they chose to take that path, they make waves in the corporate world.

By this time, they know how to play the powers that be like a violin. They have 50 different faces, for each occasion. If they think the ugly face suits the situation, they switch a button and viola, ugly comes. If they think they need to be charming and attractive, boy oh boy, watch that mask make a perfect fit on her face and she becomes the woman who makes even four legged animals want to hump on her leg.

Professional comforter

She spends quite a bit of their time comforting the pretty friend because in the life of their friendship, the friend will have had her heart broken several times, and the ugly one would learn to be a professional comforter. That would also serve in teaching her that, physical beauty is fickle and inner strength will surpass difficult situations.

These friendships do not survive  to adulthood because the roles get jumbled up when the side-kick is ready to face the world.

The pretty girl cannot take the fact that the ugly became beautiful, and the pretty became unsure of her looks. The ugly, of course, is unwilling to take back seat.

Female third wheelers end up being movers and shakers. Male third wheelers — I reserve my comments because if I say they end up as losers, some people may take it personal.