Things that make me want to go ‘Keter’ on people

The rant of the year goes to one Alfred Keter. Dude was beyond pissed off; he was livid. I believe the last time someone was that angry was when Adam realised the tree whose fruit he had just eaten.

He could see, all right, but he knew that choice had some major consequences, like having to live in houses that might just collapse when you sneeze.

We would all just be chilling in the garden of Eden wearing nothing but smiles and eating all the fruits and vegetables we want. I digress.

That rant gave every TV station’s bleep machine a complete workout. Keter was name dropping like he was trying to get through airport security and he did not have all his documents.

If I knew all those guys, I would drop their names everywhere. I would refuse to pay for fuel and when asked why, I would go off and mention all of them and then threaten them with closure. Don’t mess.

I couldn’t even be mad at Keter. Sure, what he was doing was despicable. I don’t care if he was ranting because the cops had refused to release the truck or because he was against paying a bribe, why I say that I am not mad at him is because we all at one point or another want to go off on someone like that.

There you are standing in line at the bank waiting to go and whisper at the teller who will not as much as give you a second look when you feel hot air on your neck. It is the kind of warm air that has some smell to it.

You turn and bam, there is a man so close to you, any closer and he would be part of you. People who have no respect for personal space deserve to have Keter call them Matapaka.

There are those who stand so close, you can feel the phone in their pocket, at least I pray that is what it is.

Remember all those baby photos you found whenever you logged onto Facebook? Well, those kids are now in nursery school and you want to call Keter and tell him to ask his powerful friends to call these “rogue” mothers and tell them to stop posting pictures of their kids in uniform every morning.

We saw that your child went to school on January 6, why do I need a reminder on January 30? If the kid is as smart as a whip, he would be in Standard Seven now.

I have no qualms about people posting pictures of their babies, no. I actually hit the “Like” button every once in a while to show my approval, but why do I have to see the baby wearing the same uniform I saw her in yesterday?

Is the child changing colour? No? Then stop posting photos daily or else Keter will be all over you like a cheap suit. Just imagine if he fights small wars with that much passion, how will he fight for the rights of people who do not want child-in-school-uniform photos?

But the big war that Keter was talking about is preserved for that thingamajig called Selfie stick. Surely people, I bet there are people who will gladly take a photo of you for free, all you have to do is ask.

All of a sudden, we have people in photos looking like they are harvesting mangoes or cleaning windows. I hate selfies as much as the next guy, no, not girl, guy.

But I can tolerate close-ups but when you have to include your feet in your selfie, a line has to be drawn on the sand and calls have to made and you, my friends, better pick up or as the great Keter asked: “Kwani nyinyi ni nani? You are waiting to hear from who, God?”

Just break your selfie stick into three and start using your friends to take your photos. Gives you time to pose and make yourself look good.

Going offline now, teachers, can you cease and desist using that “Solidarity forever” song please? I believe the government refuses to listen to your demands because the Cabinet secretary is sick and tired of that song.

Listen, Keter reminded all of you who the government is, and who can reverse laws, so drop the song. Come up with better songs and see your accounts swell with cash.

If you do not heed my call, remember what the good man caught on tape said he does to innocent people. Hey, don’t shoot the messenger.

@Mwanikih