How to fight boredom when with bureaucrats

How to fight boredom when with bureaucrats. ILLUSTRATION| FILE

What you need to know:

  • One strategy for surviving this type of torture is by trying to have as much fun outside the meeting as is possible at that particular destination.

  • Since wine, women and song often flow at the multiple receptions that usually surround such meetings, I am not by any means suggesting that you cause a diplomatic incident by overindulging in any of these (especially not in the era of Facebook and Twitter!)

If ever you are invited to participate in an event with the word “universal” or “world” or anything similar in its title, then please do not attend.

It is a code for indicating that people are going to be drawn from all over the earth either to speak in many tongues, or to speak in one tongue that everyone barely understands.

(Or maybe they just pretend not to understand the English since, every so often, they pause to bark at the translator for not expressing their meaning perfectly, in flawless English of course.)

Anyway, the safest thing to do if you are asked to speak in a new language is to read a prepared statement. All bureaucrats know that you do not do this in the manner of an actress auditioning for a part in a hit movie.

Instead you do it in the kind of quiet monotone that mothers use to lull their infants to sleep. Indeed the only thing that keeps the rest of the bureaucrats awake is their itchy ears (itchy from unsanitary-headphone-induced dermatitis.)

My experiences at these sort of meetings have led me to believe that bureaucrats have a global network that enables them to cut and paste exactly the same statement for all the lullaby bureaucrats who have been sent to represent them in the meeting.

The boredom tolerance of these individuals will make them worthy of their per diems.

EVER SINCE WINE

One strategy for surviving this type of torture is by trying to have as much fun outside the meeting as is possible at that particular destination.

Since wine, women and song often flow at the multiple receptions that usually surround such meetings, I am not by any means suggesting that you cause a diplomatic incident by overindulging in any of these (especially not in the era of Facebook and Twitter!)

Instead I am suggesting that you join every excursion and indulge in every ‘authentic’ local experience while making good use of your digital camera.

Of course this is how I ended up drinking two wooden bowls of sour Yak milk (while remaining in complete ignorance of the personal hygiene habits of the said Yak) -- but things are not always quite that dramatic.

Apart from the fact that milk goes bad all over the world, I have also been amazed by the proliferation of pyramid-like structures.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am very proud of our African Egyptian pyramids which are clearly one of the wonders of the world. However, having gazed at other pyramids in various famous spots, I have come to the conclusion that the building of these structures was induced by the same sort of spirit that caused my high school prefect to make me write “I will never talk during prep again” 500 times. I imagine that being forced to pile thousands of heavy blocks on top of each other into a precise shape, which is of no particular use, would be even more effective towards subjugating minions.

Besides boredom-recovery tourism, it helps to tell a few bland jokes (the type that will not create the afore-mentioned diplomatic incident.)

It is amazing what bureaucrats will laugh at. I even overheard a group brought to tears (of joy) when one of their number said, “Don’t put anything on Facebook that you would not shout if your grandmother, spouse and employer are present!”

However, my own jokes fell extremely flat. My interpreter regularly used her A4-sized tablet as a phone, so when she drew out her normal-sized smartphone I commented with a smile “Congratulations! Your phone had a baby!” -- provoking a blank state.

When I asked her about wildlife in the country, she said, “We have a lot of gophers on our grasslands.” “Lions?” I asked, jokingly. “No.” “Tigers?” “No.” “That is why you have a lot of gophers on your grasslands!” Not even a half-smile!

Although it is hard to be interesting among bureaucrats, I do appreciate that global meetings are essential for all the good things in life to happen such as world peace, shared knowledge and microphone sales.

Enjoy your conferences this weekend.