Of church charlatans and the congregations in need of salvation

A few years ago, a publication in Johannesburg commissioned me to do an article on the new-age Pentecostal churches. During the course of my research, I visited three churches. For lack of space, I will only recount my experience at the first church. 

When I got there, the pastor and his wife, both in designer gear, welcomed us at the door. This church was in a poor neighbourhood. Only 20 percent were from the well-heeled suburb overlooking the poor one (think Karen and Kibera).

All seated, this pastor began by telling us a parable of two competing businessmen. One would go to church every Sunday and listen to the whole service. The other was such a busy man that he only came by when it was time to give the offertory. It was then that he would go up the altar and give two bags of money to the church.

This man’s business became more and more profitable while his rival who listened carefully to the sermon never became as profitable. The poorer man spoke to the pastor wanting to know what he was doing wrong. The pastor answered, “It’s because, unlike your rival, you are not giving to the Lord generously and joyously”.

SIGNS AND WONDERS

Parable done, the pastor nodded to the ushers to pass the baskets so he could see what joyful givers his congregation were. “The Lord will take money that tinkles but He prefers money that rustles. Remember the man in the parable, believers. Remember that to him who gives more, more shall be given.”

When the basket got to me, it was full of 100-rand bills.  The ushers were also available with machines for the well-heeled to donate their contributions electronically. Because, well, the Lord may be priceless but there should still be a Mastercard for Him.

Then our Man of God testified that he had a vision where the Lord told him that someone was looking for a job and if you were that person you should step forward. Many young people and I went forward. No, I was not looking for a job. I was, however researching for one. When Pastor got to me he asked, “And you my daughter, what job would you like?”

“I would like to be president,” I answered solemnly.

“Huh?” he questioned, doing a double-take.

“President. Head of state. Citizen Number One for South Africa. I would like to be a president.”

Pastor smiled wistfully but did not let my cheeky demand deter him. He prayed for me in a language I could not understand then forcefully pushed my forehead. I had been waiting for this and had my feet firmly planted on the ground. The usher behind me whispered, “Let yourself go sister. Fall, I will catch you.” I whispered back, “Why?” 

I thought of this pastor this week.  It was not too far away from here that there was, a few months ago, people at another church eating grass although they appeared to enjoy it more than the Biblical Nebuchadnezzar and drinking petrol and stating that it tasted like juice.

In Kenya, we have had pastors who can turn potassium permanganate into blood, thanks to a bit of water.

SNAKE CHOCOLATES

In Zimbabwe there was the infamous “Miracle money” where church members would “miraculously” discover large amounts of money through faith alone and every country seems to have some pastor who claims to cure cancer, HIV and other terminal illnesses.

Finally there is the story of Pastor Mnguni’s arrest. Pastor Mnguni, for those who have not been following, is the Pretoria pastor who fed his congregants snakes, which apparently tasted “like chocolate” (as an aside, if cat, rabbit, frog legs and all other meat is supposed to taste like chicken, who am I to doubt that the snake tasted like chocolate?). He was arrested for cruelty to animals because he fed the church members live snakes.

The law is interesting. Would he have escaped arrest if he had fed church members dead snakes, I wonder. Prior to the snake situation, this pastor was caught on camera jumping up and down on his congregants to push out demons.

I have seriously been thinking that if the pastor is sent to prison, perhaps his congregants, all of them adults, should be sent to some psychiatric unit for gullibility.

Surely all the above incidents are examples of taking freedom of religion too far? Is it time perhaps for the faithful to re-examine their faith?