Oh, for the good old days when life was much simpler

My mother stays in Australia. She will be 70 next month. You wouldn’t know it to if you talked to her.

She knows who Justin Bieber is dating. Where I thought 2Chainz was a Nigerian singer (err all the good music is coming out of Nigeria, after all), she knew who he was.

She knows the names of all the Kardashians, and possibly what Kanye really thinks about his mother-in-law. This is all, of course, thanks to my 15-year-old cousin who visits her often. They have a really close relationship and because she wants to be hip and happening so she looks like the ‘cool aunt’ she makes sure she knows all this useless information.

Her relationship with my little cousin Le-Anne has also led her to discovering social networks, which she does not always use well.

For instance, she decided to connect with Tops (the husband, also known as The Other Parent and a top-drawer guy in his own right) on LinkdIn.

NEW CONNECTIONS

I think the poor guy was too polite not to connect with her despite the fact that she is a retired child psychologist and he is a journalist so they probably won’t hook each other up with jobs.

Unfortunately for him, she used the platform for other reasons. She will send him a message reading something like, “Hello son. I was Googling you and I read something you wrote.

Well done. How is the family? There have been some fires here in Australia and it’s hot but we are drinking plenty of water.

I hear the young boy is having nosebleeds. Tell him to always wear a hat when he goes outside.

Please you must all be safe from the bombs, stay away from Mombasa or any places with al-Shabaab. Greet your parents and your brother.”

Much as this sort of thing is great material for this column, I sort of feel sorry for Tops.

I am made of sterner stuff, however. When mama sent me a Facebook friend request, I quickly confirmed then unfriended and blocked her.

I love my mama but having spent almost a month explaining some of the explicit language in my first book, I am not sure I want to do that with my mostly quirky Status Updates too.

She called me. “Err Zukiswa, I sent you a Friend Request on Facebook. It looked like we were friends but now you have disappeared. What happened?” I answered, “Eish ma, I don’t know. Can you try to send me a request again?”

Zukiswa 1-0 Mama.

But then Le-Anne, the 15-year-old cousin, suggested that she should upgrade her phone and instead of her Nokia 19-World War II, she bought an Android phone.

And as we all know, with great Androids come great apps. And one of those apps is WhatsApp, which she has downloaded. I knew I was in trouble when she sent me a message saying:

“William and Kate are pregnant again.”

Me: “Who are William and Kate?”

Mama: “Hawu Zukiswa, don’t be silly. Princess Di’s son and the girl he married in 2011.”

My mother was a big fan of the late Princess Di and talks about her as though we were family friends.

Me: “Good for them.”

(What was I expected to say, I ask you?)

BLUE TICKS

WhatsApp has my mother sending me all sorts of messages all the time. She even forwards me jokes. She is responsible for sending me the joke of the young boy who is ‘exasperated’ because his parents are having a third child.

She wants to discuss Ole Lenku and Kimaiyo. “I saw it on BBC, what’s the feeling on the ground?” She sends Voice Notes for the nine-year-old.

It is all very worrying. 

Do you know how scary it is when the woman who used to throw a slipper at you when you backchatted under your breath after she called you from your bedroom so you could turn the volume up of the television right next to her starts being too friendly?

Do you know how petrifying it is when the woman who responded to any of your enquiries as a child with a “because I am your mother and I say so” now asks for your opinion?

Right, very. I am always trying to figure out whether it’s a trap. Whether, if I actually gave my opinions she will ask me why I am answering back.

But you see, I also can’t not answer back. If she sends me a WhatsApp message at 12pm and I haven’t responded by 4pm, she will call me. “I sent you a message, didn’t you see it?”

I can’t lie that I didn’t because of those blue ticks.

“Sorry mama, I was a bit tied up,” I will say.

“So busy you can’t reply your mother? Is this how I raised you?”

So now I know to respond within 30 minutes even if it’s a smiley face when she sends me a joke I have already read.

Zukiswa 1-Mama 1.

We are now even stevens but I have a niggling feeling that henceforth mama will be winning.

Life was so much simpler in the 90s in the days of landlines and letters at the post office.