Why can’t I climax when I’m with my boyfriend?

A couple share a good moment. Now, I’m in love with my boyfriend so I don’t understand why I can’t orgasm with him. FILE PHOTO | NATION MEDIA GROUP

What you need to know:

  • When it comes to enjoyment, it begins in the mind. Do you have negative thoughts about sex? If you do, get rid of them.

  • You need to feel the part before the orgasm manifests physically. Together with your boyfriend, find out more about foreplay and take your time on it without rushing things.

  • It might also help to reassure your boyfriend that he is good in bed to lift his crushed ego. With time and practice, you will be experts in this.

I am a 24-year-old woman from Molo. I never had sex until my third year of university because my parents are not well-off and are strict, and I did not want to risk getting pregnant before then. Now, I’m in love with my boyfriend so I don’t understand why I can’t orgasm with him.

Could it be because I abstained from sex until I turned 24? There was a time last year when I had erotic dreams, yet what I felt in those dreams was not replicated with my boyfriend.

I don’t want to leave my boyfriend. I have met his parents and he has met mine. I already told him about this problem but it hurt his ego. I feel sad about this and it bothers me.

 

READERS’ ADVICE

It was noble of you to choose to abstain until now and it is not the reason why you are not enjoying intimacy.

When it comes to enjoyment, it begins in the mind. Do you have negative thoughts about sex? If you do, get rid of them.

You need to feel the part before the orgasm manifests physically. Together with your boyfriend, find out more about foreplay and take your time on it without rushing things.

It might also help to reassure your boyfriend that he is good in bed to lift his crushed ego. With time and practice, you will be experts in this. Kithinji Nyaga

 

Perhaps you have a hormonal imbalance, so you need to see a gynaecologist to address this. You are also riddled with guilt about having sex so you should see a counsellor who will help you deal with that and also with the thoughts that you are failure in bedroom matters.

Your boyfriend should be supportive as you try to find solutions to this problem. Calvin Queens

 

You need to stop feeling guilty about having abstained and about having sex. Female orgasm is complicated but it can also be easily achieved by pressing the right buttons. During intimacy, don’t think about how you want to climax; instead, relax and guide your man on doing the things that make you feel pleasure.

Communication is very crucial. If something your man does doesn’t feel good, let him know. Show him what you want him to do and in the end you will get that orgasm.

You have to be aroused and there has to be adequate foreplay. Jane Ndule

 

You are still a novice so don’t expect to start enjoying sex instantly. You probably still experience tension during the act; how do you then expect to enjoy it? Sex begins way before you go to bed. It has to be on your mind hours before you get down to it. Also, teach your boyfriend the things that give you pleasure.

Tell him what he needs to do before, during and after the act. Experiment with positions and discover which one works best for you, relax, take deep breaths, enjoy.

If your boyfriend is doing the right things and you are in the right frame of mind and you take it slow, you will see results. Odhiambo George

 

Sex begins in the mind. Think about those erotic dreams the next time you get intimate with your boyfriend; that will get your mind in the game.

Also remember that you cannot enjoy it if your mind is on exams during the act; you need to cast away such thoughts and enjoy the moment. R.D.M

 

Have you considered that maybe it is your boyfriend who is not skilled in bed? If he doesn’t know how to treat you, then your dream of reaching a climax may never be realised. Search for material that can help you both increase your skill and read and practice together. Alice Ngunjiri

 

There are millions of women who suffer from this problem and there are several causes. Talk to your boyfriend about trying different things that will stimulate pleasure.

Remember that it is estimated that 80 per cent of women worldwide have never had an orgasm through penetration, so you are not alone. Wanjiru Wa Kimani

 

What you are going through is normal, but stop putting pressure on yourself. You are putting too much expectation on yourself and on your boyfriend too early; these things take time. You could also seek guidance from a sex therapist. Oliver Fredrick Omenda

 

Just hold on. You need to learn more about each other and what pleases you. It will get better with time. Janet Mabwai

 

Right now you are still shy and reserved about sex that’s why you can’t enjoy it. Jolly Rhona Ndagire

 

Expert advice

 Maurice Matheka, a relationships counsellor, replies:

Perhaps you are not sexually compatible and that is why you are not enjoying intimacy with him. But your predicament has nothing to do with having abstained from sex till now.

As for the pleasurable erotic dreams, they are triggered by psychological elements which turn on neuro-chemicals that create a rush to your organs and cause you to orgasm in your sleep.

For your partner to give you the same stimulation, he would have to be very skilled between the sheets.

Only you know what arouses you and what your sexual preferences are, and you need to share this information with your boyfriend for a better experience.