Are you an enabler of infidelity?

“He had been unfaithful all along but I chose to ignore that nagging feeling at the back of my head,” says Sarah* in a trembling voice.

Early Saturday morning in June 2009, the other woman in her boyfriend’s life let herself into their house and demanded that he choose who it was he wanted to be with.

A bewildered Sarah looked on in a horrific trance. All her nagging feelings for the past several months now made sense. She says, “I was 29 at the time. We had dated for over three years.

We were planning to settle down, have kids, build a life together, you know? Only to discover he had promised the same to this woman causing a scene in our living room. He completely destroyed me.”

Sarah hasn’t quite healed. She didn’t resolve the emotional turmoil that arose after the discovery. “I will never love that way again,” she says.

So it seemed insensitive when I ask her this question: did you support your boyfriend’s cheating in any way?

Sarah takes a few moments to think it through before she says: “Indirectly, yes. I didn’t react to that nagging feeling. If I had I’d have saved myself some of the pain.”

The sexes in a committed relationship perceive cheating differently – for men, cheating is about sex. For women it is about emotions.

At its core, cheating is about betrayal. Betrayal is what makes it impossible for a woman to ever look at her cheating partner the same way again: that he took something very special to her (emotional and sexual intimacy) and he gave it to another woman.

Cheating stings

Cheating stings the more when everything in the relationship seemed to have been going on perfectly, says Sarah.

As was her case. “We were happy. He didn’t have a reason to cheat on me,” she says. “It caught me by surprise. I never imagined him as a cheater.” A bad relationship presents excuses.

A good relationship puts the woman in a position where she feels that it was her fault it happened: “Am I to blame for it? Was I not submissive enough? Was I careless with my appearance? Did I have far too many headaches to avoid sex?” she asks herself.

A cheating partner raises questions about the woman herself and the role she played in the cheating relationship: By doing nothing about it, did she obliviously support his cheating?

Could she have prevented his cheating? Did she make it easy for him to get away with hurting her as he did?

Wangechi, 30 and single, says, “I wouldn’t call it support. It’s more about tolerating it. How much can she tolerate? If a woman finds out her partner is cheating and does nothing about it, it means she can handle his infidelity.

She is aware of the burden it places on the relationship but it’s a burden she can handle. I believe something must be done, either confront him or offer solutions to work on the relationship,” she says. 

Fiona, 32, a marketer who is engaged to be married, says, “I can’t imagine the turmoil I’d go through if I found out he was cheating. Best to not know at all,” she says. “I don’t think any woman pushes her partner to cheat. Sure, she could punch all his wrong buttons and come off in all the wrong ways. But if you are committed to each other and to the relationship, you are committed to remaining faithful no matter what.”

Lillian, 35-year-old mother of two, says, “No woman should have to go through the harrowing experience of a cheating partner. And yet most do. There is no role women play.

Men are selfish, they want to have it all. And the only way to get it all is to be in more than one relationship at the same time.“Most women these days are liberated and independent,” says Lillian, “a cheating partner will not hold her down in the relationship. She will either walk away from it or stay on to have her own string of affairs.”

Relationship psychologist Shadrack Kirunga says that just because a woman  does nothing about it doesn’t mean she is supporting her partner’s infidelity.

Her silence does not mean consent. “It could mean two things,” he says. “Either, she is the type that believes it was going to happen sooner or later, so she is emotionally prepared for it.

Even so, this knowledge helps her cope with the cheating partner but it still hurts. In this case, yes, her inaction can be seen as aiding the cheating partner.”

Or, she has good reason not to respond in any way. Kirunga continues, “This could include her finances, the kids, family honour, her home’s stability, or the threat of violence. In some cases, the delay is temporary. She’s waiting for certain conditions to come to pass that will allow action, say her becoming financially stable, waiting for the kids to finish school. In this case, it is more of a survival tactic than aiding it.”

Everyone chooses to cheat then give excuses for it, says Kirunga. “But for men, the temptation to cheat is a serious life battle. Fortunately, most of the battle is at the level of the mind and when it is won at that level, it is won at all levels.”

QUIZ

What is your role in a relationship where there is infidelity? Take this quiz to find out

1. You suspect he is unfaithful. Do you…a. Confront him with your suspicions, even if you have no proof? b. Turn a blind eye to his suspicious activity? c. Ignore your gut feeling?

2. Your relationship is going through a rough patch. Do you…a. Share your feelings with him, encourage him to do the same so you fix things? b. Find solace in another more understanding man? c. Sit out the rough patch?

3. He isn’t as available or intimate as he used to be. Do you …a. Point this out to him and demand that he reverts to his old self? b. Respond by being as uncaring and as unavailable as he is? c. Give him space and time to come around?

4. You learn that he has indeed been unfaithful. Do you…a. Demand a tell-all about the affair and suggest couples counselling to mend the relationship? b. Confide and seek comfort in the arms of another man? c. Hear none of it, forgive him then move on?

5. You give your best and your all when you are in a committed relationship. If he cheats, do you…a. Shift the attention to him to find out what he lacks; what his problem is?

b. Say it’s OK because all men cheat anyway? c. Blame yourself, saying that you weren’t enough for him?

Scoring guide

If a majority of your answers are: ‘a’, you are a preventer: you work within your capability and foresight to lower his chances of cheating

‘b’, you are an escaper: you appreciate that he can cheat but you don’t confront this reality. You might both cheat.

‘c’, you are an enabler: you create an environment where he gets away with cheating.