Are you sharing too much?

There’s a popular meme that says that the best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.

Anne, a 26-year-old airline stewardess, believes that relationships should be sacred, and that moment-by-moment sharing makes them lose intimacy. “I have a newly-married friend who’s been going overboard,” she says.

“Once she posted: ‘taking care of my man’ in the morning, accompanied by a picture of the breakfast she’d made.

Then later in the day, she posted a long ‘thank you God for the best man in the world‘ update. She’s my close friend but I’m avoiding hanging out with her because I have a feeling all she’ll talk about is ‘hubby this, hubby that’. I understand she’s in love, but one can’t help but wonder, is there anything else that’s going on with this woman? “

Negative outside energy 

In a year-long relationship herself, Anne says she has learnt that opening your relationship up to the public attracts undue (negative) energy.

“Not everyone will be happy for you. I once posted a picture that my boyfriend and I took while on holiday.

When I tagged him, one of his exes in boxed me and told me something about his past. Luckily he had already told me about ‘this thing’. She sounded scorned and I sensed that she was just trying to sabotage us. Now I keep my timeline completely relationship-free.”

Airing dirty laundry

For 32-year-old Amanda, a spur of the moment over-share and an oversight did more damage to her marriage than she had anticipated.

“One morning my husband had stayed out all night. My first impulse was to go to an online support forum and regurgitate my emotions. I’d been in this forum for long but I only used to post general questions about motherhood.

This time I got very specific; I detailed how he was drinking, cheating and disrespecting me. I overlooked one thing though – my relationship status said ‘married to so and so’”

About a month later, Amanda and her husband reconciled. Then her husband’s sister, who was in the same forum, asked him what was going on (with his marriage).

Confused, he was pointed to the post. “My husband only goes on Facebook for work so when he confronted me, not only was he angry that I had broadcasted our issues to over 40,000 people, but on top of it, everyone knew exactly who he was because of my relationship status.

I know he hasn’t forgiven me because the other day I asked him where he’d been and he told me to ask ‘those online people who seem to know him better that he knows himself’”.

Amanda says she has learnt to step away from online confessionals, especially when she is upset, “not only because I am more likely to over share when I’m emotional, and get advice that does not apply to my situation, but also because when I see all those lovey-dovey posts, I become depressed about my non-perfect one.

It’s easy to forget that everything (online) is not as it seems.”

False invisibility

Dr Annabelle Onyango, a counseling psychologist says intimacy requires immense levels of privacy in order to grow. But when it comes to social media, people tend to be fooled by a false sense of privacy.

“Being in front of a digital machine, as opposed to a real person, seems to give a false invisibility, making it easier to tell-all.”

However, oversharing is not a mask for problems. “It has been found that people who constantly share about their relationships tend to be more satisfied with their partners.

Contrary to cynic perception, they could be genuinely happy. A little bragging, so to speak, is harmless – it shows taking pride in your partner. For example, tagging them on an article they’d find interesting shows that you are thinking about them,” Onyango says.

The bad

 Social media oversharing definitely points to self-esteem issues. “It’s likely that a chronic sharer has their confidence and self-esteem closely tied to the relationship. In this case, over broadcasting happiness could be an effort to validate the relationship (and therefore the individual).”

Because relationship-contingent self-esteem is also closely linked to social anxiety and introversion, it explains why over-sharers are more comfortable using social media (hidden behind the false sense of privacy) while their more extroverted counterparts will tend to talk about their joys and sorrows face-to-face. And people with relationship-contingent self-esteem make unhealthy relationship partners, says Anyango. 

Anyango observes that social media and reality TV may have narrowed the limits of what is appropriate to broadcast to the public.

But one must remember that, “people in reality TV are trying to build a brand and boost popularity. Your relationship is not a brand, neither is it your identity. For a personal relationship, I’d advise one to use common sense and discipline when updating their status.”