When he insists on paying the bill: Chauvinism or chivalry?

The 19th century kind of chivalry where men charged in to rescue women and rode off with them into the sunset has no place in today’s society.

“If you don’t pay for my drink and food, I will not date you,” said an acquaintance last weekend. I was with a group of female friends discussing relationships in general when she made this declaration.  Her argument? Women are fragile beings who should be pampered and taken care of. She called it chivalry. I strongly disagreed and, of course, a heated argument ensued.

I disagree with both the concept of a woman being a fragile thing needing a man’s protection and that a man should pay for all the dates that we go on. Everyone enjoys free drinks, but I don’t think it will hurt if a woman pays for the drinks some of the time.

First, the myth of the fragile womanhood in which women are portrayed as fragile objects in need of a man’s protection is false. It is wrong to think that by being female, you are automatically owed something. Do I want to be treated to surprises and pampering? Yes. But, I also have no problem reciprocating. Being on the receiving or giving end of care isn’t a role automatically assigned according to your gender.

CHIVALRY IS OUTDATED

You may cry chivalry but I don’t think the 19th century kind of chivalry where men stood every time a woman walked into a room or threw their jackets over muddy puddles so women would not soil their shoes when they crossed them has a place in today’s society where gender roles have shifted and both genders are fighting for the same opportunities.

We are forgetting that we are a long way off from the time when a woman’s only access to money was through the man in her life. Then, it was right to stay home, give him babies and your company in exchange for some of his money. The notion of the man being the absolute provider by default is outdated. His insisting on picking up the tab may not be chivalry, it could be chauvinism.

Second, nothing is really free in this world. At least not in today’s dating scene. Any woman who has been wined and dined in the recent past will tell you that it came with unspoken expectations. Not all men want sex from you after lavishing you. Still, it comes with an unspoken expectation that you behave in a particular way. This isn’t because men are evil or manipulative. It is nature. It is social integrity. When you accept a gift, there is the expectation of reciprocation even if not immediately. I would thus be very wary of a man who insists on being the only giver in a relationship.

The third thing that none of us is paying attention to is how many of us turn a blind eye to a man’s other qualities as long as he pays the bills. So ladies, pay up every once in a while. It may leave a little dent on your bank account but it will stop you from being the dormant member of the society.