Dumped by the fiancé I chose over my baby

The year was 2011 when I was in love full of joy and all the wonderful things one experiences when you find that one person who makes your heart skip a beat by the mere mention of their name.

Everyone in the small village of Bondo knew that ours was a relationship set for marriage.

Oceans separating us could not quench the fire of love.

He was living and working in the while I waited for him in Kenya.

No one told me that I should have been wiser when falling in lest I mistake a mirage in the desert for an oasis.

You see my life was a very simple one before love came and shattered all my dreams and fantasies. Bringing me down to earth with a realisation of the huge the difference between fairy tales and reality.

As the second born in a family of six I was blessed to have gone through all my education even with the passing of my dear father when I was 16.

I wanted to study law but because I did not qualify for the course and settled a bachelor’s degree in international business from Makerere University.

After my graduation, I came back home to Kisumu joined Tattoo arts, a youth group that brought together unemployed youths.

In an effort to make a little pocket money we started writing plays and acting them ourselves in schools, social hall and even under trees. We would attract attention to ourselves by staging robberies between ourselves. Curious onlookers attracted by the ruckus would then part with a small fee that saw us take home at least Sh50 from the performances.

GENESIS OF PAIN

Words cannot explain what I felt when my fiancé told me he will be coming to Kenya for two months – and yes he was my fiancé since introductions on both sides had already been made the only thing pending was the celebration of our union.

His home was just a throw stone away from my house and whenever he came to Kenya,  we always stayed together.

It did not take long for me to realize the person I had bid farewell to was not the same one who came back. Arguments and fights became the norm and I could not remember the reason that we were at war all the time – I realized that love was a battlefield that only the tenacious survive.

After two months, he travelled back to the US and that was when I was hit with the realisation that I was pregnant.

It was one of the happiest moments of my life for me as it was proof that love triumphs over all the quarrels and disagreements,  we were still able to create a human being from our love.

Unfortunately my fiancé did not feel the same. When I called to inform him of our him of the pregnancy, his reaction cut me to the quick.

With hurtful words that felt like a cold bullet aimed at my heart, he said I needed to get rid of it.

Rather I had to choose between him and the innocent perfect life I was carrying.

I think I must have been hypnotized by his love that I booked an appointment at the doctors and killed the life that was growing inside me.

He gallantly paid for the expenses but little did I realize that that was just his scheme to cut loose any ties to me.

The procedure marked the beginning of a series of ailments that I had after the abortion. I became a fixture at the infirmary with as many as twice a week visits that I was on first name basis with doctors and nurses. 

With every visit there was a bill to be paid and who else to run to if not the person who made me go through the messy procedure. But it seemed that instead of being the rose I was to him I became the thorn that caused displeasure.

He stopped returning my calls and faded away from life leaving me with bills that I did not know how they would get settled.

I was ashamed of facing my family as I had let them terribly; however I had to request my mother’s and grandmother’s assistance. I also fell into a deep depression closing myself off to the rest of the world. There was a time that I did not want to be closer to children to hear their playful laughter was like torture – I even had to detach myself from my young nieces and nephews.

My sister’s baby boy, a charming, healthy, innocent a bundle of joy became a painful reminder of the choice I made.

NEW BEGINNING

I left my home and only visited my home in Kisumu like a thief arriving in the night and leaving early in the morning to avoid meeting anyone who knew me.

I sought counselling as I from a therapist since I felt like a time bomb ready to explode at any time. My therapist advised me to seek an outlet for my emotions and since I could not speak to anyone, I chose to write down my emotions.

I wrote about the hurt from the rejection and humiliation I had undergone and realised that I had bitterness within me.

With time I realised that being bitter would only make my life miserable and I made a decision to forgive him. This marked the beginning of my healing process.

While I regret that I was not wiser and lost myself and my baby in loving my fiancé, I now know that I must love me .

This experience has been a closed chapter of my life that I never imagined I would ever open up or share with anyone else. And yet I have. Now I minister to children and do a lot of acting and modelling. I hope I will make it big and be an inspiration to others.