This skill will help you to get difficult conversations going

Mexican film director Luis Estrada, who produced the film "The Perfect Dictatorship", speaks during an interview with AFP on September 29, 2014 in Mexico City. An accompanied conversation gets you out of a difficult conversation. It simply means discussing a sensitive issue while doing something else. PHOTO | AFP

What you need to know:

  • Having an accompanied conversation simply means discussing a sensitive issue while doing something else
  • It is not the same as being distracted or deliberately doing something to avoid discussing an issue — it is an activity that is carefully selected to accompany a sensitive discussion that might generate a considerable level of discomfort

I am fond of listening to the BBC, and hardly miss Hard Talk, where the presenters are known to mercilessly tear into their guests.

What I find ironical is that before the blows start flying, the guests are flooded with accolades, the presenters almost going into rapture while reciting their guests’ accomplishments.

I realised that this is a valuable trick if you want to get started on a hard conversation — you will agree with me that we need to have more hard-hitting talks in our relationships because of the serious issues we need to deal with.

Today, I will discuss a skill that I have christened “accompanied conversation”. If you learn it, it will help you to make inroads as you have that hard conversation.
What is it?

ACCOMPANIED CONVERATIONS

Having an accompanied conversation simply means discussing a sensitive issue while doing something else.

It is not the same as being distracted or deliberately doing something to avoid discussing an issue — it is an activity that is carefully selected to accompany a sensitive discussion that might generate a considerable level of discomfort.

According to Terri Orbuch, a counsellor and author in the US, this approach is particularly helpful with men. She explains that men are more likely to be able to communicate easily and effectively when engaged in an activity such as biking or hiking, especially if the topic is difficult.

This is probably because men generally hate to feel cornered and such an activity gives a sense of an open space to which one can mentally escape.

For example, Jack was approached by his former girlfriend, Mary, with whom he had parted ways a few months earlier. They loved each other, but had drifted apart and unfaithful to each other.

Mary wanted a reunion, but realised that Jack was unable to discuss the matter, yet he had expressed the desire to give their relationship a second chance.

With the advice of a counsellor, Mary challenged Jack to a game of chess and by the end of the game, Jack agreed to see a counsellor. Their relationship was restored soon after this.

RESOLVING CONFLICT
Although this approach might prove helpful in initiating those very difficult conversations, it should not be used as the standard mode of resolving conflict.

By its very nature, this kind of conversation does not allow very deep meditation and connection between the couple. Also, as we have mentioned above, it is open-ended, allowing one to “walk away”, which might be helpful at the beginning, but detrimental if used for a long time.

Like in our example above, this approach is best used to break the ice and open the door for the hard talk that issues in relationships usually demand.

Another important factor to note is that this approach addresses itself to the challenge of crisis communication and does not rely on one’s willingness to participate in resolving an issue.

In other words, this tactic is only helpful when the challenge is how deal with an issue or, to be more specific, how to begin addressing it.

I raise this because there are many instances where an individual is clearly not interested in dealing with an issue. In such a case, a totally different approach is required.

Should you consider this approach, select the activity carefully and ensure that it is something your spouse would enjoy doing. To be on the safe side, consult your spouse.

It might be something that both of you enjoy, but if you really want to get through to your partner, you should be willing to go out of your way to do it if your spouse enjoys it.

I hope this adds to your list of options when faced with the inevitable “elephant in the room” situation.