I betrayed my husband and now I am pregnant; what should I do?

I am pregnant with another man’s child

I am a frequent reader of your column and love the work you are doing.

I am 28 and have been married for two years. My husband cheated on me six months after we got married when I was three months pregnant. I was so stressed because I loved and trusted him that, unfortunately, I lost the baby. Since then, I can no longer trust him.

At the beginning of this year, I got a new posting at my workplace and met a colleague who was a close friend. We attended work-related meetings and seminars together and with time, we got attracted to each another. Three months ago, we attended a two-week seminar in Mombasa together. While there we made love and had fun. The problem is that I got pregnant, yet he is also married.

Do I tell him? He suspects something and I have been avoiding him since I realised that I was pregnant. I am confused because I love him.
EK

Hi,
There is no doubt that what your husband did was not right, but your actions are no different. You are two married people in an adulterous relationship. As much as you say that you love your husband, I would like to remind you that the pain you felt and tried to run away from when you were betrayed is the same one you have caused another innocent woman who was struggling with her relationship.

Your husband is not responsible for your pregnancy. Whether or not you disclose this to him or to your lover, your infidelity will remain a sore point in your life.

The best way to deal with it is: First, discontinue your relationship with your lover so that he can take time to heal his marriage. Second, confess what you did to your husband. He has a right to know that you are carrying a child who is not his.

Even as you do this, you should remember that the truth hurts. Once you have brought everything out in the open, the two of you will have to deal with the consequences.

The reality is that, though pleasurable, sin is messy and can ruin what was initially good. “The clock starts ticking on the end of a marriage as soon as one spouse puts the problems out in the open,” says psychologist Bryce Kaye in The Marriage First Aid Kit. “The more time that passes after that without any effort made, the lower the odds are that you’ll stay together.”

If you fail to confront this issue together and instead sweep it under the carpet, there will be a feeling of insecurity, anger, disillusionment, fear, and lack of joy and fulfilment. It is evident that when a couple fails to confess and resolve an issue like this one, with time, it leads to pain and a failed relationship.

If not, the relationship remains in a hopeless state. If you get into the habit of ignoring what hurts and concerns you and your husband, it will cause more damage.

Time has a way of allowing healing to take place if a couple truly shares their hurts, painful issues, and even difficult issues. It is not easy, but it sets you free. I encourage you to walk in freedom without fear.

She changed so fast it left me wounded

Hello Mr Kitoto,

I completed my university studies recently. While at the university, I had a girlfriend whom I truly adored. However, four months ago and without warning, she broke off the relationship via text message, claiming that she had decided to end the relationship much earlier but thought that was the right time to inform me.

That has hurt me terribly because we had been together just a week earlier and she had acted as if everything was fine. I was scheduled to attend an interview the following day which, miraculously, I passed. However, I am still bleeding inside and I cannot even enjoy my work.

We had dated for three years and I was always true to her. We had shared and discussed many things and even our parents were aware of our relationship, which our friends considered to be a model one.  

I feel betrayed and periodically sink into self-pity and depression during which I isolate myself, feeling useless and hopeless. I am still shocked and confused and have not been able to share my pain with anybody else. I am turning to you because I am an emotional wreck. Please help.

Nyangis

Hi,
When a relationship ends, we go through a phase of grieving for the former partner. The depth of this grief depends on how serious the relationship was. Of course, three years is a long time, particularly if you had introduced her to your parents and siblings. The other thing is the pain you are going through as a man.

Normally, it is men who end the relationship, so women a woman tells a man, “Sorry, we can’t see each other any more,” it hurts him very much because it bruises his ego. We tend to feel as if we drive our relationships and hold the key to how they should go.

You can manage the shock by seeing yourself in the light of who you believe you are and have been to her. Certainly, you will feel betrayed and end up feeling confused sometimes. However, look at this fallout from a positive angle that says: First, you did your best to be good to her. Second, she has a right to choose whoever she wants to spend her life with. Third, you are still young and will find someone else to love.

It could be that she has saved you from a broken marriage in future. Look at this as an opportunity to rethink, refresh, and start anew. You could just end up walking into a great future if you make the right choices from here.

However, many have ended up walking into compromising relationships as a result of not learning from the past and walking blindly into the future. Take time to heal and regroup. Ask yourself what you would like to avoid in the future.

I love her, but she’s someone else’s

Dear Mr Kitoto,
I am one of your ardent readers. I am a 27-year-old, born-again man of God. It is almost two years since I was in a serious relationship. This is by choice, and also because I surrendered my life to Christ at the beginning of this year. This has made it difficult to find anyone genuine or compatible. I recently met a colleague and we have been chatting and calling each other. I believe she has the qualities I want in a woman.

However, she has been in a long-distance relationship for two years. She lives in Mombasa while I am based in Nairobi. From our communication, she seems ready to move to Nairobi. It is confusing since she does not have a reason to leave her boyfriend and as a man of God, I do not want to be the reason for their breaking up.

I am also finding it difficult to let her go since I feel that she is the right one for me. Kindly advise.

Philip

Hi,
Congratulations on your journey of faith. I am sure it has brought you to a place where you see things differently and that is why you find most of the women you meet unsuitable.
As far as this woman is concerned, be sure about her level of commitment. She has the choice of walking out of her relationship, but you should not be the reason. Ask her to sort out this before you make any commitment to her. If she does it right, you will be able to test her commitment to building a relationship with you.

She has children; should I marry her?

Hi,

There is this girl who is madly in love with me and says she wants to be with me, but the problem is that she has two children. Should I let her into my world?

Hi,
It depends on what you are looking for. For instance, what kind of wife are you looking for? This is where you begin to look at her values and qualities. It is not wrong to marry a woman with a child, so you should deal with issues of her character and then decide whether you are ready to be a father to her children.
You need to convince yourself that she is worth considering. If you marry a single parent, there is always the added responsibility of her child(ren). There is no way you can have one without the other, otherwise you tear the family apart and the ones left behind feel abandoned.

What to do when cheating threatens to end your cherished relationship

Confront secrecy: The first thing is to ask whether you have noticed anything unusual. For instance, has your partner suddenly become secretive and defensive with their private stuff? If they have, then something is not right. Have you noticed a new way of dressing that is a complete departure from the norm, or perhaps the use of perfume that is suggestive?

People who cheat tend to lie, guard their mobile phones, have a ready answer and reason for everything, take calls in secret, and do not tell the whole truth when confronted about issues.

With time, cheating spouses start living double lives. So, when you ask for accountability, pay keen attention to what level your partner reveals information about themselves, use of their time, or even new habits. Their chasing after two worlds often leads to lack of clarity on many issues. As a result, the issues you discuss remain cloudy.

When there is a clear and deliberate departure from the norm, there is a need to take serious measures to involve other forms of accountability to find out the reason for the departure and detachment. Such discussions require genuineness in communication and a readiness to be open with each other. If your partner suddenly becomes defensive, particularly when questioned about certain inconsistencies, remain firm and deal with one issue at a time.

Disclosure has consequences: What happens when the truth finally comes out? Disclosure is both difficult and painful. When seeking disclosure with regard to cheating, brace yourself for the result(s). For example, are you seeking disclosure so that you can help bring healing or are you waiting for your worst nightmare, clueless as to how you will deal with your emotions? Some spouses end up worse off, with no idea how to bring peace and healing. Others might take off, only to become worse than the cheating partner. Always try to evaluate fairly what might have gone wrong and what you could have done differently to avoid the affair.

A marriage where one or both spouses have cheated several times remains susceptible to being repeatedly caught in the same mess unless they deal with the issues and seek accountability. An unfaithful partner who is willing to stop the habit and actually follows through to heal the relationship is more likely be genuinely responsible and accountable to the relationship.

A partner who regularly fumbles, continues to give excuses regarding their whereabouts while giving conflicting stories to cover their tracks will find it difficult to maintain such a life.

Deal with insincerity: Do you see dishonesty creeping into the relationship? Dishonesty is painful. However, it is how we deal with a lie that matters. To avoid the risk of feeling cheated, spouses must embrace full disclosure followed by the desire to focus on being the ones who makes a difference. Being withdrawn and uninterested in what is going only hurts you more.

Confront selfishness: Cheating can make a spouse who was once generous suddenly become selfish and uncaring. We must learn to deal with this selfishness, as well as with the offended party.

A person who is both totally self-involved and uncaring about others is not likely to be very responsive to you, unless you meet their needs. We have to work hard regarding the feelings and concerns of our partners even though they have hurt us.

However, when your partner lies and cheats on you, then he/she focuses on one thing — satisfying the self. We must remember that it is hard to see your partner become someone you do not know as a result of selfishness.

When people in a relationship become idealistic by making impractical and unworkable demands, they open a door to unfulfilled demands. Indeed, it is impractical and unfair to place on each other demands that we ourselves would not be able to fulfil if we were in our partner’s shoes. Such demands threaten a relationship.

Unfaithfulness: First look at the values your partner holds. Second, consider their past and present disposition in regard to faithful behaviour. For example, do you see faithfulness or consistent behaviour in their conduct in the following areas:

1) Finances: This is a couple’s ability to develop financial intimacy. A couple does this by (a) observing their planning and spending habits, (b) making honest, respectable comments on financial habits and practices noticed, (c) making allowances for the different styles of dealing with finances. The last thing a partner wants to feel is betrayed or cheated, (d) developing a joint strategy on finances.

2) Emotional: This is a couple’s ability to understand, empathise, and stand with each other during trying and fun moments. Emotional unfaithfulness can lead to infidelity. Many have opted for extramarital sex and had their fingers burnt. What would have been a great marriage ends up in divorce or the contraction of a disease.

3) Physical: This involves a couple’s ability to stand by each other in good and bad times. It is evidenced by their desire to protect each other from hostile in-laws, siblings, and other intruders.