Is your man e-tethering you?

You met this man several weeks ago. He was charming and attentive and right from the onset, all indications of interest were there. PHOTO| FILE| NATION MEDIA GROUP

What you need to know:

  • To a man, e-tethering is about keeping a woman engaged with phone calls while keeping his options open.

  • Technology can be a great romantic tool but if it is the only form of contact that you and your man have, then you are a victim of e-tethering.

You met this man several weeks ago. He was charming and attentive and right from the onset, all indications of interest were there.

He has kept frequent contact electronically. He will text you at random hours to tell you that he misses you, he will text to tell you that he wishes you were there when he is out with the boys and when he went to visit his mother last month, he sent you pictures of her kitchen garden.

From where you stand, you have something really good going. He is, however, busy and it can take weeks between face to face interactions.

Or maybe he gives you little bursts of attention. He sporadically texts and keep tabs on you on social media.

When he does, he makes sure to address you by name and ask how you are doing. He clearly cares about you and he makes you feel connected.

Whenever you talk, there are plans to meet but he doesn’t seem to make any efforts to make these dates real.

If you have found yourself in any of these scenarios and you think that this man is into you because he is in touch every waking moment, you should think again.

While flowers and other chivalrous gestures have been replaced by romantic gestures through technology, if the only form of contact that you and your man have is electronic, then you are a victim of e-tethering.

What you have going is something more than a friendship but less than a relationship.

Also known as e-maintenance, it is the latest scam in the romantic relationships. A man will maintain contact purely through technology and the woman will interpret the constant contact to mean that he is sharing his life with her.

The reality however is that this is a faux relationship only present in the woman’s head. The man will string her along electronically, pursuing intimacy from time to time but avoiding making any commitments.

Interestingly, when he communicates, his messages are hardly ever sexual. Why then does a man feel the need to electronically maintain a woman? I ask Samson, a 31-year-old model. Samson admits to have tethered a woman electronically. Why does he do it?

String along many women

“Because you can string along many women at the same time,” he says.

Samson explains that he isn’t ready for a serious commitment at the moment. Sending out regular WhatsApp messages to a couple of women keeps them around so that he has options.

He will start the ‘relationship’ by actually dating the woman. After the first date, virtual communication keeps the relations going.

James, a 35-year-old programmer blames the female folk for this increasingly common phenomenon. In his view, the ladies are selling themselves short by allowing the men to keep them hooked with the least amount of effort.

“If a man texts you every other day and you are satisfied by that, why should he feel the need to do anything else?”

To a man, he says, e-tethering is about keeping a woman satisfied, calm and engaged with the occasional phone call while he keeps his options open.

He doesn’t see potential in a relationship but he wants to keep the woman around just in case.

“It’s like the way you would put an item that you have no immediate use for on a string so that you don’t lose it,” he explains.

Psychotherapist Ida Too partly agrees with James that the reason this behaviour is growing is because women are allowing it.

She terms e-tethering as emotional manipulation which is more likely to come from a man because unlike women, men have learnt to pigeonhole their emotions.

Women thrive on attention and this is usually the bait in this situation. A man will offer this hoping to maintain the relationship for a payoff in the future.

The woman who receives the text messages, emails and social media interaction will be tricked into imagining an intimacy that isn’t there.

Since the man isn’t invested in the relationship enough to make concrete plans with you, he resorts to the most hassle-free form of contact which will require him to invest minimal time or emotions.

 When he wants the payoff, which usually will be sexual, the constant contact will have her thinking that he doesn’t call only when he wants sex and she might even think up reasons to justify why she can’t see him often.

“If a man wants you, he will make an effort,” says Ida, the psychotherapist.

Her advice to a woman that finds herself in this situation is to change the rules. Set clear expectations and insist on being treated seriously.

“For instance, you can say that you are not interested in the back and forth text messaging if you two can’t meet in person. If he ignores your request for face time, cut him off.

Do not be willing to give more than he is,” she says.

Are you being E-maintained?

Questions to ask yourself:

 • Is technology his only way of staying in touch? Yes? Pay attention.

• How is your communication pattern? If he is e-tethering you, he will usually contact you to tell you how he is doing but never to plan for the next date.

• Do his actions match his words? When he promises to take you out on a date does he follow up?

• Deep down do you have doubts about his feelings? If your gut feeling is unsure, maybe this is a faux relationship. In a real relationship you shouldn’t have to wonder whether it is a real relationship or not.

• Sadly, sometimes a woman can only see that she is being e-tethered when she gets in an actual relationship and feels the difference.