Love or lust? It is all about the chemistry

Love’s wonderful but very complicated. What we call love at the start of dating’s really just lust and romance — far different from the calm and commitment of a long-term attachment, that’s solid enough to raise children.

What you need to know:

  • Lust’s all about pleasure and satisfaction — any partner would do! And while romantic love starts us homing in on a particular mate, it’s also highly unstable and obsessive
  • And it may sound horribly unromantic, but love’s actually a process, driven by the brain’s reward systems. It needs to be or you wouldn’t make all that effort!
  • So if you’re with someone who loves you, they’ll be helpful, supportive and encouraging. While lust just wants to be satisfied, demands all your attention and gets jealous, possessive and controlling

Love’s wonderful but very complicated. What we call love at the start of dating’s really just lust and romance — far different from the calm and commitment of a long-term attachment, that’s solid enough to raise children.

Lust’s all about pleasure and satisfaction — any partner would do! And while romantic love starts us homing in on a particular mate, it’s also highly unstable and obsessive.

Lust and romance drive us to check out lots of potential mates before choosing one for the long term. Which is why it’s possible to hold feelings for more than one person at a time with disastrous results of course! Sadly, our bodies are not programmed to be happy, but to reproduce.

LOVE IS A PROCESS

And it may sound horribly unromantic, but love’s actually a process, driven by the brain’s reward systems. It needs to be or you wouldn’t make all that effort!

Think about it. If sex wasn’t so nice, you’d probably decide chasing after a partner was all too much trouble! Instead, your brain’s reward centres are programmed to drive your need for romance and lust with a whole blast of highly addictive hormones.

So if you find yourself declaring undying love within minutes of meeting someone, then you can be pretty sure you’re not feeling a long-term attachment.

It’s just your reward circuits in overdrive. That’s because sexual attraction’s a huge part of dating. But it’s not love.

And getting the two confused can lead to all sorts of problems. So how do you tell the difference?
DIFFERENCES
It all starts with timing — and looks. Assume that what’s going on is lust if your new guy’s highly masculine — square jaw, prominent brow, large nose — full of steely determination and confidence, and you’re within the few days of the month when you’re fertile.

That’s when a female’s desire matches a male’s, and when you’re most likely to fantasise about sex, to take the lead, wear provocative clothes and head for the singles bars.

And be careful when your guy’s mood matches yours — because men do some strange things when they’re turned on.

They’re much more into women’s shoes, women’s sweat, sexing up someone they hate and spanking. And get funny about slipping on a condom. After that, it is all down to behaviour.

So if you’re with someone who loves you, they’ll be helpful, supportive and encouraging. While lust just wants to be satisfied, demands all your attention and gets jealous, possessive and controlling.

And is obsessed with the physical. Deep, meaningful conversations can wait.

ABOUT CHEMISTRY

Love also takes time the soaps have been lying to us all these years. You can’t love someone you don’t know. While lust just doesn’t notice their faults.

OK, cultural and social factors are also important, but at rock bottom, love, in all its glory, is all about chemistry. And those hormones can be very persuasive.

So always ask yourself whether it’s love or lust you’re feeling, before you make any decisions.