Manly peek into the goings-on of a bridal shower

I was once invited for a bridal shower to give a talk. After fielding various questions it was time to go, but just before I left, this male stripper checked in.

I wasn’t supposed to see this, but I saw him strip and do this ridiculous dance for the squealing women. He was there, wearing leather and this ridiculous underwear that had his phallus all out and I thought to myself, “Wow, brothers really chase paper in many ways in this town!” I wondered how many of these events he performs at.

How does he manage to get (and maintain) an erection before all those women, and walk around threatening to impale them with his member?

I wondered how much he takes home and if he has a steady girlfriend, and whether she knows what he does for a living.

What does his business card read? I particularly wondered what it means for him to have a bad day at work.

Anyway, before this stripper checked in, I sat in this house, before a number of women in various stages of inebriation and fielded questions about men. It was raining outside.

Wet night. But the house was warm, plus they had heeded my request and bought me my favourite whisky - because really, it’s hard to sit before a crowd like that stone sober and make any sense of your thoughts.

They were career women, 28 years plus, a mixture of married and single, and of course in “complicated” relationships.

Progesterone was so abundant, it spilled out under doorways. Thankfully, it wasn’t my first one, so I knew how that cookie would crumble.

Questions, questions...

Basically my session involved being asked questions about men; non-threatening but multi-layered questions: I have been living with this guy for two years, he used to talk about a wedding but he has stopped, was moving in a bad idea? Why do men cheat? My boyfriend doesn’t spend his money on me; I’m always paying bills, what should I do?

His sisters don’t seem to like me, always picking on me, yet he never comes to my defence, what’s up with that?

Why are you men so selfish, Biko? What is it with men and women’s asses? Should I be offended when he keeps ogling other women while we are together?

I keep meeting very possessive men, is it a vibe I give? Why is sex so important to you guys? Why can’t men be like Christian Gray of Fifty Shades of Grey? (rolls eyes). Many questions like that.

The only beauty is that there is never a wrong or right answer.

What you learn very quickly is that women don’t ask questions they don’t know answers to.

They will pose a question but even before they finish asking, you can hear the answer between their lines. They know what they need to do, but half the time they just don’t seem to have the will to do it.

Also, when you sit in the room long enough, you will always figure out the matriarch of the group.

That’s the woman who “leads” the pack. She  doesn’t even have to be loud or brash or commanding. She could be the silent one who sits and observes, but you can tell the room tilts towards her because when she speaks, very few oppose her openly. Then there is the crazy one, the heart of a party; she just doesn’t give a damn. She probably doesn’t drink at all but has the energy of a panther - or drinks a lot and has the energy of a drunken panther. And she is fun.

At one of the sessions I attended, one of these  blatantly asked me if I was circumcised and why “our” people don’t circumcise.

The whole group tried to shut her down, embarrassed on her behalf, but she stuck her oars in, asking me if I was “too shy” to answer.

Other people would call that sexual harassment. Thankfully, I’m not ‘other people’. I liked her, mostly because she was unapologetic.

The major lesson you glean from a group of women in a room is that women truly deserve the men they end up with. If you are with a drunk; you deserve him.

If you are with a man who can’t keep a job and you house him and he steals from your purse and rams your car, you deserve him.

If you are with a psychopath who stalks you and puts tabs on you, and camps outside your salon as you finish your hair, you deserve him.

This is because most women love to excuse our shortcomings, our weird tendencies and it only fuels the fire.

Listening to this plethora of conundrums made me realise how we have it easy as men, how most women have seriously lowered the bar for us and how we don’t have to exert ourselves too much.

It’s heart-breaking and saddening, especially if you have a daughter.