Dear women, please dress the part when you come to bed

Dear women, is it asking for too much for you to come to bed in something that doesn’t look like you are casting for a role in Afrocinema?

Are we being very demanding and insensitive to expect you to at least wear something flattering to bed? We understand that you are a working woman; that you spend the whole day in meetings, chasing the shilling, or driving around seeing obstinate clients and putting out fires, and that when the day comes to a close you are too exhausted to think of being sexy.

But surely if Mr Man were spending over at yours, or you at his, would it kill you to make an effort to slip into something that shows a nipple?

Even if you have known him for years and he, apparently, has “seen everything”?

It’s even worse if you are married and you have kids and you have to sort out homework and things - after you are done chewing the help’s head on why the cooking gas is finished so soon again. Yes, you have a lot on your plate at work and at home, but come on, you don’t have to wear something that reads “KRA: Kulipa ushuru ni Kujitegemea.” That can’t be sexy even if translated in English.

We also understand that maybe you were raised as a strict Catholic and maybe you might frown at some things that your orientation might dismiss as unchurchly, but I think the church will agree that the temple of God, that he made in his own image and likeness, should be treated and clothed in a manner that celebrates this handiwork.

I suspect God takes great pride in women who take time (especially during bedtime) to accentuate God’s craft. Because there is nothing half as dreadful as a woman jumping in bed in something that looks like a tracksuit. Wait, actually, there is; a woman in a very old tracksuit takes the biscuit. 

Nobody expects you to be sexy or alluring on a daily basis. It’s impractical and unrealistic.

What we ask for is that you make an effort not to look like you have given up on yourself and on us.

So if you have to tie up your hair, please tie it up with something that doesn’t remind us of our moms. Also, it doesn’t help the sexy mood if you keep humming a gospel tune as you spruce up the bed.

Not that anybody minds gospel songs; gospel songs are actually great. We love to praise and worship, but to hear it hummed under your breath like that as you spruce up the pillows and tuck in the sheets, doesn’t quite inspire romance. We are even afraid that you will ask us to kneel besides the bed for a small prayer before anything happens, if anything will happen.

Also, it would help if women didn’t spend an hour cleaning their faces up at night, using God knows cotton wool, toners, creams, moisturisers, and cucumbers and avocados, while you try not to fall asleep by burning time reading an old magazine. Often this ritual can take so long that we decide it’s more fun to join you in humming that gospel tune. (We might as well).

I don’t know what most men feel about this, but there are these ugly knickers that some women insist on wearing to bed because apparently they are “very comfortable.”

I don’t know if they are made from Egyptian cotton but those panties are ugly. Most have weird colours, like animal print. It’s like climbing into bed with a zebra.

 Nothing is everything

Most are often old because they are the “favourite” panties for sleeping in given their comfort and women swear by them.

We admire the loyalty but it’s hard to love something like that; in fact it looks downright comical because they make you look like you are preparing to walk on a tight rope in a circus.

Ladies, bedtime is closure time. For those married or living together or those spending over at a boyfriend’s it means a time to shed off the dregs of the day and stand before the dying day with as much grace as possible.

And because we – men – are visual, we want to see and appreciate this moment in a non-sexual or sexual manner.

You don’t even have to go the whole nine-yards of sexy lingerie, high-heels and a magician’s hat (don’t judge me, please) but at least slip into something understated, something flattering and something that is easy on the eye.

Like some black light shorts, or a laced short; or a small skimpy top with a bunny on it, or of a fruit, like an apple, which is symbolic if you think about it. No bras for crying out loud! But if all this is some trouble and hard work that you can’t just be bothered to engage in (because you have a headache anyway), then how about having nothing on because nothing is actually everything.