Should we rethink traditional wife-husband roles?

The role of the sexes is one of those aspects of relationships that have remained open to debate for a long time.

While the roles in a blossoming relationship may not be very clear-cut, the beauty about marriage is that it neatly defines the roles of husband and wife.

But first, what are these roles of the man and woman we speak of? According to the book Secrets of Fascinating Womanhood by Helen Andelin, “The (broad and traditional) role of the woman is to be a companion to her husband, a mother to their children and a homemaker.

The role of the man is to lead the family, protect it and provide for it.”

And second, who defined these roles in the first place? Well, science tells us that we are biologically wired to perform these roles, even without being told or taught to do so.

Compared to men, women are more gentle, uncompetitive, intuitive and emotional. Nurturer versus leader traits. It all dates back to our caveman days.

Through the years, society has defined these roles to the point that they are synonymous with the sexes – he brings the bread, she bakes it. It is the way of the world.

Empowered woman

Psychologists tell us that the couple finds their individual identity when they express themselves in these roles. These roles are who you are.

Mildred who has been married for twelve years, with four children says, “I am a woman and a wife because I can bear kids; he is a man because he can provide for me and the kids.”

However, the empowered woman has started to challenge these traditional roles.

“Imagine this: we are both tired from a long day at the office, and he expects me to head straight to the kitchen to prepare him a meal while he relaxes on the sofa watching TV? No way am I going to let that happen!” says Theresa, a single 32-year-old department head at a local bank in Nairobi.

The modern woman walks around with the notion that the homemaker and provider roles can be shared between her and her man.

Or switched altogether. But what she doesn’t understand, is that the traditional roles play a greater role in the overall satisfaction of the marriage than she dares to accept.

'Less happiness, less sex'

Research conducted by the University of Washington in 2013 showed that couples who take up their traditional roles in marriages are generally happier in and with the marriage, compared to those who strive for the contemporary ‘equality’ in marriage.

The egalitarian marriage – one where the couple perceives themselves to be equal and take on equal roles in the household, especially in domestic chores – reported less happiness and less frequent sex.

“Couples who follow traditional gender roles around the house – wives doing the cooking, cleaning and shopping; men paying the bills and maintaining the cars – reported greater sexual frequency than those who share the household duties with their husbands equally,” says the research paper.

But the findings of this research shouldn’t be interpreted as an excuse for husbands not to help with housework.

Anita – 29 and married for three years, with no kids – says, “Running the household is a heavy workload. And with the demands of the workplace, it’s heavier for wives and mothers today. It is unfair for my husband to expect me to run our home as his mother did theirs back then. Hiring help therefore goes without saying. “Moreover, marriage is a partnership. Where he sees me struggling, he steps in to assist.

So on some days, I’ll cook and he does the dishes. I’ll support us financially if he is ever unable to.”

The research continues to say that men who refuse to help around the house introduce unnecessary strain and conflict into the marriage. It lowers the wife’s overall satisfaction.

Which is true, says Anita. “Housework can get tiring. And it can sometimes make you feel unloved, unappreciated and unsupported.”

Attitude change

The traditional gender roles won’t change drastically. What needs to change is the attitude women have towards performing their roles.  Men (unlike women) fiercely protect their roles – your partner won’t trade his providing role for your housekeeping one.

Thomas, 37 and married for six years with two kids, says, “It doesn’t matter if she earns much more than I do, it is my duty to provide. If I can’t provide for her and the kids, then what am I there for?”

Thomas adds that the sooner a woman embraces her roles, the better it is for the household and for the marriage.

“These roles are duties, not choices. There is no payoff for performing them. You do them and do them well because it is your duty to, he says.

According to relationship psychologist Dr Chris Hart, couples are at their best when they both have a sense of contributing to the household.

And not necessarily through a split right down the middle of their traditional roles.

 “The right balance needs to be found to make it work right.” Dr Hart gives the example of housework, “Say, when a couple shares domestic roles equally or when one feels they are contributing more than the other is, it brings disharmony into the marriage.”

Finding this balance varies from couple to couple. But it is one that can be negotiated with an open-mind, says Dr Hart.