The problem with choosing to settle for any man

Thirty-two-year-old Wambui got engaged in early March. She and her fiancé had had an on-and-off relationship for over seven years.

They had said their goodbyes on several occasions. And had both got into exclusive committed relationships with other people. Wambui seemed happier then.

It wasn’t until mid last year that Wambui traipsed back into his life, telling him that she wanted him back. Her now-fiancé abandoned the woman he was seeing for Wambui.

No questions asked. Wambui argues that she has done her share of dirty deeds, tasted the world, found herself and is now ready to settle down. “I’ve made my decision,” she tells her friends who worry she is settling for him, “he is the one I want to marry.”

Settling is easy. It’s easier than hopping about the dating scene searching for the right man.

What isn’t easy is whether you have it in you to run the lengthy miles of such a marriage. Looking at women like Wambui begs the questions: are you prepared to shoulder the consequences of your decision to settle?

Relationship counsellor Shadrack Kirunga considers the levels of comfort and the hope of survival when analysing such relationships.

How happy you are determines whether you are willing to give yourselves a chance to survive the stormy times.

Based on research and women we spoke to, we put together four scenarios of why women settle, and what could go wrong in the future.

Scenario one: You feel the pressure from family and friends around you. They want to see you married with a family, so you settle in response to their pressure

What could go wrong: You will marry the guy who’s right in front of you at that time. The few wants and needs he does meet will be sufficient to give yourself the go-ahead to be with him.

You essentially forget your standards. Marriage comes first, you last. Once the pressure has subsided years into the marriage, you are left with the reality of your coerced choice.

The only thing that pushed you into the arms of this man was the temporary outward pressure, not your thought-out innate standards for a life partner.

Marriage is underwhelming. You feel shortchanged. And alone. Some of his personal traits annoy the hell out of you. Your levels of comfort are low.

It’s easy for you to cheat. You feel you are finally doing something for yourself, not for others. You cheat with a man who bears the standards you always desired.

A man so different from your husband. One whom you take the time to reveal your true self to. Your marriage starts to break-down, and you make no effort to save it.

Scenario two: You are at a point in your life where you crave the support of a companion for financial or emotional reasons. You are scared to be alone. You need a man as a crutch.

What could go wrong: The crutch-phase is a passing one. Once it’s over, you will internally despise your husband for being such a wuss and settling with you despite the obvious fact that you were using him.

You will not respect him. You take his providing for granted.

You will be on the hunt for a man who embodies the strength you feel your husband lacks. One who challenges you beyond your present financial or emotional needs. One who isn’t so darn soft. You will hunt for a man who doesn’t find relevance simply from fulfilling your needs. The hopes of the relationship surviving are low.

The tables could also turn and he leaves you instead; something you didn’t see coming. He gets tired of being used. So he leaves you for a woman who loves the real him. One who is willing to also support him and his needs. This man you settled with breaks your heart and leaves you in shock.

Scenario three: You love the relationship, not the man. The relationship runs seamlessly and noiselessly, like a refined machine.

Put another man in your husband’s shoes with the same mechanics of your current relationship, and it will still work. There are very little sparks of passion between the two of you. You are not in love with your husband.

What could go wrong: Routines and timetables are the lifeline of your relationship.

our relationship is about the practicality – your conversations, your sex, your romantic getaways, your future plans, your arguments, how you fix your problems.

The question you ask yourself is, how best can we tweak a certain cog and nut of the relationship to accommodate what we want now?

The routines and mechanics will eventually bore you out of your eyeballs. You won’t enjoy being married. You are a woman who needs steamy love and wild romance, not an engineer who needs a manual to run a machine.

You need spontaneity. You need fun.You will both cheat, probably with people who lack order, plan or priority. You will be drawn to their recklessness and how they chomp away at life with a big spoon.

An exciting, youthful side of you will burst forth. One you didn’t know exists. It is from them you realise what your relationship lacks. But, you respect each other too much to consider leaving the relationship for this other fun person.

You have a high chance to make this work into old age.

Scenario four: You are ageing, fast. Romance and all that fluff about love are the stuff of your younger days. You want babies. And you want a man who you will give you these babies, fast. Forget everything else he has to offer (or not offer)

What could go wrong: He will cheat. He will find a woman on the side who wants more from him than his sperm and his ability to build a home.

But you will do nothing about it because your desires for this marriage were met the moment you popped those babies, one after the other.

You will get lonely sometimes. You will miss him. You will want to also be loved as a woman, not as a mother. The hopes of your relationship surviving are low.

But, you love your babies and you love your home; so what if you don’t love him?

You could soon become a co-wife to the woman he cheats on you with. Or you were already wife-number-two to begin with.