Will he support your dreams?

As a woman, your decision to pursue your passion is a personal and sometimes selfish one.

It doesn’t matter if this passion is in your career, a business venture, a hobby you want to turn into a money-maker for the household. But it’s what you want for yourself.

And you will need the emotional, financial and motivational support of your partner to take the scary plunge to pursue that passion.

When you are dating or in a relationship, it is crucial you determine whether your partner will support you – now or later in the future – when you want to pursue this passion. Women grow. They evolve. Your wants and needs change as time goes. You need to know your partner will adapt accordingly.

Miriam, 32 and dating, wanted to quit her job as an IT consultant to pursue her passion in dressmaking but her boyfriend of six years would not support her decision. Miriam was appalled.

Was there something about him she missed?

Red flags

Well, there are a few ‘signs’ women can look out for to establish whether their partner will support them in pursuing their passion or not.

These subtle signs lie in his character, his behaviour and his personality type. Be on the lookout for them as they will influence his decision to not support you.

If he wants you as a homemaker, a child-bearer or a care-giver, it is unlikely he will support you in a career or business that pulls you away from performing these duties.

The same applies to men who are possessive or controlling, because supporting you means more freedom to you and less control over you.

An insecure man will feel threatened if pursuing your passion means you make more money than he does or if you are independent because you will need him less and less, says relationship expert Shadrack Kirunga. The jealous man will be wary of supporting you if it means partnering or engaging with other men, clients or otherwise.

The unambitious man won’t support you because he lacks your foresight and vision. Your ambition threatens him. No man likes to be threatened.

The lazy man who lacks personal drive won’t support you either because it means more demands of his time, energy and commitment.

The man with a skinny bank account won’t support you because he doesn’t have the financial muscle to nudge your passion off the ground, or manage the household in the years you are pursuing your passion with no monetary returns to it.

The traditional type of man who wants to always take up the position of provider and protector of the relationship won’t support you because it compromises this position, a position he draws his masculinity from.

The selfish man (which is a majority of men) won’t support you because he is putting his own business or career aspirations before yours. You will jump when he says jump, not the other way around.

But what if he does not exhibit these ‘signs’ yet he still does not support you?

“Take time to examine the root of his non-support,” says Kirunga. The root of it may lie in the practicality itself of the passion you want to pursue. He is playing the devil’s advocate.

Drain and strain

 “Start with why you are pursuing your passion in the first place,” Kirunga says.

“Why are you setting up your business? Or, why are you pursuing that line of career? What are you looking to find that you don’t have now? The ‘why’ question is important to your man so that it is not seen as an affront. He needs to feel that he has been fully consulted and involved in the decision-making, so you need to be able to answer the ‘why’ questions he asks.”

Maybe your business idea has a lower rate of success in the industry compared to others.

Maybe it has no potential to make the household any extra money, maybe all it is doing is making you tire, even if happy.

And there is a practicality to it he needs you need to consider: Happiness and fatigue isn’t something you can take to the bank. It doesn’t translate to money in your pocket at the end of the month when the bills are due. A business that’s more likely to fail than succeed doesn’t bring you and him closer to achieving your financial dreams.

He foresees this so he won’t support you.

On the flipside, if pursuing that line of career will bring the household more money but will drain you – physically and emotionally – and take away your happiness, then it isn’t worth the trouble.  He won’t support you either. “Pursuing a passion that does not strain you and/or drain the relationship will be key to winning his support,” says Kirunga.

 “Consider also how you will finance the business – your savings, a loan from him? How will you run it? Who with? The career you want to pursue, what demands does it place on you? What does it expose you to?” says Kirunga.

Theresa’s 35-year-old fiancé refused to help her finance a professional course because it would earn her a promotion, which meant long travel overseas and extended hours at work.

Mary’s husband asked her to wait six years before she started her wedding planning business because he wanted his to take root first. Understandably so – pursuing her passion would have upset the financial stability of the household.

The overall atmosphere of trust and mutual respect in the relationship also determines whether he will support you or not, says Kirunga.

If you have covered all the basics, and you still see no reason why your partner is not supporting you then it’s time to make the hard decision: Leave the man.

End that relationship. Be on your own. Go pursue your passion. If it succeeds, good. If it doesn’t, good.  At the very least you gave yourself a chance and tried it. And as selfish as it seems, that’s all that truly matters.