Yes, do sweat the small finance stuff

For some people, it is easier to deal with being cheated on that it is having a spouse steal or spend all their money.

Indeed for many couples, financial problems can be more damaging to a relationship than any other sort of problem.

However, what sort of money problems are most damaging to a relationship? We examine the most insidious ones.

Premature joint accounts

Putting your money together not only helps a couple better manage their finances but also makes a relationship more transparent. Debbie and Collins, both bankers, had heard this, so they went ahead to intertwine their finances months before they merged their lives.

“For a person who was used to the comfort of knowing that there was money somewhere that she could spend as she pleased, a joint account took some time to get used to,” she says of the early months.

Debbie is the more financially responsible of the two and she began having real problems with this arrangement a year in when his overspending spilled over to her finances and she found herself paying child support for a child that he had had long before they met with the money that they had been keeping aside to raise their own children.

Naturally, this bred resentment in her and led to a series of disagreements.

Finally, the couple settled on separate accounts in which they both deposit a portion of their money for the family needs. “Now we each have a portion of money to spend as we please,” she says.

Keeping up with the Joneses

One thing Martin*, 31, has learnt from five years of marriage is that money can’t buy love.

Perhaps because she came from a poor family, the woman he fell in love with seemed fixated on making more money. Martin, who owns a distribution company, imagines that she is frightened of going back to poverty.

This was the foundation on which their marriage was set – investing and buying.

They only found out that they had neglected the relationship when it was almost too late for them “When all you do is buy things, you start to think that you can buy your partner’s love.

You think that buying her things is enough.”

Five years in, they were having the same arguments day in day out because as long as apology gifs were given, nothing really got resolved. Now that they are aware of where they went wrong, Martin is hopeful that couples therapy will fix their relationship.

Lending and borrowing from family

Financial experts will tell you that before you borrow or lend money, it is wise to have a written agreement in place.

When it comes to relatives, this agreement is especially important because unless clearly stipulated, repayments – and even the loan itself – may be taken for gifts.

How then can a couple deal with that sister-in-law who is always borrowing money or that deadbeat brother-in-law who just will not pay school fees for his children?

According to marriage therapist Ezekiel Kobia, if your spouse keeps loaning money to relatives, your first reaction ought to be talking to him to understand what he feels about the situation because sometimes, they might not know that you have a problem with it.

“These scenarios should be discussed at the onset so that both of you know how to react should your families ask for a loan. Most important, however, is that your spouse should be able to trust you to put your family first,” he says.

Mangi and Nelson, who have been married four and a half years, share their secret: “When it comes to money, we put up a united front to discourage those relatives who might be out to use us. Before we lend money we determine whether it is an emergency or if this person has been making reckless choices.”

Resenting partner’s financial success

Perhaps because the society expects the man to be the provider, many men will take a woman’s financial success badly.

When Nyambura, 33, got a huge salary increment at the start of last year, it was met with resentment from her husband of seven years. In retrospect, she sees she was partly to blame. Seeing as she was bringing home the bigger share without intending to, she had started to dictate the spending priorities.

Then her husband began taking on extra duties at his work station. For a couple of months, his wife and children barely saw him.

And when he was home, he was obviously unhappy. Eventually, she let him be in charge of the family budget and so far, it has been good.

 Not talking about it

Leah, a 31-year-old stay at home mum, is angry. About six months ago, she found out that her husband hasn’t listed her as his next of kin even on his insurance policy documents – and this was after he had her quit her job to raise their children.

Because they had not discussed money, it is easy to see how they got here. Even after she found out, Leah hasn’t brought it up and the bad feelings are growing by the day.

The truth however is that for a relationship to be happy, money questions must be asked.

Liz, who has been happily married for four years, admits that it may not be the most comfortable conversation and says that she and her husband schedule the talk just like they schedule sex.

This way, both of them get to prepare for it and no one feels ambushed.