If marriage is such a bad thing, why get into it?

• It is a fact that surviving the marital institution is not a walk in the park. Yet, it is also a fact that this is one of the most beautiful things on this planet, for nothing brings a person more joy than a successful marriage. So, how do we get there? How do we cultivate a culture that values the joy of marital bliss?

"I am fed up with your whining and nagging. Are we ever going to have decent marriage in this place?” yelled Jemo at his wife of six months.

“So you think I’m the problem? What about your late nights out with those friends of yours?” Mercy, his wife, retorted back.

Many marriages hit a rocky plateau soon after the wedding day, and this has raised a lot of questions on the survival of the institution, questions like whether the marital union, as we have known it for centuries, has any future.

And whether, based on the current divorce rate, there are any love struck young people out there who would still want to get married.

Let me start by looking at some common myths that scare many potential spouses; myths that, if not dealt with, will weaken the bond on which the marriage is built.

1Why try where millions have failed?

We will use the example of Tony to illustrate debunk this myth. Three of his uncles were divorced, two of his sisters separated while the mother was a single mum who conceived him while still a teenager. So, as he planned his own marriage, he did not have anything to give him hope. He viewed every relationship through this blurred lens of failure.

Although Brent, his childhood friend and best pal at work, was supportive to Tony’s desire in having a meaningful relationship, Tony still harboured childhood fears. “There is nothing new under sun. What goes around comes around,” Tony explained, in reference to the past he had interacted with.

His marriage, he thought, was a disaster in waiting. After all, how can he succeed where the mother, the sisters and the uncles had failed? But, whenever, he visited Brent, he would get a momentary glimpse of hope. for Brent’s marriage was doing quite well.

Somehow, Tony’s past had clouded his view that successful marriages are still a possibility, and when he, eventually, discovered the lens through which he viewed and judged every other marriage, he was shocked.

The issue with this myth is the tendency to allow assumptions and generalisations to impact our future views and decisions. In every marriage, the initial high level of trust and expectation may at times exaggerate the way a couple looks at the problems that come later in marriage.

Consequently, Tony, in his frustration to make his marriage work, asked me in exasperation during counselling: “Do people really mean what they promise each other?”

Everything else that Tony said to me that day was based on other failed marriages. In fact, all his other best friends (other than Brent) were cheating on their spouses, and his perspective was that women are the ones who drive men out of their homes with their nagging.

But, just because many have failed does not mean the marriage institution as a whole has failed to deliver. How about accepting the fact that the wife could have been expecting high levels of disclosure?

Could it be that marriages that have succeeded in providing long-lasting happiness have embraced a learning and growing culture, where challenges contribute to positive learning experiences?