My husband is still seeing his mistress

My husband is jobless, so I have been shouldering his responsibilities. I love and understand him as the father of my children

Tuesday March 30 2010

I am a 33-year-old woman and have been married for 11 years. I have three children aged 10, eight and three. My husband is jobless, so I have been shouldering his responsibilities. I love and understand him as the father of my children.  

Towards the end of last year, he started spending nights away from home without informing me beforehand but would later apologise that he had travelled to his rural home — not too far away — to visit his family and had missed transport back to town.

Then, early this year, I received an SMS from a friend telling me to be careful because my husband having an affair. My investigations showed clearly that it was, in fact, true. He also admitted as much and promised to break the relationship. 

However, I still hear him talking to her on the phone, and he visits her even more frequently. Should I kick him out and remain with my children, or what should I do?

Emma

READERS' SAY:

Read him the riot act

I hope your husband has not been jobless for a long time because, what are you doing living with a jobless man and shouldering his responsibilities?

Is it this that is causing the strain in your relationship? Do you make him feel like a man in the house? In the circumstances, maybe not. I would understand if you come home very tired and sometimes resentful of the situation.

Still, he has no right to cheat on you and continue doing it even after you found out.

Why are you still tolerating him? Because of the kids? He is barely home, anyway. I think you should read him the riot act.

Doris Chelangat Muigei

*****

Seek divine intervention

Please seek God’s will first as you reason with your husband and God will direct you. True, in these days of HIV/Aids what he is doing is very dangerous but God will determine what happens to your family.

Also, help him get a job to keep him occupied. Remember, an empty mind is devil’s workshop.

Ann 

*****

Don’t leave him

Lady, be faithful. You did not love this man for job or joblessness. Feed him and forgive him, but he should know that as the head of the family, he should be the provider while you support him. Why on earth is he keeping another woman when he cannot take care of his family?

Perhaps he finds joy in being taken care of but he should know the strength of an African man is lies in providing for his family.

Judith

*****

Dump him quickly

Leave him as soon as possible. First, he doesn’t respectyou. You have been providing for him and your children for a long time.

How dare he go out and have an affair with another woman! What if he gets infected with HIV  and infects you? Leave him to spare yourself problems.

Fiona Yvette

*****

Talk to him and his parents

It is very painful to care for a person who doesn’t appreciate your efforts. However, it’s not wise to kick the man out for your children’s sake.

Your kids need the love of you two. Tell your husband that you are not happy with his behaviour, then tell his parents as well.

Metrine Isindu

*****

Keep him at arm’s length

It’s good that he knows you are aware of his behaviour. Given that AIDs is real, it is advisable to keep him at arm’s length. The mistake we women make is showing men that we can’t do without them, yet in your case, you can take care of your children. 

Prevention is better than cure, so take precaution because it would be terrible for the children to lose you and their father as well. Avoid being intimate with him for at least for a month, and find out your HIV status.

Joyce Njiru

*****

Show him the door

You shoulder his responsibilities and he shows you no respect yet he is jobless? Dump him. He will always ask for forgiveness since he knows you will always forgive him. He is taking you for granted.

Let him do whatever he wants but kick him out, However, let him see the kids whenever he lwants to. He can’t stop doing what he’s doing because it has become a habit.

Meggie

*****

Let him choose between you and his mistress

My dear, you have been married for 11 years and have three children with your husband. That’s a long time so there’s no need to kick him out. 

You can stop his relationship with the other woman by telling him to choose between the two of you. He is jobless but has time and money to spend on his mistress while you take full responsibility for the family. Shame on him!

Pajesh

*****

Think of the children first

The law says that in case of separation or divorce, the most important consideration is the best interest of the child(ren). So instead of leaving him, talk to him because the children might end up suffering for no fault of their own.

Bett Lenny

*****

Let him go

You’d better let him go because he might infect you with Aids. After all, you are independent and he’s the parasite.

Eric Luttah

*****

Don’t act desperate for him

I’m a married mother of three, two teenage girls and a boy. I was once in a situation similar to yours. When I realised what was going on, I talked to my husband and told him he was free to go and live with his mistress.

After all, it would be a relief for me. He broke up with her when he realised I was not desperate for him. He changed completely — although of course we had to go for medical check-up — and is now working on a jua kali business he started a year ago.

He does not want me to remind him of that affair. Prayers also work wonders.

Sophie

*****

He doesn’t deserve your love

Your husband is extremely irresponsible. You have been shouldering his responsibilities and the best he can do is cheat on you with another woman?

Since you can support your kids, I don’t think he is worth your love; throw him out and move on.

Gladys Mwendwa Murianki

*****

Talk to him

There is no need to kick him out after 11 years of marriage. What you should do is try and make him see sense; ask him whether he would love to see your children suffer because of a father who does not care about his family.

That might make him realise that his obligation is to his family. It is irresponsible of him to have an affair, what with the risk of HIV. Just talk as a family and iron out the issues together. Above all, pray for him always.
Kenn Oude

*****

Try ironing out your differences

You are in a very difficult situation. The fact that you love your husband and provide for him and your children is not only touching, but also encouraging.

I can understand your feeling betrayed after providing for your family, only for your husband to cheat on you. I strongly condemn your husband’s behaviour because it is very unbecoming, but kicking him out will not solve the problem.

The best thing to do is sit down with him and iron out whatever problem(s) there might be. I’ve been made to understand that men prefer women who are socially inferior to satisfy their ego because they feel inadequate when the woman is the breadwinner.

J. Rutto

*****

Your husband should grow up

Your errant husband needs to grow up and be a man. He needs to take care of his family. Since you are doing his job for him, being the breadwinner and taking care of the family, he has had free time to start this affair.

You do not have too many options here. You can give him back his responsibilities, so that he can start being useful as a husband and father; do not continue to enable him and this behaviour.

Alternatively, you can kick him out. He cannot seek solace  elsewhere every time he hits a hurdle, in this case joblessness.

Basically he needs to honour his vows and be a man.

Leigh Dorian

*****

Let him take charge

From your account, it seems as if you have the powers to kick him out. But remember that families have their ups and downs. Your husband is only human so sit him down and talk for the second time as grown-ups and parents. I believe he will listen to you and change.

Let him bear his responsibilities and stop being idle. The responsibilities you are bearing are too heavy to be borne by you alone, and you don’t want to die early and leave your children with a careless man.

If he does not change today, kick him out; tomorrow might be too late.    

Calm                     

*****

Understand his predicament

From your letter, it seems that your husband is the problem. But why is he the problem? Butwhy should he be when he is jobless and probably does not have much money? 

Although you have not indicated how long he has been jobless, I suspect his unfaithfulness stems from his predicament, and probably the way you treat him.

Perhaps he doesn’t feel “man enough” because he cannot provide for his family, and as a result, engaging in extra-marital affairs just to reassure himself. 

Kicking him out is the best option in the short run, but the worst in the long run. Talk to your husband and be ready to forgive him for the sake of your family. 

Alfred

*****

He doesn’t love you

It appears your husband doesn’t truly love you. After 11 years of marriage, you should be settling down; this is not the time for him to start having an affair.

After all you have done, it is truly disappointing that he is cheating on you. That he still communicates with his mistress tells a lot. Let him go and live with his mistress and let you take care of your children. After all, he is not giving you any support.

Judy Kerubo

*****

He doesn’t respect you

This man seems to have lost respect for you. There is no way a married man can spend a night out without a good reason and come back as if nothing has happened.

The guy seems to be a burden and will soon — if he hasn’t already — infect you with Aids. You have done enough. Divorce him and take care of your kids.

John Wambua

*****

Give him a stern warning

Sorry, but why did you wait for so long? How can your husband travel to his rural home without informing you?

I think you better warn him and if he persists, kick him out since he is providing nothing. Real husbands don’t do that to their wives.

Wycliffe M Kiilu

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