Confessions of a 'gold digger'
Yes, they do exist and have no apologies to make for it. The so “gold diggers,” that class of women and men — in recent times — who get in to relationships purely for the money.
It is a Saturday afternoon and I am supposed to meet Maryanne*, 27, a self-proclaimed gold digger whom I have known for several months now. She is reluctant and urges me not to use her name in the story. “I could lose my opportunities,” she says.
The place is her Upperhill apartment and she has volunteered to make dinner.
“So, no going out today?” she asks when she picks me from town in her clean Toyota Allex. We pass by Nakumatt Lifestyle for some ‘small’ shopping in preparation for the evening and I cannot wait to hear her story.
Even though I have been to the spacious well-furnished house several times, today she knows I am here to talk about other matters, for example, how she manages to live in a house whose rent is Sh45,000, yet her salary is little above Sh50,000.
This is a good evening to hear about that since her boyfriend (married but the wife lives abroad) also the financier of her every expense, is away on business (in other words, visiting his wife).
Causes
As we make dinner in her kitchen, equipped to the hilt, she tells me about how she grew up in the village where there was nothing sophisticated to see around, and how she can never go back to that kind of life again.
Brilliant in academics, she had managed to make it to secondary school despite the difficulties, and found herself in a different world set where she met girls coming even from Nairobi.
“These girls would show photos of their last holidays, spotting fashionable clothes in beautiful locations, they received lots of pocket money, carried fancy junk foods and all I would think was how lucky they were,” she says.
But now, she seems to have it all, and as we move around the apartment, she opens her Facebook page from her laptop to show me photos of her February trip to Johannesburg (though I have seen them enough times).
Maryanne continues with her story and tells me about how by the end of high school, the envy she had over her classy classmates was too much to bear that she swore she would work very hard to drive those posh cars, take holiday trips, live a comfortable life and help her parents.
But her decision to ‘work hard’ was hit by reality when she joined college, she says. She realised that the riches would take longer coming and a lot more energy than she had thought.
By now we are finished with dinner and she gathers a report of how the meal was, informing me that it is a new recipe she is trying out so as to surprise her boyfriend when he comes back from ‘wherever’.
So how did she get to join the gold diggers club?
“A friend saved me,” she says. “In college, I had seen my dream fading until a new friend said to me, ‘use what you have and you’ll never have to struggle a day in my life’,” she says.
That was when she realised how some of her peers were living — very comfortably, and all they had to do was show a slight interest in the bunch of men around them. Never mind the age, marital status or what they did for a living as long as they could provide for the basic needs.
That was a rally call for her, and for an attractive young woman, she had no trouble finding a man who could toss out cash for pocket money, shopping, outings, clothes, makeup and other luxuries.
That was all she needed at the time and the relationship seemed to last as long as there was no new guy giving more cash.
But as time moved on and she got her first job, priorities changed. She had bigger worries and needed bigger wallets.
“Rent if not paid on time can leave you homeless, yet you are almost volunteering on your first job,” she says.
This meant the campus boyfriends had to be dumped for more ‘serious’ guys who could pay rent, and specifically not in Eastlands.
“I would express fear of being thrown out by the landlord, and since he could not invite me to live with him and his wife, what choice did he have but to pay months in advance,” she adds.
But even then, she says, the money is never enough. In trying to keep up with her colleagues she finally landed the man who could give her all. He has bought her a car, pays the pricey rent four months in advance and finances the once-in-a-while trips around the world.
It is still not enough though, she confesses, four years down the line with one man, and other heartbroken ones in the closet, she would still go for more if the opportunity presented itself, she says.
This is despite the fact that the boyfriend pays for all the expenses — rent, fuel, health club and her general maintenance, on top of giving her about Sh15,000 every month to take to her mother and deposit some of it in her bank account.
In some way, Maryanne makes him feel so guilty whenever he is going away to see his wife that he leaves her a high limit credit card, in case of ‘emergency’, she chuckles as she tells me.
You probably think she is evil, but women all over the world have been said to love money and have devised every means to get their hands on it. Yes, financial security is an important factor to everyone, but some do go overboard.
Relationships have become so much about money, leaving almost penniless and sometimes heartbroken adults to pick up the pieces.
To some like Maryanne, it is a way of trying to cover up for the past she never had, even though she had the choice to build a career and live comfortably; but she has chosen to get it the easier and quicker way.
A poor childhood is not the only reason. Some women will do anything to get hold of cash in men’s pockets just for the pure fun of it or to settle of scores.
Take for instance 29-year-old Joan*, (another gold digger who doesn’t want to be named), brought up by a well-off father who apart from providing basic needs, never took care of her mother and siblings.
Instead, he spent his time out with other women splashing out cash. Now when she sees a man, she says she has to ‘milk him dry’ until he crawls back to stick with his family.
Some will also say it is really the option left for many women out there arguing they just want to provide for themselves.
Whatever the motive, it is not news that those who feel they do not have enough will do all they can to get more, and those who feel they have enough money, will spend as much of it for something in return.
The targets
Older men, approaching or beyond retirement age, are the most obvious target. Reason: they have accumulated some good wealth, taken their children through school, hence spare cash to spend.
Their generosity seems to cover up for their looks, ill health, potbellies and white hair. And because most of them are married, they live in fear of being exposed by the gold diggers for chasing the girls more than half their age.
The gold digger also hopes to find her way into the old man’s heart so that he may leave part of his wealth to her when he drops dead in the foreseeable future.
Many men have been known to die and leave their mistresses everything, while the wife and kids wallow in poverty.
With their general physical appearance, some of the guys live under the conviction that they are having ‘quality time’ together, not knowing the girl does not want to be seen with grandpa out lest it spoils her future operations.
“Money with all its good works cannot make up the looks of a man trying to live like he is 30 years younger,” Joan expresses the disgust for the physical appearance of the man she is ‘detoothing’ at the moment.
At least Maryanne likes the appearance of her boyfriend and does not mind stepping out of the house with him even though she says she has to guard him against some of her girlfriends who may want to pounce on the guy for his money.
Does anyone ever wonder anymore why so many women head to the coast during the tourism peak season?
Most people know of a friend, former classmate of a relative who was swept off their feet by a white man and now lives luxuriously in Malindi or outside the country. No need to say more, white men are like hot cakes for the local gold diggers.
Politician and respectable businessmen are not spared in any way. For them, it is mostly a win-win situation for the gold diggers, who find their way into their lives. He either gives you the money to keep the relationship going or ‘force’ you to use blackmail if things do not go well.
For the politician, one lady says, it is guilt-free enjoying, regarded as ‘our money’ referring to taxes paid by Kenyans.
Younger men, especially those in the corporate scenes have been identified as a good training ground for starter gold diggers.
They introduce the college girls and those straight from the village to the social scenes only to be dumped the moment the girl meets with his boss, who is obviously more established.
John*, 28, has fallen victim of young girls using him as a stepping stone as they try to go big on the gold digging act.
After all, the makeup, good clothes and residence in a decent neighbourhood do not come cheap. It is an investment.
Most men, especially those who are wealthy, are not interested in a woman who looks like trash and so they have to make the hair and wear nice clothes.
An investment Maryanne says she has got the returns for. She remembers the joy she would have in college when her then boyfriend would leave her Sh1,000 for pocket money.
Now, she says, “If he does not deposit at least thrice what I earn for my monthly spend, above the rent and fuel, of what use is he then?”
How they do it
And she adds that it takes a lot of patience since, “you do not just walk up to a man on the second day of meeting him and ask for a car.”
“Every stage of the relationship has to bring in some new development, even if it is not the money; some benefit like a better job or membership in one of the up market clubs, where there are even better guys,” she says, “I am not cheating on him, I am just securing my future,” says Maryanne
According to her, hanging out in a dark pub in the estates or Tom Mboya Street would not do any good to the image she has strived so hard to build.
Although she acknowledges that there are some moneyed guys who hangout there, they are too mean to treat themselves to a nice evening in better places and would not be generous to others either.
“These are the kind of men who will want you to give birth to their offspring at Pumwani — no way,” she says.
But it is not always an easy way into the gold digging club. A lot goes into catching the appropriate man, but more work comes in when it comes to keeping them.
“It is not that any woman will approach a man and tell him, ‘I want your money’ on the face. It is an art, perfected over time,” she says, as another confesses that there are failures on the way, heart breaks and even self-esteem crushes.
Maureen*, 24, has developed two very instrumental ‘health conditions’ that attack whenever things go wrong in any of the relationships. Because of the fatal repercussions that may occur in case she is ‘heartbroken’ the guys live in fear of leaving her and come up with a top-up for the medical expenses.
Well, she says, it has worked on several men until they woke up and saw the light and left.
Gold diggers will take time to study a man and know his weak points, for instance, he will be a helpful person and then start dropping hints like they are having trouble paying their bills.
But the generally accepted of course, is perfecting the bedroom act. The logic being that as long as the one dishing out the money is getting the expected returns, they are going to give more of it creating some sort of a circular flow of benefits.
Sometimes they might even ask you directly for a “loan” to tide them over, knowing that you do not want to see them get an eviction notice.
Characteristics
While there’s nothing wrong with a person being concerned about their financial stability, long-term partnership mean depending on each other through the ups and downs, and being financially reliable does help with that to a degree.
The difference between a gold digger and someone who values your role as a provider is that the gold digger would deride and perhaps leave you if you lost your ability to provide for them financially.
A good person can appreciate your financial resources, but a gold digger appreciates only that, and will not see the relationship as worthwhile if you are not well off.
Most of these women and men are financially successful or at least on the way to be successful, but choose to take the ‘necessary evil ‘route.
Gold diggers always have a high sense of entitlement, feeling they deserve to be treated well, which includes believing that someone is willing to spend as much money on them.
They feel it is their right to be able to pursue their big dreams at the expense of others, and, coincidentally you are the one to make that come true.
The self-importance, preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, search for excessive admiration and envy for others who have more, are red light for any man who cares about each of his penny should look out for.
