Friday, November 7, 2008

After the Obama win…..

By OYUNGA PALA

At the time of writing this article, Americans were going to the polls. All indications were that it would be an Obama victory but after the Florida debacle in 2000 US election and the Kenyan 2007 elections, I wasn’t overly optimistic.

One thing I was sure about, however, was the fact that from now on, time would be referred to in the context of Before Obama (B.O) and After Obama (A.O). 

Whether one gives a hoot or not about American politics and its influence on the world, we can reasonably agree that Obama is good for business and the options are limitless. In the era A.O, putting his name on any product will be like a seal of quality.

I certainly hope our own Ministry of Tourism will exploit the opportunity. For sure, there will be a whole bunch of foreigners tracing this tiny African nation called Kenya and Obama’s ancestral home Kogelo will be popping up frequently on the Google Earth search engine.

The government had better start making Kogelo village a heritage site and prominent destination on the Western tourism circuit. In fact, they should build a shrine out there before some enterprising individuals beat them to it. 

I would suggest they call it Obama’s Graceland and the shrine will be open at a fee to all those pilgrims of every nationality who will be seeking to visit the birth place of ‘the one’. Especially those aspiring to be ‘other ones’. I foresee a church of Obama.

He shall be venerably known as ‘the one’ and his new breed of fanatical followers will be reciting the following words, “We are the ones we have been waiting for” at the end of every sermon. 

Many will call him the messiah and there shall be claims of his countless miracles. Witnesses will claim that any baby he touched would be destined for greatness so at every public rally, babies held up high above heads and shoulders will be a common feature.

There will be several branches replaying his favourite speeches as part of their sermons. The name Hussein will find redemption again and it will be trendy to have a Christian, Muslim and African name all wrapped up in one. The more exotic, the better.

It won’t be unusual to find a lily white Caucasian American with a name such as Bill Malik Obama, Obama Mandela or even Hussein Odinga Kenyatta. From now on, Michelle will be a cool female name.

Many Kenyan politicians will start speaking with a twang and they will adopt the use of the pause filler “uh” several times in an attempt to sound presidential. Speaking at least three foreign languages and living abroad will become a job requirement for presidential candidates all over the world.

It will also be a requirement for a presidential candidate to play at least one sport properly and preferably not a board game. Obama trivia experts will be filling the news stations just before the weather report spewing useless facts to explain seemingly unrelated events in American politics.

Meanwhile, in America, many blacks will be complaining about the whites handing the job over to a black man just when the financial markets are down, the empire is in decline, democracy in trouble.

Every time Jesse Jackson, will try to say something pro-Obama, everyone will secretly think, “Yah right! Wouldn’t you rather slice his nuts off” in reference to the off-camera goof he made during Obama’s presidential campaign.

Making jokes about Obama will be considered a career-making move for any stand-up comedian. Here is a joke I borrowed from Jay Leno to jump start a career in comedy.

Q. Why is Barack Obama so thin and scrawny?A. If he were any heavier, he wouldn’t be able to walk on water. Half-caste Kenyan children, born of black and white parents, will start identifying with their black roots.

‘Point 5’ men will actually do well and become the preferred choice for women seeking beautiful, intelligent babies.

Obama’s fashion sense will be in vogue. Rolled up sleeves will be the look for any politician out in the hot sun on a campaign trail. In time, designers will introduce white shirts with permanently rolled up sleeves.

There will be DNA experts in the lucrative business of helping trace genetic linkages to Barack Obama and, by extension, Brad Pritt. Genetic experts claim the two have the same eighth great-grandfather.

It is also claimed that Barack Obama and Raila Odinga are distant cousins so anyone with traces to that bloodline will be considered royalty.

At this rate, cousin Angelina Jolie might just adopt a Kenyan child. American airports will have a special line for passport holders with names starting with O.

Interestingly, the Japanese will benefit while a Luo man named Mboya will be picketing in the back saying, “The privilege was marwa!”

As for Kisumu, what can I say? If you want to make a statement in the lake side town, drink Senator beer.

Obama city in Japan will become a sister city with Kisumu. In the after Obama era, it will not be prudent to dismiss political ambitions.

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