When you earn more than your man

We live in a modern society where more and more women are joining the corporate world while others are making it big in the business platform. As a result, many women are taking home bigger salaries and making more money than their husbands. In real terms, these women are becoming the breadwinners in their homes.

This should be something that men and the whole society should rejoice about, but the reality is that it isn’t. It is considered normal when a man earns more than the woman because society expects that he should be the provider in the home, but when a woman earns more than the man, then she has to be very humble about it.

Infact, the world shouldn’t, and usually does not ever get to know about it, if the relationship is to have peace and harmony. Such is life and it is all about sacrifice.

But why should you be punished for being more successful, smarter and earning more than your man, why indeed must a woman hush up about her success when she has earned it? Before you initiate a protest march against the haters, read on and find out how you can have your cake and eat it.

The truth is that men just are not comfortable with this little fact, and chances are that they may never come to terms with it, no matter what they may say.

I talked to a couple of men who were forthright about what it is they can’t handle about that woman who is more successful than they are. Here are the things that a woman should never do when dating a man who earns less than she does.

Don’t shout from the rooftops
This is something that most men loathe. As Erick Opiyo 34, a sales executive with a local airline puts it, “When a woman earns more than you do, she should not make it her business to make sure that all her close friends and also her immediate family members know it. What the woman doesn’t realise is that this will definitely affect the relationship in one way or the other.”

He says that the minute friends and relatives know that she earns more than the man, they don’t take him as seriously as they should, some even end up openly disrespecting the man, he continues.

“I once dated a woman who earned more than I did. Of course she had shared that juicy bit of information with her close relatives and friends.

"One time we were out for drinks with her sister who had had a bit too much to drink and when it was time to foot the bill, I reached into my pocket to pay up but the sister dismissed me saying she would cover the bill since there was no need to dent my pocket.”

“She evidently knew everything about my finances! That was a real blow and I felt let down by the woman who I had dated for three years and was soon to marry.”

Every time Eric went for family events where her family were present, he felt her relatives were giving him pitying looks. The pressure become too much for him to bear so he ended up walking out on the relationship.

“I just couldn’t take it anymore. She was a good woman, intelligent and very smart but I just could not take the silent disrespect from her family. Of course no one came out to openly say they thought I was living off their daughter but it was there in their attitude and what was left unsaid everytime we were together, says Opiyo, who got married to a simpler woman last year.

Don’t buy him gifts he can’t afford
The subject of money is a major issue in most relationships and one which we cannot run away from it. The men I talked to also pointed out that they do not want you buying them expensive gifts that they wouldn’t normally buy for themselves, or worse, things they cannot afford to match.

True, you might see something expensive that he would fancy, but how most men operate is that instead of being grateful, they would feel intimidated, and there is nothing as bad as an intimidated man.

Let’s admit it, we buy gifts in the hope that he will return our gesture at some point. Buying him an expensive gift which he couldn’t afford, just makes him feel too pressured to do the same for you.

“I had dated this girl, who from my estimation earned more than I did, for a year. When my birthday came round, she surprised me by throwing a big surprise party for me. She invited all my friends and relatives and there was a lot to drink and eat - it was a great party and I felt special, Martin Munywa, a 32-year-old says.

“It was obvious she had spent a lot on the party. Her birthday was four months down the line, and as the day neared, I started receiving calls from her friends asking what I had lined up, and whether I was going to throw her a surprise party like she had done.”

“I really felt under pressure. I could also see the look of expectation in my girlfriend’s eyes when she reminded me that her birthday was round the corner. Of course I knew I was not capable of throwing a huge party for her like she did. I thought hard about what to do because there was no way I was going to get away with just a card.”

Martin consulted his friends who admitted that he was in real trouble because they had been in a similar situation.

“Looking at my account, I could not hack it, so a week to her birthday I had to come clean and tell her that I couldn’t afford to throw her a party. She felt really offended telling me how she had dug into her savings to throw me a great party. She claimed that if I loved her I would have planned for it since I had all the time!”

He continues, “That was a very tense moment for us because I felt I was being forced to live in her world which would cost me more than I could afford. On her birthday, I took her and her friends for drinks and my account still felt the pinch.

"She just wasn’t ready to fit into my world. This kind of unrealistic demands on her part went on for a while and much as I tried to rationalize about it, I realized there was no way we could have a meaningful life together when she was blind to the fact that I didn’t have as much money as she did. I was eventually forced to walk away from this relationship even though I really loved the girl” says Martin.

Don’t buy his dream car

This is a no-go zone for men! The minute you understand that men, cars, beer and soccer are inseparable, then you will never attempt to buy yourself a car that you know he loves.

You can have the best intentions in the world, but no man will see it as that. Men envy their male counterparts who drive their dream cars, how much worse can it get when it is his woman.

As Charles Kemboi puts it “that is the straw that breaks the camels back! To say that it is a major blow for a man to see his woman buy a car she knows he loves and which he cannot afford, is an understatement.

It’s like she is trying to show off to him. It happened to me, I dated this girl who was from a wealthy family who had funded her to start her own business. She had it all, a great business, lived in one of the apartments her dad owned and for which she wasn’t paying rent.

We had been talking about the kind of car I’d love to buy for myself. One day, without alerting me, she went ahead and bought my dream car! According to her, she knew I loved that car and decided to get it for “us”!”

“She told me that she had bought it so that we could share it. This gesture should have made me happy but it did not.

Call it jealousy or whatever you will, but her buying a car we both knew I could never afford just left me with a bad taste in the mouth. I’m still with her but that car is a constant reminder of the fact that she is way ahead of me financially,” concludes Charles.

Don’t criticize him

The moment a woman starts earning more, her taste in drinks, meals, dressing and all become expensive. The choice of joints to eat at, where to hang out all become expensive and flashy!

On the contrary, men do not switch automatically, in fact most don’t understand the concept of having an expensive beer in a flashy place when they could have the same thing in functional places.

It becomes worse if you earn more than he does and insist on meeting him every other time at those expensive joints while criticising the places he loves.

Even when you move up, make sure you do not start criticising his way of dressing, expecting him to change and join you in the expensive lifestyle. The man is doing just fine as he is, so stop forcing him into a class that he does not belong to.

Accept him as you found him, unless he wants to move up with you, or leave him where you found him. Many men complain that a woman will meet them and if she happens to earn more than him or is from a wealthy family, she will eventually embark on a mission to give him an image that fits in with her friends’ or family’s expectations.

Unfortunately this usually does not work. Not unless the man is in that relationship for a different reason. Not every man wants to be kept by his woman.

Stop comparing with your friends’ men

There is nothing a man despises more than when his girlfriend starts comparing him with her friends’ men especially if they are doing better than he is financially. A man’s ego is very fragile.

John Afune, a 36-year-old businessman knows this only too well.

“The minute my girlfriend starts comparing me with some other man, I will immediately take off. I once dated this woman who had the money, was hardworking, beautiful and had it all going for her.

"Her problem was that she did not understand that I was struggling to pay my mortgage apart from the other responsibilities I had. Christmas was fast approaching and she was insisting that we should take a trip to Egypt with her friends. She was willing to foot her bill. I admit it was a good arrangement, but the problem is I couldn’t afford it,”

"When I told her as much, she sulked for days because all her friends and their boyfriends would be going. Of course she ended up staying because she did not want to be the odd one out, but I never heard the last of it.

"I realized that our priorities were very different so I ended the relationship. My New Year resolution the following year was to stay away from women until I finished paying my mortgage. I did that two years ago and I am currently engaged to a down-to-earth woman who has no unrealistic demands on me,” explains John.

He is still the head

One man once said that there is no one as evil like a woman with money. I don’t know exactly he what meant, but his statement comes to mind for most men when they start dating a woman with more money than they have.

“Most women assume that having more money than the man gives them the right to be the head of the family,” complains a bitter Gerald Kamau, a 30-year-old TV producer.

“As the man, I call the shots in the relationship and as long as we are together, I set the direction the relationship will take, her money notwithstanding.”

Gerald says that although he is ready to listen to his girlfriend and respect her opinion, the fact is that he still wants to be the one who calls the shots.

“Unfortunately, most women don’t want to accept this fact. When a woman belittles her man because she earns more than he does, she is making a big mistake and no man will stay in such a relationship.

"No matter how much you earn, remain humble. Women must accept that there can never be two centres of power in a relationship.” Says Kamau.