Long-distance love

Many people in relationships make the mistake of getting too ambitious by setting unrealistic expectations and then end up getting bruised along the way.

As adults, we are all aware that nothing in life works the way we would want all the time, much less relationships. And when it comes to long distance relationships, the miles in between takes the effort to make it work a few notches higher. Despite all the obstacles in your long distance relationship, with a little patience and understanding, you can still make it work...

Hellen* and her husband James* are among many couples who’ve survived a long distance relationship and lived to tell the story. “It’s all about how much you are both willing to sacrifice,” says Hellen, a receptionist at a local law firm.

“Soon after we got engaged and had just begun setting plans for our wedding, Jaymo (as she calls him) was transferred to the Middle East for two years by his employer. We were both faced with the dilemma of whether or not he should accept the offer.

“But on the other hand, declining meant that he’d lose his job and we weren’t prepared for that. My biggest fear was whether the distance would jeopardise our relationship. This was especially when we argued over the phone or had disagreements. But since we were determined to make it work, we’d always see to it that we talked over everything we were unhappy about.

“During the time, I also had to keep my jealousy in check because I’m very possessive of Jaymo. For instance, I had to constantly banish thoughts that he could be seeing someone else in Qatar...”

Just like Hellen and her husband James, there are many other couples who’ve managed to overcome the distance in their relationships. So what’s the secret behind keeping a long distance relationship alive? Hellen further explains that it was communication that kept them going for the two years they were apart.

This meant constantly emailing each other, calling and James even made a point of visiting her every six months. After two years of sacrifice, patience and a lot of consideration, the two finally got married in 2007 and they have since lived together in Nairobi.

Although James still makes official trips abroad every now and then, they have both learnt to cope with and appreciate their different lifestyles. Success in long distance relationships depends on how much you are prepared to compromise and willing to give. Read on to get some tips on how many other couples have overcome the distance in their relationships...

Setting clear expectations — When distance becomes a major issue in your relationship, you both need to put your cards on the table and openly talk about your expectations. It’s important to pause and ask yourself questions like just how much are you willing to give and what do you expect to receive?

Is your relationship casual or is it a committed one? In this case, if you’re both clear that your relationship is casual or open, discuss whether you should go your separate ways. Hanging on to a relationship with an uncertain future is a waste of time and can be quite frustrating.

But in case you plan on having a future together, it is important to look for ways of keeping your relationship alive despite the distance. And this doesn’t have to be abroad as sometimes the distance could just mean the two of you working in different towns of the same country.

As it is, most relationships can easily be compromised by physical proximity, so this is one thing you mustn’t ignore. Just like Hellen and James, you need to come to a compromise and set your priorities right. Furthermore, you will need to prepare yourself for your partner’s absence and the lack of non-verbal communication.

Mark you, there are things that you will only notice while they are gone, like the physical intimacy and whirlwind romance between you and your loved one. So if your long distance relationship is to succeed, you must wholeheartedly embrace and appreciate the fact that you will go without these things for long periods of time.

Agreeing on how long you will be apart — After setting your expectations, you have to be clear about how long you can realistically be away from each other. There’s nothing more agonising than never knowing when you will finally be reunited with your loved one.

Consider a scenario where your partner has had to relocate to a different city or country. Here, there’s a need to agree on how long you are going to be apart before settling down together. For instance, does he plan on residing there for good and maybe starting and new life there?

Is he going away for studies and for how long? Surely, you can’t settle on livivng apart forever and still expect to have a meaningful relationship, so discuss on whether you will need to travel to be with him or what other alternatives you have at your disposal.

This will also mean discussing your career prospects and whether you will need to get new employment in a different city or country. It is very important that you both know exactly what you plan to do in future and the possibilities of permanently being together.

Otherwise if you decide to ignore this and wait for things to unfold, your relationship may slowly begin to disintegrate. But as earlier mentioned, if you have already decided that your relationship is an open one, then it will make no sense making major changes in your life.

After all, why go through all the trouble when you’re not planning to have a future together? Here, it is far better to go your separate ways than banking on a relationship that lacks commitment.

Learning to communicate — Whether your relationship is a long distance one or not, there’s no doubt that communication is what will keep it alive. Today, we are lost for choice when it comes to quick and easy modes of communication. There is, therefore, no excuse for not keep in touch with your loved one on a regular basis.

The world is now becoming a global village, and distance is no longer a hindrance to communication. And while you’re at it, try to be creative in the way you keep in touch. For instance, don’t predictably use email or text messages day in day out. Sometimes surprise your loved one with a phone call or go the old-fashioned way and write her a letter or send her a postcard.

Luckily, there are many ways to be romantic regardless of the absence of physical intimacy and eye-to-eye contact. But on that note, you should also be careful on how you use your mode of communication. Let’s say, when arguing with your partner, it’s better to do it on phone rather than emailing.

As casual as emails may be, they are also permanent so be careful about what you write in there. Consider a scenario where you sent a nasty email to your partner during a disagreement. Even after the dust has settled and everything gone back to normal, such an email can be stored and revisited from time to time.

You don’t want your partner resenting you and reminding you about things you said in the heat of the moment, do you? It’s therefore advisable to never write things down when you’re angry. Regrettably, whether it’s a text message, a letter or email, the tone of your message can also be misinterpreted to mean something offensive.

Frequency of your reunions — No matter how far apart you are, reunions must never be overlooked if your relationship is to work. Indeed, reunions make the backbone of long distance relationships and without them, your relationship may be doomed.

So make a sacrifice and work on getting together every once in a while otherwise if you disappear forever, this might leave your partner wondering if you really care for them or whether you love them at all.

Again, compromise will play a big role here. For instance, if you are more flexible than your partner and are able to travel, take the initiative to visit them. Don’t always wait for them to come to you while you put in no effort at all. Keep in mind that with long distance relationships, the two of you will always have to meet in the middle.

Don’t burden your partner with all the responsibilities of making things happen as this will only make you appear selfish. Also, when you finally get to meet your loved one, make the most of the time you have together. If your partner has traveled thousands of miles to be with you, make time to be with them.

Don’t go working overtime and leaving them alone as you continue with your normal life. Such behaviour will make you come across as ungrateful and they will definitely think twice before visiting you again. It is therefore essential to demonstrate to your partner just how much you appreciate the sacrifice they have made to be with you.

Keep your expectations in check — When you finally get to meet your loved one, it is likely that both of you would be having high expectations of how your get together will be. But more often than not, reality checks in and most of these fantasies and anticipations remain unfulfilled. This is known as the re-union anticlimax.

When things do not work out according to their expectations, most couples end up getting disappointed and feeling let-down. Other times, couples may be expecting to spend quality time together but relatives end up interfering and ruining everything.

Forgive my bluntness here, but if truth be told, relatives can be very intrusive and have very high potential of getting in the way of any relationship if they are not checked. Besides that, the much anticipated romance between couples may also be replaced with arguments, disagreements and even cold treatment.

Meanwhile, lovebirds may also end up disappointed when they don’t get what they expected in terms of physical appearance. Let’s say, your girlfriend may have added a few kilos after some time, or maybe your boyfriend may have started showing signs of ageing and even developed a serious beer gut.

Surely, such trivialities are comical and should not put your relationship in jeopardy. You can easily decide to overlook the fact that your partner has been a little careless with their physical appearance, it’s no big deal! But on the flip side, what should never be tolerated are bad habits that may have sprouted during the time you were apart. For instance, behaviour like alcoholism, drug abuse and promiscuity should never be overlooked or tolerated.

Taming the jealousy monster — Quite frankly, most hurdles in long distance relationships are caused by the monster called jealousy. When you’re miles away and your partner tells you that he is dinning with a female colleague, chances are that you will start getting ideas in your head.

Just like Hellen did, you may start asking yourself questions like, are they having an affair? What’s going on between them and why does he speak so highly of her? Even without clear evidence that your partner is going behind your back, the green monster may start eating you up.

Ideally, many people cannot imagine that their partner can remain faithful yet they are surrounded by attractive people of the opposite sex. But much as you may be suspicious, always remember that you could be wrong. Surely, give your partner a little credit before you begin to fret about his “infidelity”.

If you lack solid evidence, then it’s not in your place to start acting insecure and throwing jealousy fits. Granted, it can be incredibly stressful to suspect that your partner is cheating, but you also need to stop your imagination from getting the best of you.

Remember that nothing can turn a relationship sour faster than extreme jealousy and possessiveness. In case of any niggling suspicions, speak to your partner about how you feel and tell them about your concerns. Remember to talk things over — Just like other relationships, long distance relationships are not immune to fights and arguments.

If you argue or disagree with your partner on the phone or even email, don’t let the argument hang or stay unresolved forever. It’s understandable that you may both need some time to let the dust settle, but that doesn’t imply that you should never re-address issues you argued about.

Remember that unresolved issues will crop up again at some point in your relationship, so settle them before it’s too late and considering the distance involved. Nevertheless, when it comes to things that do not directly affect your relationship, you can agree to disagree and both be entitled to your opinion.

Let’s face it, no two human beings can think alike, so don’t expect to always be in agreement with your partner. Furthermore, it is during such arguments that you will get to express yourselves fully and appreciate each other’s differences. On the other hand, being away from your partner can be frustrating, especially when you really need their support and physical presence.

It is during such times that you should share your feelings with your partner and seek for their comfort and reassurance. And when you feel frustrated about your job or new things happening in your life, talk about it with your partner as well. This will not only give them a chance to offer you emotional support but also make them feel that they still play a significant role in your life.

When most people settle for long distance relationships, they wonder if it was the right decision to make. Some even lack confidence about whether it stands a chance of succeeding. If you’re faced with this dilemma, it may help to know that long distance relationships have just as much potential of succeeding as any other relationships!

If you both love each other and are ready to sacrifice, then you have to remain steadfast in your resolve to make your relationship work. It is better to wait for a quality partner who is miles away than date an unworthy pastime who lives next door... * Real names withheld

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