WIVES: ’We are not slaves’

• Following the overwhelming response we received from an article carried two weeks ago on why women are losing their homes to their house-helps, we decided to let the women air their views. They were a startling eye-opener that men will want to consider.

Two weeks ago, we did an article highlighting the challenges that Kenya’s career women are facing, while trying to balance work, studies and family.

The article observed that in most cases, as the woman’s career grows, and as she files another degree, diploma or certificate to her already impressive education achievements, her family, seemingly forgotten in the scheme of things, is the one that suffers the brunt of her longer working hours to meet the increasing demands of her plum position at work, and the extra hours spent attending evening classes.

As a result, a rift develops between her, her husband, and her children, especially because they no longer spend meaningful time with each other, therefore, losing touch of each other’s needs and the love they once felt.

To show how serious a problem this was, we recounted one woman’s experience, a successful career woman who lost her husband to their house-help of 10 years. When she confronted her husband, he justified his actions by stating that the paid help had been more of a wife and mother to their children than she had.

While the men applauded the article, calling it timely, it also caused an uproar among women readers, who said that their working hard, earning higher salaries and furthering their education was no excuse for men to cheat on them with their house-helps or any other women.

It was just a poor excuse by men who were threatened by their (women’s) success, men who were unwilling to applaud their accomplishments, even though they benefited from it.

The women also pointed out that given the hard economic times, it is necessary for both men and women to work, to meet the rising costs of raising a family.

Then came the crucial question: Why should it be okay for the man to do all it takes to further his career – work late, take on more responsibilities at work, which will take him away from his family, and go for further studies so that he could burst the corporate ceiling, yet they protested when their wives dared do the same?

Wrote Dorothy: “I sympathise with Margaret who worked herself to the bone for her family only to be rewarded with a broken home. Every day, men are doing what Margaret was doing: working late, coming home late, spending days away from home and furthering their careers, yet they expect their wives to be happy and understanding of their absence because after all, they are providing for the family!

A woman does the same and she gets branded as a bad wife, a bad mother and a bad homemaker, yet she too, is providing for the family.

Today’s couples are both working full time jobs, taking evening classes and getting home late and tired and yet when they get home, the man takes his position at the couch while the wife attends to the children and the home.

Today’s woman has to be a super woman who provides for the family financially, nurtures her kids, makes her home and provides for the whims of her husband, while also furthering her career.

This expectation is too much for her. My advise to men, Dorothy adds, is that instead of sulking and looking for attention elsewhere (such as in the maid’s arms), support and encourage your wives, nurture your marriage and be appreciative of her efforts.

However, couples, as they continue to climb the corporate ladder, should not forget that their family’s happiness is their top priority and neither should neglect the other’s needs.”

This letter triggered the question: Are men really supporting their wives as they should? Are they proud of their accomplishments or threatened by their success?