Too shy to face a woman

If this were a date, it would be the most uncomfortable date in history. John is sobbing, his shoulders heaving, his chin wobbling like a child’s. “I’m sorry,” he says. “I won’t be able to eat my lamb burger.” He looks up with big, sad eyes. “Sorry.” John is 24, and I am the rst female he’s ever been to lunch with. He is cripplingly, tongue- parchingly nervous, and it’s distressing to watch.

I reach across the table, intending a reassuring squeeze of his forearm. He recoils and begins a sort of shallow panting. I don’t wish to frighten him, I say, horried. “I know, you can’t help it. I’ll be all right.” He takes a deep breath. Then, blinkingly, stutteringly, he tells me his story. By the end of our two-hour meeting, I hold the record for the longest conversation John has ever had with a female other than his mum. He has never kissed a girl nor even made friends with one. He wants to, desperately, but he can’t — because he’s terried.

John believes he suffers from “love shyness”, a controversial, little-known term for a specic type of chronic shyness in men coined by the American professor Brian Gilmartin. Love shyness is not an ofcially recognised condition; it is not in the American DSM-1V — the clinicians’ bible for psychiatric diagnoses.

But the men who claim to suffer from love shyness (LS) all have in common the complete inability to initiate or to engage in romantic interplay. This renders them terminally, heartbrokenly, virginally lonely. They hold down jobs, they have some friends — these men are not antisocial, unattractive losers. They are normal, unassuming men in whom the condence to approach women is missing.

Shyness

Gillian Butler, a clinical psychologist and the author of Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness says: “There’s lots of advice for women about how to get over shyness, but shyness can be much harder for men to deal with because it’s seen as a feminine trait.”

John lives in a small village near Exeter. He is the second chef in a busy pub kitchen. Just feet away from the customers drinking and socialising out front, he works diligently, then goes home alone. Similarly, Neil, an ofce clerk from Worthing, is regularly praised by his boss for his efciency and dedication. He is well-mannered and funny, with many interests, from photography to politics. He just can’t talk to girls.

The problem, says Gilmartin, is that, according to all social rules, men are supposed to approach women, so love-shy heterosexual men fare badly. In women, shyness is seen as an attractive quality, but if a man is too shy to initiate a conversation with a woman, his chances of a love life are slim. I found John online. This is the rst time he has spoken to anyone about his LS in person.

Jumpy and defensive

Like hundreds of others like him, he visits Love-Shy.com, an online discussion forum. In this remote cyber wasteland of broken hearts and bitterness, some regular members with pseudonyms such as Cold Heart, EmptyInside, LonelyVirgin and ShyGuy, post hundreds of times a day. Many are jumpy and defensive. Through the forum, I corresponded with men from Poland, Spain, Brazil, the USA, Australia, the UK, France, India, Ukraine, Canada, Ecuador and Italy.

They unanimously believed LS should be recognised as a psychological disorder. John describes how last Halloween, some workmates invited him to a party at a pub. He knew a young waitress to whom he felt attracted would be there.

He grew more and more anxious until, on the night, he found himself rooted to the spot in his living room, unable to go. Afterwards, he began to research online and came across Gilmartin’s Shyness and Love, which he read cover to cover. “It was a relief to know there was a name for what I was going through.”

Discussion topics in the Love-Shy.com forum range from “What’s the most you’ve ever done with a woman?” (“I shook hands with one once for a job interview. I am 40”) to “Can other stm09022.indd 4-5 guys smell LS on you?” (“Virgins tend to have awkward quirks and mannerisms. This is what people sense”).

John has been in love. “Probably just the once. When I was 10, there was this girl I really liked. She was younger than me, so when I went to secondary school I lost contact with her and never saw her again.” He has an enduring memory of playing outside with the girl, and of the sun slowly going down, and never feeling happier. In fantasy, he often takes the memory further and, imagining himself as a child again, he kisses her.

One of Gilmartin’s observations is the very early age at which LS men develop attractions to the opposite sex. John says: “I cannot remember a time when to get a girlfriend was not my deepest ambition. There are other things I want, but if I can’t have that, it’s pointless.” Yet he feels unable to seek company. “That’s what I’m missing the most — the close friendship a relationship would offer.” Sex? “That’s pretty far down my list. It would be nice, but I’d rather nd love.”