38 shots of 2009

In this annual capsule, you will find the usual suspects, the inspirational, the visionary and the brains behind unfortunate statements and scenarios captured while news surfing. The list follows no particular order. Without further ado, let the roll-call begin. No prizes will be forthcoming.

1. The Mungiki sect — for resorting to Middle Age methods to eliminate opponents. There is no moral justification for chopping off heads.
2. The ruling class — for maintaining a tradition that reflects its political ethos, with bluffing mega scandals involving maize, oil and other commodities.
3. The cremation of Joshua Okuthe — for illustrating the importance of including “mode of disposal” in one’s last will to prevent custody battles after death.
4. President Museveni — for pointing out the absurdity of geographical lines and boundaries with a muddled statement on the disputed Migingo island: “Migingo may be in Kenya but its waters are in Uganda”.
5. Uhuru Kenyatta’s national budget — whose computer errors reminded us that to err is human... but to err big time and get away with it, one needs a computer.
6. Filmmaker Joseph Kinuthia — for making a strong case for artistic expression. The Kenya Film Censorship board banned his horror account for being too scary. Duh!
7. Kamau King’ara and George Paul Oulu of the Oscar Foundation — for giving their lives to the fight against police brutality and injustice.
8. The G10 coalition of women NGOs — for showing us an efficient way to get PR on issue, by staging a week-long sex boycott to press for political resolution. As opposed to Maendeleo ya Wanaume’s misguided furore over the naked statue at the High Court.
9. 12 UK students diagnosed with swine flu virus in Kisumu — for the absurdity of containing a worldwide epidemic through face masks.
10. Michael Jackson — for demonstrating the commitment and sacrifice needed to become a true legend.
11. Mohammed Ali of Jicho Pevu — for a remarkable year of investigative TV journalism and leaving the audience impressed by his fluency of our national language, Kiswahili.
12. Moreno Ocampo — for bringing real mystery into our lives with the “envelope”.
13. Steve Kamau, son of ex-politician Gerishon Kirima — for providing new direction when instigating a hostile takeover of family property: take your father to court after declaring him senile.
14. The late Kimani Maruge, who joined Std One at 84 years to become the country’s oldest student — for instilling in us the importance of education. Indeed, one is never too old to learn something new.
15. Castor Semenya, the SA runner at the world championships — for adding a new twist to genetic advantage in sport and forcing female athletes to look their gender.
16. The Kenya Power and Lighting Company — for a year of unrelenting blackouts. The company’s name should be abbreviated to: “Kenyans Please Light Candles”.
17. The Mau forest controversy — for impressing upon land-obsessed Kenyans that a forest must not be mistaken for a wasted farmland.
18. Equity Bank — for the greatest advert campaign of the year and proving that everyone wants to be a member where there is access to easy credit.
19. The botched robbery attempt involving a cash transit van by armed AP escorts — for teaching small-time crooks that white-collar crime is about attention to detail.
20. The Nobel Committee — for showing that awarding a Nobel Peace Prize to a war-time president is the kind of incentive needed to get Barrack Obama to make a cool speech in your home country.
21. The first Kenyan gay couple to wed in London, Charles Ngengi and Daniel Chege Gichia — for demonstrating Kenyans’ tenacity and knack for spotting a loophole in a foreign legal system when certain freedoms are illegal at home.
22. Antoine Hey — for pointing out why a national football coach cannot be a diva.
23. Maina Njenga, like Kamlesh Pattni before him — for showing that when the going gets tough, turn to Jesus.
24. Collins Injera — for his star performance and a sterling year on the rugby field.
25. John Michuki — for saying No to “kelele” nuisance with another noteworthy campaign in form of noise pollution laws.
26. Jeff Koinange — for a new TV anchor standard. Keeping it all flamboyant, all the time.
27. Honourable MP Ferdinard Waititu, MP for Embakasi — for adding a new meaning to leading from the front when he joined his supporters in a stone-throwing melee over a disputed plot.
28. Zeituni Onyango, President Obama’s embattled auntie — for showing that extended family ties do not always grant one the right to privilege.
29. Maj Gen Hussein Ali — for holding a brave face after his transfer from Police Commissioner to Postmaster-General. Once a general, always a general.
30. Former President Daniel arap Moi — for the statement about rain not coming from the Mau. Clearly, wisdom is not synonymous with old age.
31. Laban Talam, the humble farmer who hosted Bill Gates in Kabiyet, Mosop district — for shifting the spotlight from celebrity slum tourism to the potential of small-scale farm tourism.
32. Tiger Woods’ sex scandal — for reminding all men of the importance of the “delete” function on a cellphone.
33. Speaker of National Assembly Kenneth Marende — for that memorable statement defending non-tax paying MPs. “If you are feeling sufficiently philanthropic…” rendering the tax burden to the subjects.
34. Rugby Sevens coach Benjamin Ayimba — for proving that homegrown coaches are key to international sporting glory.
35. Professor Okoth Ogendo — for a life dedicated to scholarship and an unparalleled body of knowledge in his field of law, which we hope will be implemented and not just admired.
36. The climate change debate, for setting a new agenda for Africa’s exploitation in the 21st century.
37. Inspeckta Mwala, the TV comedian, for showing us why small is big.
38. All the fans of this column — for your support and encouragement. Do have a fulfilling new year.