How strong is your marriage?

If you were given a chance to rate your marriage today, where exactly would you place it? Many couples would be at a loss to describe the kind of marriage they have despite the fact that they have been married for several years.

If you find yourself not able to say categorically whether you are in a successful marriage or not, you are not alone. Many marriages in Kenya are at a crossroads and couples are actually merely staying together rather than living together. What is the difference, you may ask.

When a woman is getting into marriage, she envisages a situation where her husband treats her with respect, caters for all her financial needs (the occasional holiday coming in just to spice up love), calls her often, extends a helping hand to her relatives and makes sure she is well groom enough to stand confidently in front of his colleagues and friends.

On the other hand, a man may expect a wife who is a good mother to their children, a woman who does not whine or nag, is reasonably economical and basically runs the home well.

But how consistently is this happening in today’s marriages?

One may start from the basic question of just how well the two people know each other, their separate families and various other personal issues.

According to Professor Edward Mburugu, a sociology expert at the University of Nairobi, a couple that is “merely staying together” lacks a well- knit marital set-up and each spouse tends to do things on his or her own or his/her own way.

Communication

“These are two people just sharing a room or a home so to speak and do not care much about what the other is doing. They are emotionally detached from each other,” he says. "There is no communication and the main reason they are still sharing the home is because sometimes it is too late to leave,” says the sociologist.

On the other hand, a couple that is “living together” communicates on every aspect of their lives and offers some space to each other to do personal things.

“There is a lot of harmony between them and they are keen not to offend each other. If an issue arises, they are eager to sort it out jointly,” he says.

Couples “living together” share their fears, worries and hopes and generally agree on many things.

“They share a vision of where they want to take their family. No one has “hidden cards” under the table and there are no secrets of whatever nature between them. They trust that each is working for the good of the family,” observes the professor.

So what would make some people feel like they are staying rather than living together?

“If we never talk about our salaries or incomes, I would feel worried,” says Clare Mmbaya. She cannot imagine living with a man whose salary she does not know, when he is low financially or even when he is doing well pocket wise.

“Any couple that keeps money secrets, is not together in spirit. A spouse needs to know when things are not okay so that one does not bombard the other with demands that they not able to meet. It only increases tension and breeds anger,” she says.

For Evelyne Ochieng, a Nairobi businesswoman, “A woman is able to see a man who is not taking full responsibility for the family. If it does not seem like it is bothering him, then he is just staying with you, be knowing you have no life together. This is the kind of man who will leave his family at the first opportunity to do so,” she says.

Ochieng’s other sign that a man is just not playing a real role in a marriage is when he does not bother to follow up the children’s academic progress.

“I think 80 per cent of men never ask their children how they are doing in school. If he comes home late everyday and does not bother to check on how the children are fairing in school then he is really not a family man,” she adds.

Here, another angle shoots up. How many fathers attend school meetings or academic events involving their children? How many accompany mothers to clinics or health check-ups, for example?

“A couple that does not share children’s responsibilities is merely staying together because of whatever benefits they can get from that set-up,” says Anne Nyanchoka, a fashion designer in Nairobi.

“If you have children,” she says, “it is a responsibility of both parents to take care of the children on equal basis. “Otherwise, what is the point of having a father who cannot recall the class his daughter is in, for example,” opines Nyanchoka.

According to her, fathers, are particularly at fault when it comes to parenting. Ask fathers when their children were born, as in their birth dates, and you will be surprised at how many do not know.

A man who is in sych with his family will know very many of what may be considered the nitty-gritties.

But what would make Elsie Onyango feel all is not well is the way they treat in-laws. She says there are expectations from the man’s and wife’s sides and they better be handled carefully if you are truly a loving, married couple.

“For example, how many Nairobi women or those from any of the other big towns can comfortably go to their husband’s rural home on their own without the husband and stay there with the in-laws for a few days?” poses Onyango, a model and human resources practitioner.

According to her, the way in-laws are treated by either spouse can breed contempt. Lack of consultation even when such a relative is coming to stay shows a crack in the marriage,” says the model.

Both Anne and Elsie have a verdict if you do not discuss in-laws and how to treat them without compromising happiness in the family, you are actually losing it out, as a couple.

Philemon Odhiambo has other ideas. To him, how a couple handles cultural and traditional expectations would show whether they are strong and together as one. He says a man is expected to fulfill certain obligations both at family and society level and if the woman is not for it, then there is a problem.

“Suppose you want to build a small house in the village and your wife opposes the move. Or if you want to pay fees for your younger sibling and the woman feels you are spending too much on your family. Does that not create a rift?” poses Odhiambo a professional artist in Nairobi.

Personally, the father of two says he had a problem getting names for his children. “I wanted African names for my children but their mother preferred foreign names which actually mean nothing to me,” he says but does not elaborate on who carried the day.

Kamau Gatheru’s take is that the spirit of love between a couple is dented by the expectations each has which they may not be ready to be flexible about.

“So when they start a family and the expectations are not fulfilled, they start losing the meaning of living together,” says Kamau, an IT Specialist in Nairobi.

One of the expectations that can hinder the concept of “living together” is sex. “Many men feel they should get sex from their wives whenever they want it while many women believe they should get quality sex from their husbands whenever they have it,” he says.

He adds that if this aspect of marriage does not satisfy either spouse, then they start living like strangers under one roof.

“Sex is a key element in a marriage. It validates the union. It is a major reason many marriages are slowly sliding into breaking point,” he points out emphatically.