How to get a husband

Chris Ojigbani, the giver of husbands, must be smiling. Smiling at being right about our women. Smiling that yes, desperation surely lives in Kenya. He is proud that he - an unknown bible thumper – could come down here and have our women literally eat from his palms.

Men hate him because he has confirmed our worst fear; that our women are fickle. And gullible. And desperate. And embarrassing.

Of course men have always secretly suspected this, but to have a foreigner (worse still from Nijja of all the places) come down here and confirm it is to rub salt to a very septic wound.

I don’t know what spiritual advice he dispensed to these women on that dark fateful weekend or even if he referred them to his book, “I want to marry you,” a thin 136- paged tablet of wisdom.

I’m no pastor, but I sympathise with the women who packed the hall in the hope of a husband falling from the heavens like manna.

Getting a husband is not a science. And it is not luck either. Below is my very simplified and easy-to-understand guide on how to get a husband.

Drinking like a man. A woman who drinks from 2pm on a Saturday right until 2am doesn’t need a man, she needs sound advice. There is nothing cool about matching a man drink for drink. There is nothing liberated about recounting stories on how you downed a bottle of whisky. Men love these women because they are fun, but nobody would be crazy to have them as a wife.

Not getting pregnant: This used to work long ago when Break-dance was in fashion. Not anymore. Men now know better than to be arm-twisted into marriage because you “forgot” to swallow a pill.

Learn to cook something other than an egg. Men might wear Armani suits but the core is still traditional. Get a recipe book, if need be. Cook.

The man in your head doesn’t exist. Well, every woman wishes for the man in her head that has one quality; perfect. That man doesn’t exist in real life. Don’t whine and nag. I used to know this guy who used to date a woman who whined about everything, from the weather, her family, right down to things that he really didn’t care about. She was very beautiful though. He married someone else.

Get a life. You won’t meet any man – or husband – for that matter if you stick to a routine. Change churches, use a different route to get home, change where you drink once in a while. Get out of that box. Be willing to try something new.

Don’t be desperate: Going to KICC to be prayed for to get a husband falls under this category. It’s easy to smell desperation; it’s smell is slightly subtler than the smell of gasoline.

Talking marriage. Nothing turns a man off like a woman you just met who makes it clear that she is looking for marriage. It puts pressure on a man, makes him feel like he has to want marriage as well.

Dating sites. Everybody knows that nobody goes to look for a wife in a dating site. It’s a ground for preying on bored women. I think the general feeling is that a woman who goes to a dating site to look for a partner is at the end of her rope. That or she is not very attractive, physically or whatever.

Don’t think about it. There is a book called the Secret which I have read (out of curiosity) and one of the maxims it extols is that you attract what you think about. That the universe is that generous. This doesn’t apply to men because this is bound to get obsessive.

A woman should focus less on when Mr. Right will show up and concentrate on working on being a better person. Better women attract men. You see the thread here?