My mother, my anchor – a tale of four mothers

As we mark Mother’s Day tomorrow, Saturday brings you the stories of two families - each representing three generations of women, a mother, daughter and granddaughter.

They share the experiences that forged their relationships and the rich dreams they have for each other.

Lucy Koinange, 60-something, her daughter Angelina Wangui, 32 and granddaughter Faith Muthoni, four.

When Angelina called her mother one morning five years ago and invited her out to lunch, she knew that what she was about to tell her would probably shock her. But she was also confident that her mother would give her blessings as well.

Angelina was 27 at the time, and though she was not ready to get married, she wanted to have a child.

“My parents are staunch Christians and I knew that they took it for granted that I would take the traditional path – get married, then have children,” she says.

But her desire to have a child was so strong she wasn’t willing to wait until she was married. And so she dropped the bombshell as she and her mother enjoyed a quiet meal together at a city restaurant.

As is characteristic of her, Lucy calmly listened, seemingly unfazed and slowly digested what her daughter had just told her.

Then she finally broke her silence, “If the decision was up to me, I would ask you to wait a little longer, but if you’re sure this is what you want, make sure that it is with someone you’ll never regret having a child with.”

Being a practical person, Lucy also advised her daughter to make sure that she was financially cushioned because raising a child was not only emotionally demanding, but required one to be financially prepared as well.

“My daughter has always been strong-willed like her father, and once she makes up her mind, there is no turning back,” Lucy explains, and points out that had she objected, Angelina would probably have gone ahead and had a child anyway.

Opening up to her mother was a strategic decision on Angelina’s part because she knew that this was the one person who would be able to convince her father to accept her decision.

“Dad is very traditional; things have to go a certain way for him,” she comments. But time has a way of mellowing the hardest of hearts and though it took her father a while to come round to her decision, he finally did.

Faith Muthoni, the child that mother and daughter discussed over lunch several years ago even before she was conceived, is today well-loved in the Koinange family, especially because she is the first of two grandchildren. Her father is also “very” present in her life and according to her grandmother, adores her to death.

Angelina says:

“They spoil her rotten, mum included” Angelina comments, adding that when she watches the two of them together, she cannot believe that her mother is the same woman who would beat her up as if she were her “step-child” while she was growing up.

Angelina confesses that during her teen years, there were instances when she was convinced that her mother hated her. She, for instance, insisted that she go to boarding school for her high school education, a decision that Angelina strongly revolted against.

In fact, she did everything she could to get the school administration to kick her out. Her mother loses count of the times she was summoned to her daughter’s school.

She wanted to stay at home where she was near her friends and where she could bask in the warmth of her indulgent father.

“Dad has always been protective of me and being the only girl in the family, we have always been close,” Angelina, a self-proclaimed daddy’s girl explains. But her mother wouldn’t have it and the result was many fights between mother and daughter.

Says Lucy:

“Every time we disagreed about something, I would reassure her that I loved her, that the decisions I made concerning her life were motivated by my wish to see her succeed in life.”

Of course, at the time, Angelina did not see it that way, and so she rebelled every chance she got – when her mother said that she couldn’t go out with friends, she would sometimes sneak out, knowing very well that there would be hell to pay when she found out.

But like most typical mother-daughter relationships, the turbulent years were soon behind them, and as Angelina embraced adulthood and became a parent, she begun to understand what had motivated her mother and with this realisation, came respect and appreciation towards the woman who had brought her into the world.

“Mum is a strong woman; she is also progressive-minded and the most hard-working woman I know,” Angelina says, adding that two of the most valuable lessons she learnt from her was to be self-sufficient and to be bold enough to try her hand at new things, values that she is already passing on to her daughter Muthoni.

Staying true to her mother’s influence, Angelina who studied psychology at United States International University (USIU), is a marketer and events organiser.

She is also a television producer with Homeboyz Entertainment and has dabbled in acting. Interestingly, her mother too acted in her hey days.

“I am raising my daughter the same way I was raised by my parents and I plan to pass on the same values that they instilled in me.”

Just like her mother did, she is also trying to expose her daughter Muthoni to as much as possible so that she can explore her full potential.

“Education is important, but I was taught that there’s much more to life than books and passing exams.”

Her kindergarten-going daughter is learning to play the piano, guitar, drums and just joined a self-defence class where she is learning tae-kwo-ndo.

“It is ironical that I am teaching Muthoni how to play the piano yet I hated it when mum made me learn how to play one while I was growing up,” she points out.

Lessons from a mother

“My dream has always been that my daughter will be able to support herself,” says Lucy, adding that she doesn’t believe a woman should sit down and wait for a man to provide for her.

Lucy worked in the tourism and hotel management industry before retiring a couple of years ago. She now manages her own tour company in the city centre.

She also believes that as long as a woman is educated, she holds the passport to any kind of life she wants – this, she explains is one of the reasons she and her husband went out of their way to ensure that their daughter stayed in school and that she went to university.

Jane Njeri, 43, daughter Monica Nyambura, 24 and granddaughter Mercy Gathoni, one.

“It is difficult to know when mum is angry because she is always cracking jokes…I also think she is capable of reading minds because you cannot hide anything from her,” Monica says, casting her mother playful glance.

“She is the most humorous person I know,” she adds.

Monica does not hide the fact that her mother is her rock, after all, she is the one who readily gathered her into a warm embrace and assured her that everything would be fine, that it wasn’t the end of the world, when she tearfully disclosed that she was pregnant.

“I have always had an open relationship with my mum – she is the one I ran to with excitement when I had my first period, she gave me my first sex talk and I allowed me to take my friends home – it did not matter whether they were boys or girls,” says Monica.

But her mother had also taught her that there was a time for everything, yet here she was, pregnant, living at home and still in college. Naturally, she feared her reaction and so she tried to hide her pregnancy for as long as possible.

What she had no way of knowing was that her mother already knew, had in fact known within weeks of her pregnancy.

“She saw the signs almost right away but waited until I was ready to tell her myself,” says Monica, adding that this is something she will always be grateful for.

Recalls Jane:

“I could tell that she was stressed – she would toss and turn in bed and without her knowing, I would check on her several times at night to ensure that she was fine.”

By the time Monica gathered enough courage to approach her mother, she had already accepted that her daughter was pregnant out of wedlock and had no doubt in her mind that she would support her in every possible way.

“I was her mother after all, who would she turn to if I rejected her?” Jane poses.

Monica did not have to tell her mother who was responsible for the pregnancy because she knew her boyfriend. In fact, she called both of them and assured them that she would support them in any way they wanted her to.

As the pregnancy progressed and Monica worried about what people would say, it is her mother who advised her to disregard what people said behind her back, that as long as she had the support of her family, there was nothing to fear.

Once little Mercy came along though, Jane made it clear that even though she would be there for her whenever she needed any assistance, she was now a parent and her daughter was her responsibility.

“We had a heart-to-heart talk, and by the time we were through, my daughter had graduated from a girl, to an adult,” says Jane.

In spite of their healthy relationship, there are, of course, times when mother and daughter clashed. Jane points out that there is no perfect relationship. For instance, Monica would sneak out of the house to go hang out with friends even after her mother had forbidden her from doing it.

“Getting her to do the cooking was also a real struggle because she did not enjoy it, but I can be firm when I want to, so I made sure that she learnt how to cook,” laughs Jane.

Then there was the time when Monica wore trousers for the first time – her mother, liberal as she is, nearly hit the roof.

“I had just completed high school and thought it was the perfect time to make a wardrobe change. Mum wasn’t amused, but I simply told her that I was only changing with the times – by the time I was through, I was able to convince her to allow me to start wearing trousers.”

This is just the sort of thing that Monica loves about her mother – she can have an objective conversation with her and be assured of a fair hearing. She also admires her for holding the family together when her father passed away in 2008.

“It wasn’t easy, but she ensured that the three of us did not drop out of school or go hungry.”

Turning point

“Mum and I have reached a point where I’m allowed to correct her or offer an honest opinion. Since having my daughter, I have become an adult in her eyes, a confidant, a friend,” says Monica.

She is also grateful for the fact that her mother has a lot of faith and hope in her.

“I cannot count the number of times she has told me never to give up, that I have so much potential within me; that’s why I still plan to complete my Civil Engineering course and do what I have always wanted to do.”

Monica adds that raising her daughter has been a beautiful experience thanks to her mother’s support and guidance, adding that she wouldn’t have known what to do had she not been around.

“I want to see my daughter grow up to be a God-fearing and principled person – I am also working towards having with her the kind of relationship I have with my mother,” she concludes.

As you celebrate Mother’s day tomorrow, give a thought to your mother and all those women who have impacted your life in a positive way.

If you can, arrange to spend some time with this special woman. If she is too far away, then call her even if only to let her know that you love her.

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