How a conversation between Jesus, Uhuru and Ruto would be

They say an idle mind is the devil’s workshop. But not mine. When idle or bored, my brain shifts into overdrive and almost always wanders into the realm of “What If.”

Sometimes my brain ventures into areas that I haven’t the slightest knowledge in. Surprisingly, more often than not, I manage to make some sense of these meditations while documenting most of my cosmic journeys.

Friday, as Christians prepare to commemorate one of the most important events in the monotheistic calendar -the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ – my idle mind is wondering what would have happened had He lived among us today.

Just to give you a perspective, if Jesus Christ or JC as many would call him lived in today’s world, he would be way popular than one Jorge Mario Bergoglio, also known as Pope Francis.

Though modest and not as flamboyant as a certain Kenyan Senator, today’s Jesus would most likely be a smart, well groomed and educated gentleman with a penchant for elegance. Instead of walking for kilometres on end looking for fishermen for instance, he would be the proud owner of a Nokia Lumia 1520, the latest entrant into the mobitel arena. That would be the kind of phone that would make even Judas Iscariot ask for much more than 30 cents in order to betray the son of man. With it, his disciples would always be a call away whenever he needs them.

Some unscrupulous individual would have bought the expensive state-of-the-art equipment for Jesus in the mistaken belief that He ‘can remember him in the next life.’ The son of God, being a believer that all things come from His Heavenly Father, would throw caution out of the window and nonchalantly accept the phone as a vessel for the extension of the Kingdom.

Now, on realising that He only has a few days left before he starts his journey to Calvary, He would have an unusual conversation with His heavenly father.

“Dad,” he would say. “Yes Son,” God would answer. “You know I don’t like bothering you with very many requests, don’t you?” After a pause, God would nod slowly and say, “yes. Where are you going with this?” Jesus, lowering His voice and looking down like a little boy would answer; “I would like to ask for one last favour before I embark on my final leg to Calvary.” Rather surprised by the audacity of his son, God would ask; “And what would that be, son?”

“There is a place I would like to visit before I leave this world. It’s called ‘The Cradle of Mankind’ where archaeologists say the first man walked. I have always wanted to see it for myself. Besides, CNN, BBC Sky News and MSNBC keep saying that it is the most beautiful country on the planet. Give me only three days, please,” Jesus would plead.

“But son, that would alter what is written,” God would say in a booming voice.

“Father, I know you can change it. With you, anything is possible…just this once for your favourite son…please,” Jesus would plead. After a long pause, God would say; “Ok then, but only for three days including travel. You know you must be in Calvary by Friday. Don’t let me down son.”

Unable to conceal his excitement, Jesus would whip out His phone and call Judas Iscariot who would be caught off-guard as he would be negotiating his fee with some people for the task ahead. Christ would tell him that he would be away on a 3 day Safari which would take him to Masai Mara to see the Big Five, among other things.

A stunned Iscariot would get surprised and shudder at the thought of Jesus not coming back to Jericho which would deal a blow to his attempt to get rich through unorthodox means. In his characteristic shrewdness, Judas would ask; “But teacher, how shall we survive without you?” JC, knowing too well why Judas is so edgy would only retort; “I’ll be back” and hang up.

On Tuesday at 8.50 AM East African time, an Israeli Jumbo jet would touch down at Jomo Kenyatta International Airport. Jesus, in his usual modest mien, would disguise himself and land in Nairobi unannounced. After touring all the key archeological sites and taking a tour of both the East and West Tsavo National parks, he would immediately embark on an excursion in the famous Masai Mara National Reserve.

Having fulfilled his wish, JC would decide to offer a prayer for Kenya before heading back to Jericho. He would figure that the best way of doing so would be through meeting the head of State.

VISIT STATE HOUSE

On Wednesday morning at 8.50 AM, JC would be at the gate to the State House on State House Road.

“Ati unaitwa Kristo? Kristo nani?” a security officer at the gate would seek to know his full name. “Wewe unaleta mchezo hadi hapa kwa Ikulu?” the officer would ask, wondering why some joker would find it funny to take his theatrics to the State House.

JC would quickly be handcuffed and bundled into the back of an old Police Land Rover. Before the likes of Rev Timothy Njoya and Cardinal John Njue would hear about what has happened, the rickety jalopy ferrying the Son of God would be making a turn off University way heading towards Harry Thuku Road, on its way to Central Police Station.

Luckily for JC, the President would get whiff of it after getting a call from the Israeli Embassy in Nairobi.

“On behalf of myself and the people of Kenya, I would like to offer you my most sincere apologies for what happened to you this morning,” the president would tell JC as they sit down for lunch at State House. “You know, with all these terror attacks in the country, we really can’t afford to take chances,” the head of State would add.

After the meal, Jesus would tell the president of how, apart from the unwelcome treatment he got from the police, he had fallen in love with the country and its people. Being a politician, for a moment the president would wonder whether JC could be contemplating delaying his trip to Calvary and habouring political ambitions.

He then would quickly remember that the Kenyan Constitution bars naturalized citizens from becoming State Officers and say; “Absolutely. Even if you wanted to get dual citizenship here, I wouldn’t have a problem with that. In fact, I am a great admirer of yours and your presence here can help me a great deal in dealing with the many challenges facing Kenyans.

“I may consider the offer during my Second Coming,” JC would say. “Anytime my brother, any time,” the president would say.

Just then, a man donning a cap with Kenyan flag colours would emerge from one of the offices stretching his hand. “Hallo Teacher,” the Deputy President would say as he removes the cap as a sign of great reverence. “My name is William but you can call me Bill, I’m this guy’s deputy and an ardent follower of yours,” the Deputy President would say.

“ My wife…” he would continue but JC would interject; “I know Rachael, she’s a great prayer warrior. May the Lord bless her soul.” Looking at his watch, the kind that would make a certain Nairobi senator go green with envy, JC would then say; “Now gentlemen, I’m pressed of time. I really just wanted to meet you and offer a prayer for your beautiful land before flying back to Jerusalem to fulfill the prophesy.”

After the prayer, the Son of God would say; “Before I go, I must say that I like the way you two guys blend. But I have a piece of advice for you.” The DP would stop fumbling on his phone and look up, listening keenly.

“For you to succeed, you must now stop talking and start walking the talk. For starters, this issue of insecurity has the potential of getting out of hand.” Looking at the president, he would continue; “I don’t know who advises you but with all due respect, a hotel management professional would be best suited to take the Tourism docket as a Cabinet Secretary and not Internal Security affairs.

You must make sacrifices, some of them even personal. You should be prepared to lose friends, even if they made huge monetary contributions towards your presidential campaigns. I expect you to fully support the relevant organs to prosecute people who are freezing the nation economically.

You must work towards getting a conviction for mega corruption cases like Goldenberg, Triton, De la Rue, Maize scandal etc. Listening to your speeches, they sometimes sound like copy and paste from speeches made ten years ago.

They are not any different from those of your predecessor, or even his predecessor before him. If you don’t complement the efforts of the judiciary in prosecuting and convicting people involved in grand corruption, then yours will be lip service and the public will soon lose confidence in you.

Just in case you have forgotten, last year your country was no 136/177 in the Corruption Perception Index by Transparency International, Placing it in the list of abhorrently corrupt of nations. Corruption cannot be fought with mere rhetoric.” At this point, the DP has an urgent urge to tell the Son of God that he is beginning to sound like “yule jamaa wa vitendawili” but wisdom prevails and he keeps his cool.

“Thank you for your advice Sir,” the president would say. “I’m not done yet,” JC would quickly quip. “Be realistic and avoid roadside declarations. Above all, don’t do other people’s jobs by appointing commissions while knowing too well that the law does not allow you to.”
JC would then look the president straight in the eye and say; “And by the way, when you sack people who work in your office on suspicion of corruption, don’t transfer them to other ministries.That, needless to say, is tantamount to transferring the vice to another office within the same government and reminds one of a certain old man who occupied this office for 24 years.”

The DP would by now be convinced that JC has been talking to “the wrong people” but is relieved when the Son of God says; “Finally, here are my parting words; Do as I say for, it is written, if anyone is ashamed of me and my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, the Son of Man will be ashamed of them when he comes in his Father’s glory with the holy angels. I must go now as my disciples are waiting for me in Gethsemane. Is there anything that you would like me to do before I leave?”

The president would look around and say; “Maybe as a gesture to support my cost-cutting measures, you could repeat a very good miracle which you performed in Galilee not too long ago. And maybe instead of turning the water into wine only, you can mix with other drinks too, Like Scotch Whiskey for instance. You know, with free casks of wine around here, my staff and I should be able to save quite some money and be very happy about it.”

Patting the president on the shoulder, JC would say; “Not a problem, what about you Bill?” The DP would lower his voice and whisper; “I’m not really a fan of intoxicants. The only favour I would ask of you is, since I know you have the power to do extraordinary stuff, could you read the mind of a certain senior Kenyan politician who is currently on sabbatical leave in the United States and find out what he is exactly up to in regard to the 2017 General elections?”

That evening, Jesus Christ would alight at Jerusalem Airport in time for the Last Supper and the betrayal at Gethsemane. Grateful to God for granting him leave to visit Kenya, he would now be ready to start the final leg and the most painful part of His journey to Golgotha.

But all this is only happening in my idle mind.

BMJ Muriithi is a Communication and International Relations major at Atlanta Metropolitan University [email protected] Twitter @bmjmureithi