As voters, we give ‘irreducible minimums’ to the politicians

Politicians are, to quote one bureaucrat, pronouncing themselves on the irreducible demands they want met so that they can participate in the fresh presidential election on October 17.

We love them very much, the lot of them, and we want them to participate fully, not just in this election, but also the many others we hope to hold in future.

But, as taxpayers who pay for the party and — this is the most important — voters who are duly registered, motivated and in the mood to stand in that queue and cast the ballot, can we also issue our leaders the voters’ irreducible minimums?

1. We will follow the law, so they will obey the orders of the Supreme Court — as issued, not in a manner that suits us — and that means we will have an election by November 1, 2017. A country that can’t hold elections on schedule has no credibility; it’s a joker country. It ranks with Congo, Kararakzastan and such other unknown banana republics.

You have had five years to fix the problems with the electoral system. Why did you wait until three months to the election? As they say, your lack of planning does not make it an emergency for us.

STEAL ELECTION

2. Don’t steal the election. There should be no strange Kiems behaviour, no strange forms 34A and 34Bae. There should be no funny “tallying centres” manned by funny Ghanaian “ICT experts”. There should be no funny places in Karen and no funny GPS coordinates for the equipment and every other conspiracy theory on the face of the planet. Do things the old-fashioned way. Get out in your ridiculous get-ups, lie to us and may the best team win.

3. Don’t mess with the children. We have given you everything — money, respect, status, everything. We are your puppets to manipulate and use for your entertainment and benefit.

But we are also daddies and mummies and our little ones have been reading late into the night, fearful of what Matiang’i has in store for them. You can do what you like with us, we are your chattels ­— but I wouldn’t mess with the exams if I were you. You can ruin our lives, we are used to it and we have allowed you to, but who knows how we will feel when you start messing with our children too?

4. Democracy is a game of compromise. Without compromise there is no democracy. This is probably news to you but we forgive you. How about you get off your self-righteous high horses and talk to each other, rather than screaming at each other through crowds at rallies?

BUSINESS

Politics is supposed to be business, not personal. Do a deal, be civil. Brinkmanship and intransigence are likely to lead us down the dangerous path of burning what we have worked so hard to build. And none of us, or our families and property, is made of asbestos.

5. Run competent campaigns, pay your staff, recruit and deploy good agents. Exercise your rights to the fullest, demand what is rightfully yours. Participate, present the issues you care about (if any) and let the people decide.

Be fair to your rivals, respect the process, have a conscience, make us proud, be the kind of man you want your children to believe you are. In other words, be honest.

* * *

I have ideological problems with big people who throw their juniors under the bus. In my business, we delegate authority but never responsibility. In other words, what your juniors do is your fault and you look silly when you try to pass the buck.

NULL AND VOID

Kenya’s buck-passer-in-chief is, of course, Mr Wafula Chebukati, who, upon the declaration of the election as null and void, wrote a long memo demanding an explanation from his junior, popularly known as Ezra ChiloBae, for all things known or assumed to have gone wrong with the election.

Mr Chebukati is the returning officer of the presidential election — though his wings seem to have been clipped by the courts, which reduced him to a tally-er and announcer of results.

But I am told that elections are conducted by returning officers; the secretariat merely cuts tender deals (er, that is another way of saying that it facilitates the election by providing materials).

I think these good folks should hold their horses. We shall have, in a matter of days, the full judgment of the Supreme Court and we will know in great detail what exactly the judges found wrong with the election and who was responsible for that.

STABILITY

As an irreducible minimum, it would be great if we could go into the new election with the crooks who messed up having been arrested, prosecuted and sent to prison.

That would send a very clear message to all and sundry that using photocopies rather than security paper and sending documents without signatures, thereby occasioning colossal economic loss and great harm and distress to the contestants and their supporters, as well as imperilling the stability of the country, is simply not on.

Please don’t throw each other under the bus; that will be our pleasure.

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